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1st Jokes

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Asked my bud what he'd do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.

He couldn't say

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It’s called the Honda Accordless

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Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

In honor of my 1st cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

"Next Monday, we're going to learn about the Trolley Problem," the teacher announces to her 1st grade students.

"But Miss, don't we have a field trip that day?"

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My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "h...

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

They just finished a 31 day March.

Did you know that the original Easter took place on April 1st?

That Jesus sure knew how to pull off a prank!

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying

His mom asked him "How do you feel?

He replied: It was wonderful,Everyone was clapping for me!

1st man sees 2nd man and gives him a ride on his bike

1st man: "Hey! I feel something poking on my back."

2nd man: "It's just a stack of cash I got as salary."

(A bit later)

1st man: "I still feel something poking on my back."

2nd: "As I said, it's my salary."

1st man: "You must be your boss' favourite because your sa...

June 1st should always be known as the Norman Osborn Day

Because it marks the end of May.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

What Canadian holiday is celebrated on May 1st?

Maple Fool's Day

1st day at College

It was my first day at College, the class was full of students, I was late for 5 minutes and couldn't find an empty chair to sit on, the master told me to go to the next class and grab a chair, I went to the door next it was full of students as well, asked if I can grab a chair, all the students lau...

What do you call pandas on April 1st?

Bamboo-zler!

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it's only the first date.

What's the difference between someone falling from 21st floor and 1st floor?

21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH *thump*

1st floor goes: *thump* AHHHHHHHHHH

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

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1st (Original) Joke I’ve EVER Posted

What do you call a taco’s ex-girlfriend???

Nacho bitch!!!

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

1st post ever

knock knock
who's there ?


owl


owl who


owl who akbar

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1st Joke here

Police Officer:\*pulls me over\*

Me:Sir,Is there a problem

Police:Do i smell cocaine in your car?

Me:The one who smelt it dealt it

Police:Holy shit

Me:You are under arrest

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Smartest Kid in 1st Grade

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Br...

My 1st Movie Part

My agent called and I have a part in a movie called Cocaine

I was a little disappointed, I only have 1 line

I once knew someone who was born on April 1st and died on April 1st...

...His entire life was one big joke.

My 1st cake day, here’s my favourite joke for you all:

Graffiti artist writes on the wall: Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.

Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.

So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that...

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Great 1st Date Last Night

I had a great first date with a woman last night. We started kissing and she stopped and said......

"I just want to let you know that I don't give blowjobs or have sex during the 1st six months we date".......

I said, " Awesome, I look forward to seeing you again in May"

The best time to propose is on April 1st...

If they say no you can yell April fools!

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Little Johnny in 1st grade!

The first grade teacher Mrs. Pyne gives an assignment to her students and she says, "I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that begins with that letter."

She goes in order and begins with the letter A. "Who can give me a word that begins with the letter A. Li...

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

What's the difference between a person falling off 10th floor and 1st floor of a building?

The person falling of the 10th floor would sound like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" *THUD*

The person falling of the 1st floor would sound like *THUD* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they tha...

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.

“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

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So my 1st wife....

.... died from eating poisonous mushrooms.
My 2nd wife also died from eating poisonous mushrooms.
My 3rd wife died from a cracked skull. Bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

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A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

I have joined reddit on april 1st

so I guess you can say

I'm the joke.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.

Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.

She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"

I can't wait until January 1st, 2021.

That way I can say hindsight is really 20/20!

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Little Muhammad goes to 1st grade...

When the teacher asked his name he replied: "Muhammad".
The teacher says:" you live in France, from now on you're name is Phillip and you will be French"
Little Phillip goes back home and his mom asks him" well little Muhammad, how was school?"
Phillip replied: "I'm French now, my name is P...

Someone told me today is June 1st.

But they May be wrong.

It's October 1st and we all know what that means to stores around the world.

*"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."*

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Have you heard of the blind prostitute down on 1st street?

You have to hand it to her

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Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader.

Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth.

While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with co...

Saw 1st signs of spring today.

Two crackheads were carrying a space heater into the pawn shop.

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in ...

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

1st snowfall

I remember a long time ago when I first experienced my first snowfall. I was so excited, I was tempted to just take off my socks and shoes and go running through the snow. But then, I got cold feet.

On June 16, 1963 Russia sent the 1st woman to space

Only 3.5 billion more to go

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

Why do French people only drive in 1st gear?

They love a lot of revolutions.

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was and she said March 1st.

Been marching for half an hour now, and she still hasn’t told me.

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

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A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."...

Little Johnny is in 1st grade, but extremely smart.

One day his friend asks him how he’s so clever.

Little Johnny answers: Simple, I use association.

During this, their teacher is listening and thinks this is a big word for a first grader so the teacher decided to test him.

Teacher: Johnny I heard you telling your friend about...

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A guy and a girl were on their 1st date.

Girl: "So what do you do?"

Guy: "I own a mining business."

Girl: "What do you mine?"

Guy: "I mine my own fucking business."

2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.


CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just...

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

Two Blondes....

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens...

A woman is driving for the 1st time on the highway

Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."

She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

Why do truck drivers love the 1st day of June?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas

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1st Prize at the Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

...

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

A teacher asks a class of 1st graders

"If you're on a date how do you politely say you are going to the restroom?" A little girl says "Please excuse me while I go to the little girls room" the teacher says that's perfect, anyone else? A little boy says "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to shake hands with a dear friend of mine t...

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

A drunk man

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
...

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer

One / two / one two three four!

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.
The Asian annouces "im scared but i wore fluro underwear so if we crash they can see me" the Caucasian says "i wore my stars and stripes bikini as underwear so i can be noticed and picked up 1st". The African Ame...

True story

I had a heart transplant 5.5 years ago that's given me another 20 plus years with my soulmate.
Back when my heart was bad after the virus had attacked it 9 years ago. I had a cardiologist appointment in the morning and a echo cardiogram scheduled for the afternoon.
When I was done with the 1...

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

Tyrone first day at 1st grade

Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What'...

Nobody pranked me on the 1st of April....

....but that's fine, my life is already a joke.

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How did u do it so well?

Couple claiming Virginity:
Girl: If this is your 1st time, then how did u do it so well?

Boy: If this is your 1st time, then how do u know that I did well???

I was playing Golf with my girlfriend. She was stung by a bee, between the 1st and 2nd hole.

I told her, her stance was too wide.

A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.

Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose get...

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to...

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

What did Al Capone say to his capos after going out on a 1st date with an undercover cop?

She is a very good listener.

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

What is better than winning 1st place in the special olympics?

Not being handicapped

There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

We can always count on /r/jokes on April 1st...

for not making jokes like the rest of the subreddits.

A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

You gotta think about all those April 1st birthdays...

Their birthday parties must be a joke!

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

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