UPJOKE
meetingdatingculturelifestylereligiongenderromancespousesocial mediadating websitealcoholbarsocial statusmiami universityromantic love

First Date Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl walking home on a first date.

On the way home the girl says, I am cold, so the guy wraps his jacket around the girl, she says "I just love a man who gives me his coat when I am cold."

He replies "Well no man want's a blow job whilst your teeth are chattering."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always play Jenga on a first date,

that way she knows how strong my pull out game is

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[First Date] Me: I quit drugs years ago and took up mountain climbing.

Her: That’s admirable. What’s the highest you’ve ever been?

Me: Once I tried to kiss a wild raccoon.

[First Date] Her: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: I collect box sets of 90s sitcoms.

Her: Interesting. Do you have Friends?

Me: No. I’m very lonely.

At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

I took a girl to a haunted house on a first date.

She ghosted me.

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

My dad advised me not to use my phone on the first date.

Imagine my frustration when she choked to death because I couldn't call an ambulance.

I had my first date last night!

Such an underrated fruit.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

My date wants to go somewhere expensive for the first date.

I think a trip to the gas station together will be most impressive in that case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on a first date.

As I gazed into her eyes, I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I knew right there...

I had roofied the wrong glass.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date,

we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

What does a biologist wear on a first date?

Designer Genes

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

On our first date my wife wanted to know my back story.

Told her it’s mostly ibuprofen and visits to the chiropractor.

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A Farmer and His Daughters' First Dates

An aging, old school farmer has triplet daughters who are all set to go on their first ever dates on the same evening. The boys are coming to pick them up, so he decides to answer the door with his shotgun visible to send a message.

The first boy knocks on the door. The farmer opens it with ...

On a first date:

Her - So what do you do?

Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.

Her - Wow, that's impressive!

Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

[First Date] Her: I am really enjoying our conversation. Let’s get a drink and see where it goes.

Me: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

First Date

Dad to the guy: I want her home
before midnight

The Guy: But you already own her home.

Dad: “turns to his daughter” If you don't sleep with him, I will.

Credits to r/dadjokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First date

A girl was going on her first date, and before she went her mother said "Listen carefully: Boys are only after one thing, so whatever he asks you, always say NO!".

So they go to watch a movie, then off to a restaurant for a bite to eat. At the end of the meal, the boy says "Do you mind if we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On our first date, I politely asked the girl for her pronouns.

It turned out they are fuck/off.

What did the serial killer say at the end of a successful first date?

Let me get them digits.

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

at the end of our first date

She says make love to me like they do in the movies
So I shoved it up her ass then came on her face...................................., Turns out we watch different movies

I was on a first date last night.

We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.

It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

I always ask a funny question on first dates.

"Are you a serial killer? "

Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.

Girl and Guy on first date.

They were just asking each other different random questions to get acquainted.. one of the questions was about food and what their favourite food was...

Girl: Oh my god I love cheese.

Guy: Lucky for you, I'm not circumcised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

First date

A man goes to the store to buy some condoms. The clerk asks if he needs a bag. He says no thanks, she's not that ugly.

I was on a first date recently and the girl told me she really liked the national emblem of China

I thought, well that’s a red flag.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence retu...

On a first date

HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I'm part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?

FRANKENSTEIN: My foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a first date with a girl.

Afterwards she said she didn't want to see me again. Apparently she was really pissed because I didn't open the car door for her.

Well excuse me for being in a hurry to swim to the surface.

What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date?

*"We have potential."*

A guy and a girl go on a first date.

They go to the carnival that is in town. The guy asks her, what's the first thing you want to do? She says to get weighed. He's says alright let's go, takes her to the carny that that will guess her weight. The carny guesses 108lbs, she says he's wrong that she's 112lbs. So she gets to pick out a st...

I thought going to gym would be a good idea for a first date.

But when she didn’t show up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
...

First Date

*On a first date*

Inner me: okay don’t let them know you stalked them online

Them: my aunt-

Me: Martha or Susan?

What did Adam and Eve do on their first date?

They shared a side of ribs.

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the thing about a girl who does anal on the first date?

It’s easy to slide into her BM’s.

[First Date] Her: Why are you talking to me like I’m a news anchor?

Me: I always do that when I’m nervous. Now back to you Jennifer.

There once was a farmer with three daughters who were all going out on their first date at the same time.

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun.

The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.

He was met with a boy, who said:

"Hi! My name's Joe.

I'm here for Flo.

We're going to the show.
...

My first date told me to just be myself 100%

So I went home and started playing some Minecraft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peters first date with Stacey was going well.

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Stacey made an announcement

"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you $50.00."

"Well," Peter shot back.

"I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back to your house it will cost you $100.00."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man on his first date.

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette...

A couple on the first date.

She: What are your hobbies?

He (gets a stuffed hamster out of his pocket): Taxidermy.

Hamster: And ventriloquism!

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.

Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said “no you creepy weirdo”, both times.

First date

Girl: "So, what do you do in life?"

Guy: "Well, I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers!"

Girl: "Oh my god, that's amazing!"

Guy: "Thanks! So, what's your sign?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a really nice girl on a first date.

Her: I bathe in milk, can you go to the shop and get some please.

Me: Pasteurized.?

Her: No just up to my tits will be fine...

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

I was on a first date.

"How many women have you slept with?" she asked.

I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"

"Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed.

I said, "0."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'

The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'

The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'

The man says, 'I know.'

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

A girl asks a boy on their first date

Girl : Do you smoke?

Boy : No, I don't.

Girl : Do you drink?

Boy : Hell no!

Girl : So you don't have any bad habits?

Boy : I have one.

Girl : What's that?

Boy : I lie.

Guys I just had my first date yesterday

So there was this stunning, beautiful girl that walked past me at today, and when she gazed into my eyes, I knew it was love at first sight.

Now, I'm not a particularly handsome guy, but I've been with enough partners to know that it was time to shoot my shot, have a go at it, etc.

So,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

A man and a woman were out on a first date together.

Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

A man's three daughters have their first dates

A man has three daughters and they all have dates on the same night. Now he's a protective father so he sets his shotgun by the door in case he thinks they're too shifty.
The first guy walks in and says, "Hey, I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, is she ready to go?"
The dad thinks, all right, th...

My wife emailed me pictures of our first date, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I’ve always had trouble with emotional attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first date couldn't of gone any better!

At the bar she ordered sex on the beach and I had my Dickins Cider!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First Date

A Man and a Woman are on their first date ….

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three six packs

Lady: How much per six pack?

Man: About $10.00

Lady: And how long have ...

Why I’m single - a transcript of my first date with an ornithologist

Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Ornithologist: Actually, I’m an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist (*smiling overbearingly*): Who’s there?
Me: A woodpecker! And you call yourself an ornithologist?
Ornithologist (*trying not to roll eyes*): Good o...

Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

A job interview is like a first date.

You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

A farmer who's three beautiful daughters all have their first date on the same night

The farmer is very protective of his daughters, so he decides to greet all their suitors at the door with his shotgun to check them out first. The first guy arrives and knocks on the door. The farmer answers it and says "Who are you, boy?"

The guy says "Hey, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bet...

I had my first date in high school.

I’m happy home economics introduced me to such a delicious fruit.

A guy and woman were on their first date...

Things were going good, they were getting along so great the woman decided to ask the guy back to her place, he agreed and asked for the check. While waiting they decided to talk a little more and he asked her what she did for a living. She told him she was a police officer. He gets a disappointing ...

Always bring a cane to a first date.

You never know, it might be blind love.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found the secrect to destroying a girls arse on the first date

Take em cycling

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass

As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

Why should you never order chicken or duck on a first date?

Because no one wants to kiss someone with fowl breath!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny is very excited to go on his very first date....

...so he goes to pick up his date. Now Johnny is a pretty hip guy with his own car; when he knocks on the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Johnny.

Carrie's father ask...

A man and woman are on a first date

The woman says, "Tell me about yourself. Do you have any pets?"

The man replies, "As a matter of fact, my pet mouse is having babies."

She replies, "Oh, how wonderful! That must have been nice to see!"

The man shifts a little in his seat and says, "I can't see it.

But it ...

A young man is out for his first date with an older lady...

It goes very well, and they wind up in the back seat of his car, messing around.

"Put a finger in me..." she whispers.

"Okay.."

"Now put two fingers in..."

"Okay..."

"Put *four* in, baby..."

"Alright..."

"Now put your whole hand in!"

"Urgggh......

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"



...

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped my new girlfriend off after our first date.

She said she hoped I didn't expect sex or a blow job off her so soon after meeting .
She said she liked to make a guy wait at least six months before doing stuff like that .
I said "I totally understood and respected her decision on that kind of thing, and would give her a ring in 6 months tim...

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.