What’s it called when a cannonball is shot and lands in the barrel of another canon?

Cannonbalism

A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

Two fish are in a barrel.

One turns to the other and asks, "How did we fit in this gun"?

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

What’s the difference between a beer barrel and a dog with no back legs

One has beery walls
And the other has weery balls

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit

After the cannon was delivered, they realized that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.


Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.

Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"

Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was alway...

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Funny times

Who would have ever thought that one day a roll of toilet paper would be worth more than a barrel of oil? Countries have gone to war over oil. Now we can wipe our arses and not give a shit!! Haha

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

You take a barrel.

And you put it on a hill and let it fill with air.

You could say that this barrel is a barrel of laughs.

You know why? Because it’s hilarious.

What do you call a gun with three barrels?

A trifle.

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In the draw down of WWII...

Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.

The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luft...

Pirate Barrel

One day a new recruit boards a famous pirate ship and is given the tour of it.Finally, the captain shows him a big barrel with a hole on the side beneath the stairs of the ship and tells him:
-This is where we men take out some steam maety, you can use it every day of the week except for Mondays<...

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

What's the best thing about buying a barrel of Conor Mcgregor's whiskey?

It's easy to tap!

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NSFW: My first day in the Navy

So shortly after joining the Navy I was posted to a boat that was about to begin a 6 month sail around the world.
Being new to the boat I was given a tour of the boat by an older Sargent.

Near the end of the tour he shows me this giant barrel which has a hole cut in it.

"What is...

Polish Cruise

A Polish guy is walking down the street in Chicago when he sees a sign outside a bar:

"Polish Special: Dinner and a Cruise, $3.00!"

So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple ...

What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?

Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

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Bob and bill are looking over the star destroyer blueprints

"Hey bob, do we need any turrets on the bottom half of this Star Destroyer?"

"What d'you mean Bill?"

"The bottom half. It looks like we have about a dozen of these massive building-sized rotating double-barreled turrets on the top half, but pretty much nothing on the bottom half."
<...

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A man gets a job as a fisherman on

a trawler. They stay out at sea for a few days and still 3 weeks until of voyage to go. The man then gets restless and ask one of his shipmate “I really need to release some built up tension, what do you guys do?.
His mate replied “No problem, you see that barrels with the hole in the middle? Jus...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

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A man get a job in the coldest part of Antarctica...

He's been there for a few weeks when he builds up the courage to ask about the lack of women situation.

One of the guys tells him, "yeah don't worry. We got you. After work, follow me I'll show you. "

The two men walk to a absolutely nightmarish cold wasteland area with a black barr...

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A man starts a new job on a construction site.

The site is 500 miles away from anybody else but it pays good so he's happy to start. On his first day the foreman is showing him around the job site. Where he will be working, sleeping, and everything else. 


While on tour, the man notices a line of men waiting to go behind a wooden fence...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

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An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

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Barrel Satisfaction

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life since there would be no women on the ship.
"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had...

A Sailor is on his first day on a destroyer

and his Superior is giving him tour. They approach a room with a single 55 gallon barrel in the center of it.

“What’s this?” the young Sailor ask.

“Oooh that. Well Sailor, we are out to sea for long periods of time and we have certain needs. So anytime you get the urge you just whip it...

The sailor, the captain, and the barrel.

Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member.

The Sailor was just settling in when he notice that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all: women. So the sailor went to the captain and asked...

I like my beer like I like my men

Locked underground in a barrel for a decade

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

G...

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

[NSFW] The Barrel

A man who was down on his luck decided to join a pirate crew. There was always excitement, always rum, and always loot, but as the weeks went by he began to realize that life on a ship at sea away from women was a bit lonely. The first mate seeing his frustration walked over and asked what was wrong...

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

Dear Captain,

We have decided to give in to your demands. We accept they are reasonable and therfore agree to give you 200 pieces of gold, 40 barrels of rum, 20 barrels of powder, and one chest of jewels, in exchange for your continued protection of our lands.

Yours sincerely,
...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

There was a king.

Who has a princess.

King wanted to marry off princess with suitable someone.

He declared anyone who wants to marry his daughter shall pass three test.

1. He will have to drink 2 full barrel of wine.

2. and then fight and kill a hungry lion.

3. make her princess hap...

What's worse then 10 dead babies in a barrel?

1 dead baby in 10 barrels.

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With my luck, I could jump in a barrel full of titties....

...and come out sucking my thumb.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”

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The Barrel.

A guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets familiar with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other r...

A couple went to the county fair.

They ate all the food and rode all the rides. When it came time to leave the woman asked her husband if there was anything else he wanted to do. "I would like to take a ride in that airplane, but it costs $20." She replied "20 dollars is 20 dollars."
He nodded sagely and they went home.

Ne...

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"Mum! Dad's got his cock in the biscuit barrel!"

"Don't worry, he's just fucking crackers."

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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mar...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

What's worse than watching your brother do a double barrel roll over 15 cars on a motorbike?

Having to watch him do a half barrel roll over 8 of them.

R.I.P. Bobby. Never forget.

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A man moves to Alaska...

He was offered a new job on a remote site in the cold wilderness. After a few weeks he is getting pretty bored and ask one of his coworkers was there anything to do for fun there for which he replied, "meet me after work I'll show you how we get our kicks here"
He meets him in a cold barren ice...

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Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloo...

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular ...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

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Bravery Award for the man who can drink, fight and fuck!

Once upon a time, a king announced Bravery Award for a man who can drink 10 barrels of wine, defeat a lion and bring back it's tooth and fuck a girl till she faints!
Many men tried, but all failed.

Then came a drunkard. People advised him not to do it, but he persisted, and drank all 10 b...

$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"

The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"

Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."

And on they...

math class

Somewhere in middle east.


Teacher : You have 100 barrels of oil, USA force you to give them 50 barrels, how much barrels do you left?

Student : 0

Teacher : I don't think you know math.


Student : I don't think you know America.

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A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is...

Three women plan to escape from jail. One is a redhead, one is a brunette, and one is a blonde.

As the women are in their cell, the brunette suggests an escape plan. She decides that they should break out at exactly midnight, as that is when the guards change posts and are most tired.

The women escape quietly and quickly. However, a guard somehow notices them, and proceeds to shout and...

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Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.

Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.

"Oh my god!" says the guy.

"Wow," says the woman. "I...

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

The $50 Cruise

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.



He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean....

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Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

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Up in the air

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off.

On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D and million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster...

What do you call a group of Caucasians rolling down a hill?

A cracker barrel

A guy walks into a bar

And walks over to the bartender. He notices some beautiful piano music coming from one side of the bar, but he can’t see the stereo or the piano anywhere. So he asks the bartender “hey where is that music coming from?”

The bartender says “check the end of the bar.”

So the guy walks ove...

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

A Vietnamese American woman, Christine Nguyen, wanted to preserve her surname.

Christine Nguyen, wanted to keep her surname after marriage, so she resolved to not take on the surname of the man she married, or change her name to a double barrel name that included her family's name.



Luckily, the man she ended up marrying was also Vietnamese American too, who just...

I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-

::sigh:: foiled again!

Three women escape from a prison and take refuge in an old barn.

The barn is almost empty, except for three old wooden barrels. The police are closing in on them, so they decide they will each hide in a barrel.

After a while the police arrive and start to search the barn. A police office kicks the fist barrel, with a brunette woman inside.

“Meooooow...

A new recruit has joined the navy...

A new recruit has joined the navy, and he's being given a tour of the ship. After the tour, the recruit asks the captain...

"But where can I go to pleasure my self?".

So the captain walks the recruit to a room at the back of the ship. The room had a single barrel, with a hole on the si...

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A young man was on a boat and was horny...

He asked the captain,"Sir, what do we do when we get horny 'round here." The captain reaponded,"There's a barrel over on the right side of the deck, you may use that everyday except for wednesday." The boy asked,"Why not Wednesday?" The captain had a smug grin on his face,"Because that's your day in...

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A whisky distillery is looking for a new taster.

They put out an ad for the tasting job in the newspaper. The next day, a shabby homeless man comes forward to apply and be interviewed. No one on the team is willing to hire him, but the distillery manager lets him sit for the interview for amusement's sake.

He asks his assistant to bring a g...

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A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

A Genie Grants an Irish Man Three Wishes.

The Genie inquires what his first wish will be.



"A bottle of Jameson!" the man declares.



The Genie snaps his fingers and a bottle of Jameson appears. The man quickly opens it and drinks the entire bottle of liquor. "What would you like for your second wish?" the Genie...

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

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First Day in the Navy

It was a young man’s first day on assignment in the Navy, and he was getting toured around the ship, his new home. His supervisor was rattling through his spiel,

“Here’s the bow, here’s the stern, mess hall, sleeping quarters, blah blah blah”,

The young guy says,

“great great,...

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Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying.

Confused, Peter says, "What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"

The first man says, "I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the co...

Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award:
- First room: 10 barrels of best wine
- Second room: 10 times with a very hot model
- Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.

The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. T...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have...

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The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

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A burly gentleman walks into a pub and slams his fists on the bar.

He tells the barman that the pub hasn't paid its protection money, and his mafia boss has ordered him to collect.

The burly gent heads down to the cellar and starts wheeling out all the wine barrels. He loads them onto his van and drives off.

Later that day the burly gent returns and ...

Once upon a time, a King wanted to have some fun...

.... He went on a podium and said loudly: "I will give half of my fortune to anyone who manages to tell me a lie that I, myself, admit that it's a lie."

An old man walked to the King and said: "I can draw rainbows wherever I want."

The King replied: "That's true, I saw you making one y...

Did you hear about the guy who survived going over Niagara Falls?

He barrel-y made it.

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So a new guy joins the navy...

And when he gets on his first boat, the captain welcomes him. “What’s up new guy, lemme show u around the ship.” For the next few hours they tour the ship going from bunks to the corridors, everything you can imagine. Eventually the new guy stops him with a question in mind.
He asks, “ Hey, it’s...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

&nbsp;

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams,...

Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey...

12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.

If the KKK was meeting for lunch where would they go?

Cracker Barrel.

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