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Carbon Footprint

An old jewish Gentleman, Izac, lies in his bed dying. He call to his wife "Rachel, Rachel, are you here?"

"Yes, my love I am here as are all your children & grandchildren." Said Rachel with the family gathered around the elder's bed.

"All of you" He queried, trying to see through c...

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

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Three blondes are on a walk

While on this walk, they come across an interesting set of tracks. Taking interest in it, each of the girls have a guess as to what animal it could be.

The first blond said "I bet those are bear tracks", to which the other two scoff and say there were no bears around.

The second blond...

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

I saw a single set of footprints in the sand...

"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"

"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.


After the last scene of my life flashed before m...

Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

There's a single line of footprints in the desert

There's a single line of footprints in the desert. A man asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints. Jesus replies "because sand people walk in single file to conceal their numbers"

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

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Be safe

Guys Be careful!!!

Over the last month, my friend Lalit became a victim of a clever scam while at an Pantaloons shopping mall. Don't think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your v...

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

My first joke

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

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As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

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Paedophiles should be allowed to live near schools...

It reduces their carbon footprint

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

A joke about a bear I heard once.

Once upon a time a man had a dream. He was walking around the desert with his friend Bear, and when he looked up into the sky, he would see moments of his life flash by him, and when he looked on the ground, there would be two sets of footprints, one belonging to him, and the other belonging to Bear...

This huge guy broke into my house last night.

I confronted him but he punched me in the stomach then smacked me across the face. While I lay on the ground he stole my wallet, my phone, and then walked out with my TV.

I didn't manage to scratch him or take a photo but rang the police anyway in the hope they'd at least be able to find a...

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

Antivaxxers are eco friendly!

They dramatically reduce their children's carbon footprint!

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

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One night a man had a dream

He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus.
The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?”...

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

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A string of jokes I heard a while ago

How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper?

You can't because of all the elephants.


How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?

Same way you get to Wales in any other car,...

A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This ...

Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, “TORNADO!” All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head’s footprints and this time screamed “SANDSTORM!” The gullible ISIS members again ducked for ...

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Terrible jokes my Dad told me as a kid

Joke 1: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? The peanut butter has footprints

Joke 2: How do you know if an elephant is in your cherry tree? Elephants have blue eyes

I don't know if this has anything to do with how awful the jokes are, but my Dad immigrated fro...

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The loudest noise in the jungle

Why do monkeys paint their balls red?

So they can hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen a monkey in a cherry tree? No?

That's how good it works!

How can you tell if a giraffe was in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter!

And what is the loudest noise in the jungle...

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

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Golf Truisims

* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use
one more club or two more balls.

* If you're afraid a ful...

Back in WWII, the Marine Corps used Navajo speakers as "code talkers"...

The other Marines were always impressed with the enigmatic skills the Navajos had in predicting weather, where to find water, and tracking ability.

One day on a patrol, a Navajo Marine on point came across a footprint ostensibly left by the enemy.

"The man who left this footprint is an...

And as he continued to walk, he noticed during the hardest parts of his life

there was only one set of footprints in the sand. He asked Jesus, why, and Jesus said...
"Those are Cris Cristie's...he kicked everyone else off the beach."

Waiter Jokes.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Gee...look's like it's doin' the backstroke.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Don't worry sir, we don't charge for extra ingredients.

Customer: Waiter, there's a DEMON in my soup.
Waiter: Well sir, you said y...

Why did the climate scientist cross the road?

To analyze the chicken´s carbon footprint.

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