UPJOKE

Old Folks Jokes

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Two residents of an old folks home fall in love…..

June and Freddy. And they adore each other but they are too old and weak for sex. So the way they show affection is that each evening, June visits Freddy in his room, they sit side by side in their armchairs, and June just holds Freddy’s penis in her hand while they watch TV. That’s their love life ...

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

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They're giving all the old men Viagra over at the old folks home.

It keeps them from rolling out of bed.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

At the old folks' home

A man was walking past a retirement home with a tall wooden fence along the side. He heard voices chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" coming from inside the fence. Curious, he spied a knothole in the fence and put his eye up to it to see what was going on in there. Just as...

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The old old folks home.

A man and woman are in a nursing home and they start into a bottle of whiskey that the man has. He eventually talks her into taking her top off. Further down in the bottle of whiskey he is trying to talk her into taking her pants off. "Oh, i don't know. I have acute angina. " "Well I hope so! Those ...

They say old folks can't party.

That's not true. We party like it's 1959.

Then we go to bed like its 20:00.

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

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Old folks home

My grandfather lives in an oldfolks home and one night while I was visiting a nurse walks in and hands him a mug of hot cocoa and a pill. I ask what the pill is, she says "It's viagra" confused I ask "why?" She says "well the cocoa is to make him sleep and the viagra is to stop him from rolling out ...

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NSFW Two elderly ladies are rocking on the porch of the old folks home.

With a reminiscent look on her face, one of the old ladies says to the other,

"Oh Martha I was just thinking:
Do you remember the minuet?

"Oh for goodness sakes Henrietta. I can even remember the men I fucked!"

Donald Trump visits an old folks' home

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.

"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.

She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

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For community service I was ordered to go help out at an old folks home...

I met a nurse who told me about the old man I was going to be helping out with.


She told me that he had had a stroke a few years back and could only say one word. She tasked me with getting him to say at least two words by the end of my time there.


I thought it would be an inte...

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Movie night in the old folks home

It's movie night in the old folks home. Before the show this little old woman comes up to this little old man and ask if she can hold his penis during the movie. He replies, " Well I would say yes but I already promised Barbara."

Flabbergasted, the old woman says "Barbara! What's that bitch ...

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

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A couple in an old folks home

There was a social night planned at an old folks home. There was dancing, a punch bowl, snacks, etc... It was a pretty tame event.

Two of the residents, an elderly man and elderly woman were bored and decided that they needed more excitement so they snuck off to a utility closet so they could...

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

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Two old folks at a home had been trying to have sex with each other for awhile

Finally during the big Christmas party the nurses weren’t looking and they snuck away to her room and got it on. When they were done he turned to her and caressed her hair and said “Darling, if I knew you were still a virgin I would have taken my time.” Then she said “Well If I knew you could still ...

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[long] Old age [NSFW]

It is Bingo night and the 70 year old women are discussing who is the “hottest” widower at the old folks home.

One says “Arnold is the hottest gentleman here, he has hair and most of his teeth!”

Another says “Barry is the sexiest man here, just look at the way he gets around on his ...

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

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Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks, home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.

Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very ...

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Elder humor

Two 80 year old folks decided to married after their respective partners had died. Mostly for companionship, and social things.
That night after the wedding in bed, the husband starts to get frisky,...
She says "Be careful, I have acute angina", he says "Ya and your titties aren't bad either!"

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership…..

To find out the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.
“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insiste...

Grandma and the banister

'I heard your grandma was sliding down the banister at the old folks home.'

'Yeah we wrapped it with barbed wire.'

'Did that stop her?'

'No but it sure slowed her up.'

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A couple of Old Ladys are sitting outside of their retirement home, smoking cigarettes

when it suddenly starts to rain, just a light drizzle, nothing too heavy.

The first old lady pulls out her little umbrella and awkwardly holds it up abover her as she puffs away on her cigarette.

The second old lady pulls out a condom, tears a hole at the tip with her teeth and procee...

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What has 153 legs and stinks of piss?

A line dance at an old folks home.

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As long as it fits

So, one day, these elderly ladies are sneaking a cigarette behind the old folks home. It starts to rain so most of the women throw their cigarettes out. But one of them pulls out a condom, bites the end off, and rolls it down the cigarette and continues to smoke. All of the other ladies look on in a...

One of my favorite memories from high school was being an underclassmen and beating up seniors...

I really miss those summers volunteering at the old folks home

A poem for you guys

I call it Panties at an Old Folks Home.

Rose's are red
Violet's are blue
Beatrice's are green

Put your right hand in throw your backbone out.

It was probably a bad idea to play the hokey pokey at an old folks home.

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

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Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

Lego bricks are being used to help people with dementia and alzheimers...

They are being put at the side of their beds to remind the old folks to put their shoes on when they get up...

Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

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Stapleton Airport Incident

(This one is pretty old folks)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the d...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

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Once upon a time in a nursing home...

...there was an 80 year old woman and an 80 year old man. Despite their advanced years, they were both very much sexually driven despite the doctor's insistence that they give up that type of activity due to their advanced age, but one night, a sly wink over a game of Bingo and a sexy smile over pu...

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Texas

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust f...

Talking Dog

A man driving up a rural road sees a large sign, “Free Talking Dog” Intrigued he pulls into a small farm and sees a man sitting on his porch next to a beautiful Golden Retriever. He asks the farmer, “what’s up with the talking dog sign?”
The dog interrupts and says “I will answer that. Origin...

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Sam and Bessie

Sam and Bessie were friends with benefits in their retirement community. One day, Sam and Bessie are sitting on the bench outside of the old folks' home. "Hey Bessie?" Sam asked. "Yeah, Sam?" Bessie replied. "Do you mind putting your hand on my penis?" He asked. "Sure," she said.

Two days la...

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Bertha & Myrtle were sitting in their rocking chairs...

...on the veranda at the old folks home. Bertha turned to her friend and asked, "Myrtle dear, did you ever smoke after sex?"

Myrtle reflected for a moment and replied, "To tell the truth Bertha, I never looked."

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

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What do retired people do to make their days interesting?

People frequently ask retired old folks like me, what
we do to make our days interesting.

Well,for example,The other day my wife and i went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out,there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,"Come on man,how abou...

Stable bulls

One for the old folks...

Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their f...

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