A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?”

So I did.

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.

The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"

"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."

"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i saw a kid getting beaten up at school by 4 bullys so i decided to take a step

This fucker got no chance versus 5 of us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, beaten to a pulp

Bartender: oh my god, what happened to you?

Guy: This guy beat me up because he thought I was hitting on him

Bartender: That’s terrible!

Guy: Yeah, you should see the other guy

Bartender: That bad, huh?

Guy: No, he was hot as fuck.

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

Who had The Rock never beaten in his career?

Paper

I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got beaten up by 4 guys the other week

Luckily I was able to knock one out

Looking back on it, probably wasn’t the best time to have a wank.

A man was shot with a starting pistol and then beaten to death with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

Someone's just beaten me with a map of Belgium...

and now I'm all covered in brugeses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

A married man man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says “You are my new master and I’m a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!”

The man says “I wish for a mansion!” The genie says “Okay, but your wife gets two!”

He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife...

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

I was walking down the street with my wife. I saw my mother-in-law being beaten by six men.

My wife asked, “Aren’t you going to help?”

I responded, “Six should be enough.”

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

My neighbor's son was constantly being beaten at school, so she put him on Karate Classes

Now he is beaten both at Karate and at school

A wowan was found brutally beaten in her home with a bloody kaleidoscope left at the scene.

Police are looking into it and have identified several different colours.

Little snail was beaten up by the turtles...

The snail's father asked him: "What happened?"

"I don't know... It all happened so fast..."

Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad

Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

What does a french masochist say after getting beaten up?

Merci

Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help

He really was no match for the five of us...

As I was walking along a city street, a man pulled a knife and tried to jump me. "I'll have you know, I've beaten off two men at once," I warned him. "I take on all comers!"

Anyway, we're dating now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

Man goes to the ER badly beaten ......

with a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctor says “what the hell happened to you?” The guys says well I was you golfing with my wife. When she drove the golf ball out of sight over a hill. When we came over the hill there was a cow grazing slowly but no golf ball. We looked everywhere for it...

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

I got beaten up by a Jewish guy at a Formula one circuit today

I only said that I was a part of the Mazda race

A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.

"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"

Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want...

Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan?

He died of dissin' Terry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband is tired of getting beaten by his wife...

A husband is tired of getting beaten by his wife in everything. He challenged her to basketball, to which she promptly beat him 10 - 2. He challenged her to bowling, again she won 230 to 211. He tried other sports, board games, eating contests, etc. to which she beat him each time.

He was...

Three guys go hunting

The first guy, from Georgia, walks off from the hunting camp and returns an hour later with a deer.

The other two hunters ask him how he did it.

"Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer."

The second guy, from Alabama, walks off and returns with a bear.

The ot...

I was walking down the street when I saw my mother in law getting beaten up by 7 people...

Someone said "shouldn't you help?" and I replied "nah, 7 should be enough."

Tonight you will be bound and beaten until you almost loose consciousness and your tear ducts are dry

Sorry wrong sub

'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'

'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack Paddy Whacked.'

A Pessimist, an Optimist, and a Literalist go Hunting

An optimist, a pessimist, and a literalist go hunting together. They make camp, and agree that one will go hunting while two stay at camp.

The pessimist asks to go first thinking that there won't be anything to hunt and wants to get it out of the way. They leave camp. Many hours later they re...

In the Best Interest of the Child...

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custo...

Two sociologists came upon a man lying distraught in the gutter after being beaten and robbed ...

As they looked down upon the battered and bleeding body one of them remarked- “we must find the people responsible for this terrible attack, they’re obviously in desperate need of our help”.

A police officer sees a beaten up woman laying on the ground with a man standing over her.

The woman is unconscious and clearly was injured.

"What happened to her?" asked the cop.

"The clap," said the man.

"The clap doesn't do that to people," said the cop.

"Well," said the man, "it does when you give it to me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British pilot was shot down behind enemy lines...

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground.

He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my...

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently met two desperate hookers.

The first was a prostitute so destitute that she was a substitute in a house of ill repute.

The second hooker was desperate enough to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the johns to earn extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

So I was walking on the streets the other day...

So I was walking on the streets the other day, and I saw this poor guy getting beaten up by 3 other guys. I decided to jump in and help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an old man being beaten up by a two men in masks. I decided to help...

We beat the crap out of him.

My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and notices several lines of people getting beaten. Curious, he walks to the bartender.

Man: “What’s with these people getting beaten?”

Bartender: “Oh, those guys refused to pay their tabs so we kidnapped ‘em and let people hurt them for money, their punishment v...

A man with a stutters sits on a train

He asks his neighbour: "e e excu cu se se m m me, wh wh what t t ti time i i is i i it?"

His neighbour remains quiet. This repeats a few times until a friendly person takes a pity and answers the stuttering guy.

After the stuttering guy leaves the train, the friendly person asks the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

A joke from 14th Century [NSFW]

In 14th century fabliau Le Sentier Battu , a beardless knight was paying court to a queen. she asked if he had fathered any children. The knight answered he was fatherless.



The queen responded "I do not doubt your word for a moment. For it is easy to judge from the state of hay whet...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

I like my eggs how I like my children.

Beaten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.