Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

I saw a single set of footprints in the sand...

"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"

"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with sasquatch
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to sasquatch.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

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One night a man had a dream

He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus.
The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?”...

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The Tale of Three Brilliant Brothers

Once upon a time, there lived a rich old man in a remote town. This old man had three sons who are among the smartest people of the century. One day, this old man fell extremely sick, and felt the inevitable is coming. He asked his sons to gather around his deathbed and wanted to talk to them for on...

A joke about a bear I heard once.

Once upon a time a man had a dream. He was walking around the desert with his friend Bear, and when he looked up into the sky, he would see moments of his life flash by him, and when he looked on the ground, there would be two sets of footprints, one belonging to him, and the other belonging to Bear...

A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This ...

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How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper?

Four: two in the front, two in the back.

How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper? None, 'cause there's already all those elephants in there.

How do you get to Wales (two whales) in a Mini Cooper? Same way you get to Wales in any other car; you get on the M4 and you go across the...

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

Yo mama so fat...

her carbon footprint turned to diamond.

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

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When I get a few beers in me I tell a lot of these jokes very fast without pausing for laughter or criticism

What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? The color

What did Jane say to Tarzan when the elephants were coming? The elephants are coming

What did Tarzan say to Jane when the Elephants were coming? The Plums are coming (He was color blind)

How do you kill a Blue el...

Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, “TORNADO!” All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head’s footprints and this time screamed “SANDSTORM!” The gullible ISIS members again ducked for ...

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The loudest noise in the jungle

Why do monkeys paint their balls red?

So they can hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen a monkey in a cherry tree? No?

That's how good it works!

How can you tell if a giraffe was in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter!

And what is the loudest noise in the jungle...

Why did the climate scientist cross the road?

To analyze the chicken´s carbon footprint.

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Terrible jokes my Dad told me as a kid

Joke 1: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? The peanut butter has footprints

Joke 2: How do you know if an elephant is in your cherry tree? Elephants have blue eyes

I don't know if this has anything to do with how awful the jokes are, but my Dad immigrated fro...

Waiter Jokes.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Gee...look's like it's doin' the backstroke.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Don't worry sir, we don't charge for extra ingredients.

Customer: Waiter, there's a DEMON in my soup.
Waiter: Well sir, you said y...

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Golf Truisims

* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use
one more club or two more balls.

* If you're afraid a ful...

Back in WWII, the Marine Corps used Navajo speakers as "code talkers"...

The other Marines were always impressed with the enigmatic skills the Navajos had in predicting weather, where to find water, and tracking ability.

One day on a patrol, a Navajo Marine on point came across a footprint ostensibly left by the enemy.

"The man who left this footprint is an...

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Lousy elephant jokes

These are best all told in rapid succession:

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How do you fit four elephants in a VW Bug?

Two in the front, one in the back, one in the glove compartment.

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How can you tell if there's an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?

There's a set of fo...