My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

My angry egghead maths teacher hit his head on a rock today.

I think he finally cracked...

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders

I hate necks

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

Everyone laughed when I put pictures of my head on all of my clocks.

I guess I'm just ahead of my time.

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

I think I have a percussion.

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Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

What did the fish say when he hit his head on a wall?

Dam

What do you call an Audi that was in a head on collision?

An innie.

What's the best part about being a meth head on Halloween?

Just two more sleeps till Christmas!

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A man serves up a severed head on a cooking show.

The judge gives him a 7/10.

‘The flavour has little body’, he says. ‘However, the execution is almost perfect.’

My mom said if I don't stop using reddit she will bang my head on keyboard

But I know she will never do that because she loves medssxcvnklkjfsaarfscnnlknvdgjjbcfggukkfrhhvvvrrjbzddsazvbdwjjhguoiufde

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In the mid-80s, there were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the head on a man's penis.

One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. the results of the study pro...

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground.

The Indian looks up at him and says "Many buffalo come"
The Cowboy asks "Can you hear them?"
Then Indian says " No, ground sticky."

When a wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks

"Dear, do have any woman in your life other than me"?

Remember answer is not important at this time..Important is heartbeats.

A mate rang me last night, quite confused, to say a couple of sausages hit him on the head on the way home from the pub.

"That's nothing!" I replied. "I got hit by 4 steaks, 2 pork chops and a leg of lamb"

"What could it be?" he asked

"I'm not sure, but mine was definitely a Meatier shower!"

Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice?

On the average, he was quite comfortable.

Oh no! An Xbox One and PS4 just had a head on collision...

CALL AN AMBULANCE! WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU WiiU

There is a head on collision on a road....

In one car is a Priest and in the other is a Rabbi. As they get out of the cars they realise that neither is even slightly hurt but the cars are totalled.

"Praise the Lord!" says the Priest, "This must be a sign from God that we are to be friends!".

"Indeed it must." agrees the Rabbi....

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Did you hear about the hearse that got into a head on collision?

Luckily only one person was found dead at the scene

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

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The head is on the wrong end of this nail.

A carpenter was putting siding on a house. He'd reach in his pouch pull out a nail and drive it, then he'd pull out a nail and toss it over his shoulder, he continued, sometimes driving the nail and sometimes tossing it.


His partner asked, "Why are you throwing away some of your na...

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and says “Mate. Why the hell do you have a pineapple on your head?!” The man answers “Oh, it’s ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays.” The bartender says “But it’s Thursday...” Upon hearing this the man’s face changes to a look of abject horror a...

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

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A man dies and goes to hell

When he get there he's welcomed by Satan he tells him I have three doors for you and behind each one there's a kind of hell that you're going to spend all of eternity. Behind door number 1 is a bunch of people as far as the eye can see standings on their heads on concrete floor. Behind number 2 ther...

Pastor wakes up one beautiful Sunday morning

It's such a nice day that he decides to play golf, and so he calls in sick to the church. On his way to the course, St Peter and God are watching from above. St Peter asks God, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" God shakes his head On the first tee, a par 5, the Pastor gets gets off a tr...

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

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A Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awake...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

What was Elvis's last greatest hit?

His head on the corner of the sink.

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A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:

'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'

'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'

The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato...

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer are sentenced to death by the guillotine

The lawyer will be executed first. He is taken to the guillotine, the priest blesses him, and he puts his neck on the scaffold. The executioner releases the blade, which falls and stops halfway.

The priest, taking advantage of the opportunity, immediately says:

\- Gentlemen, God did...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

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Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

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