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Gallows Jokes

A condemned man is standing at the gallows.

His final words are "I'd like to send the judge an invitation to hang out with me."

A journalist is sentenced to die at the gallows, but they run out of rope

He says: "I guess no noose is good news"

I used to be an executioner at the gallows but I got fired

I could never get the hang of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

Why does gallows humor not always have a punchline?

Sometimes, they prefer to keep you hanging.

What are you doing when you Sentence almost a Dozen Surfers to death by the Gallows?

You're Hanging Ten, Dudes!

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

A man is brought to the gallows to be executed.

As they're putting the noose around his neck, he's asked if he has any last requests. he asked for a high five. But they left him hanging.

Turkish gallows humor

A prisoner goes to the prison library, and asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author."

Two men were being led to the gallows in the public square...

The square was packed with people, wagons, vendor's stalls, children and farm animals.

Suddenly, a large bull bellowed loudly and broke loose from it's enclosure. It began rampaging through the crowd, knocking over stalls, running down people, goring anyone who got in it's way. People started...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows...

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows when they arrived at all the different nooses

“Why do you need so many nooses?” Asked the apprentice

“Well you see, the first one is the 5 o’clock noose. The second one is the 7 o’clock noose and this third one is the 9 o’clock n...

Two men, about to be hung from the gallows

Dave turns to John, and asks:
Dave: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: I don't know.
Dave: Me neither, but I'll see you on the other side.

Why is the crowd at a gallows so tense?

Because they're hanging on to every last word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you joke about dying, that's gallows humour...

But if you joke about cocks, that's *gallus* humour.

When I was sentenced to die on the gallows...

When I was sentenced to die on the gallows I tried to give the executioner a high-five, but he left me hanging.

I asked a criminal what he thought about the gallows?

He said,

"No noose is good noose."

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the...

What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?

A bearer of bad noose.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(nsfw)A grumpy king called in his court jester

The king says “I’m in a horrible mood. If you don’t make me laugh this instant I’ll have you sent to the gallows.”

The jester, without missing a beat, did a little dance, dropped his pants, and pulled out his dick.

He was hung.

Why should you never high five someone in the gallows...

Because they always leave you hang'n

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.

The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.

The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."

The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

3 aristocrats in the French Revolution

So during the reign of terror in the French Revolution, there was a line of aristocrats waiting to be executed by guillotine. Near the middle of the line, there was a clergyman, an artist, and an engineer.

The clergyman got up to the chopping block and said a short prayer, and miraculously w...

A Western Joke (OC)

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard.

The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows.

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised pl...

What did the Mexican hangman serve his victims as a last meal?

Pico de Gallows

A man his talking to his friend

A man and his friend are in a coffee shop talking about just whatever when his friend looked up at him said, "If I'm ever hanged at the gallows I hope they put a horse in front of me."

The man then , obviously confused, asks "Why?"

Then after a small null in the conversation his looks ...

A man was sentanced to death

His execution would be by the noose at the gallows.

With the executioner readying him, about to cuff him when the priest asked the man with the rope around his neck if he had any last requests.

The man said "yes." *He raised his hand into the air just in time to prolong his cuffing by...

Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...

The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later ...

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Silent Knight

So everybody know about King Arthur and the knights of the round table, but not everybody has heard about the Silent Knight of the round table. Here is a tale to tell:

A couple years after the round table was established the King went on another campaign. But there is a problem: he has a be...

3 soldiers crash on German territory in World War 2...

They were an American, a Brit and a Belgian soldier.

Since it's 1944 and the Germans still have hope the commanding officer offers them a way out; They can choose between the electric chair, a firing squad or the gallow.

With each penalty comes the rule: survive 3 times and you're fr...

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