You couldn't make Blazing Saddles today

Because if you did, people would say, "Hey, Mel Brooks already made this movie in 1974."

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been ...

Irish man stuck atop a blazing building

Fireman shout “jump in the blanket Paddy, just jump in the blanket”

Irish man “not likely, you English hate the sight of us Irish, if I jump you’ll pull the blanket away”

Irish man “put the blanket on the floor then I’ll ducking jump”

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

The sun is singing, the birds are blazing, the trees are shouting...

I think I may have taken the wrong medication.

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The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

A banker and a theif walk into a bar

The banker says to the thief, you're doing it all wrong...
there isn't any money in what you do. The thief smug, say's
wanna bet? I have a job this weekend and I'll show you
just how much money I can make.

The banker, laughs and says you're on. The thief figuring
he was just going...

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A limbless man is on the beach

A man with no arms or legs was laying on a glorious beach in the blazing sun. A gorgeous redhead approached him and said
"Have you ever been kissed?"
The man replied "No".
The redhead knelt down and kissed him passionately.
Shortly after a gorgeous brunette approached him and said ...

The Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are the matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a performance artist and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Really?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."

The juggler...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

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Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

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The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

Why was the baker the best soldier in the army?

Cuz he went in buns blazing

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A rich guy buys a new car

A rich guy buys a new car , the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it
for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to...

Cinderella was now 95 years old....

Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Ci...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

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Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.

He asked the biker, "What's your name?"

The biker replies, "Fred."

The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"

The biker again says, "Fred."<...

The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

Little Timothy comes from school...

"How was school?" Asked the mom

"It was a blast! We got to make huge fires!"

"Oh that sounds scary! Are you going to do that again tomorrow at school?"

"Well there's no more school, so I can't say mom."

"Well why not?"

"It got pretty lit in there."

"You kids...

Guardian Angel

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.


A day or two after that, he was driving to work. In the midst...

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

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A guy was getting ready for a dinner-date with a stunning blonde.

He looked at the mirror and thought: "I should get some color! I know a safe place to get a tan on my roof."


It was blazing hot that day; he went to the roof, undressed, and decided to tan for 30 minutes.


Unfortunately, he fell asleep; and when he woke up, he was badly burned ...

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

Grandpa told me this one last night at dinner

A lawyer is driving down the quiet country road and is approaching a stop sign. The road is completely devoid of people or other drivers, so the lawyer just slows down a bit to be safe, but otherwise drives through the intersection.

Suddenly a siren goes off and seemingly out of nowhere a po...

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Stoner joke with animals, always been a favorite of mine.

So monkey is sitting in a tree, sparks up a fatty joint. As he's enjoying his rolled handiwork mr lizard comes by an says "shit dude that smells delicious, mind if I join ya?" Monkey replies "No of course not, come on up man." So lizard and monkey sit an smoke for a bit; but this is quite a hefty J ...

Ed's father taught him how to ride a goat at a young age.

He showed him where the little saddle goes, and how to position the bridle.

Ed mastered the art of goat riding. The slightest pull from the reigns and the goat would stop. The lightest touch of the spurs on it's haunches and the goat would gallop full speed.

Ed named the goat Geronimo...

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The oil fire.

Several decades ago, there was an oil tycoon. He discovered one morning, that one of his largest oil wells had burst and caught fire costing him large amounts of money by the minute. He quickly called all the large fire departments for miles around, offering thirty thousand dollars to the department...

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The newspaper

So, I and my friend were in the cafeteria at lunch time, when...

Me: hey - pass me over that paper, will you, please?

My friend: What? Paper? Bah, you country duffer - here, use my iPhone 4S. It's the latest meanest and baddest piece of technology in your hands, and it's got 3G man - b...

Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor)

Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: "Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?!"

Heisenberg looks at him and replies: "No...

Funny Story

As the coals from our barbecue burned down...
... our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, ...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

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