Executed Jokes - 65 Hilarious Executed Jokes

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the ro...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

A prisoner was told how he'll be executed

Needless to say, he was shocked.

What did the prisoner who was about to be executed say when the hangman ran out of rope?

No noose is good news I guess!

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"

The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"

They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"

Amer...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...

Is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

What were the last words of the first man to be executed using a guillotine?

I wonder what that wicker basket is for.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

Three men are about to get executed in Bulgaria

The executioner approaches the first man and says

"How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric Chair?"

"I'll take the chair" the prisoner says.

So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! ...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

My Palestinian Cousin's favorite Arabic joke

Two criminals are given the death sentence. Before theyre executed, the warden asks the first man "What is your last request?". The man says "Please, sir, could I see my mother one last time before I go?". The warden turns to an officer and asks him to fetch the man's mother. In the meantime, he ask...

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed.

The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who ...

Why did Mario get executed for capitalizing the word fence?

Because it’s a capital offense.

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Three men were about to be executed by a tribe of cannibals...

Their crime was trespassing. They didn't know that they'd tresspassed the tribe's grounds, and pleaded to be shown mercy. Surprisingly, the chief agreed.

"Go out into the forest, and bring back a fruit", the chief said. "You have thirty minutes".

The men were relieved, and went into t...

Why was the tree executed

Treeson

Three men are about to be executed

The guards bring the first man out & the firing squad gets ready to shoot. But then the man yells “*EARTHQUAKE!*” Everyone runs for cover, & the prisoner escapes.

They bring the second man out & the firing squad gets ready. But then the man yells “*TORNADO!*” Everyone runs for co...

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn’t fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.

The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn’t fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.

The engineer puts his head into the...

Three guys are about to be executed.

One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.

They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to th...

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed in France during the French Revolution. The priest is first in line and the executor asks him if he wants to be looking up or down as the guillotine blade falls on him. The priest replies "I want to look up at the heavens before I die." As a...

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In mediaeval England a man was once executed because his penis was too big.

He was hung

What do call a Sell Order that never gets executed?

A “Game Stop” loss.

A man is brought to the gallows to be executed.

As they're putting the noose around his neck, he's asked if he has any last requests. he asked for a high five. But they left him hanging.

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

Three women are about to be executed for crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. ...

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

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Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

How was the pianist executed?

The Chopin block.

Marie Antoinette was surprised when she found out how she was being executed

Her Face dropped

Why was Avogadro executed?

He was a mole

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

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A Jew, an Italian and a Polish parson are waiting to be executed by electric chair...

The Jew steps out first, warden asks him if he has any last words, he Mentions that his uncle is a doctor and the warden flips the switch. Nothing Happens. The warden says, “you lucky son of a bitch,” one in 1 million chance it doesn’t work, your free to go.”

The Italian steps up next. The w...

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its a...

Three guys are lined up to be executed by handgun.

The executioner ask the first one, "Any last words?"

"Tornado!" He exclaims, pointing behind the executioner, who turns around in terror. While the executioner is distracted, he runs away.

So the executioner moves on the the next guy. "Any last words?"

"Tsunami!" He yelled, poin...

It is the French Revolution and people are being executed.

The executioner grants the people who are being executed one last request before their heads are cut off.

A nobleman walks up to the block and says,” As a nobleman I request that all of my money go to my three children.” “Very Well” the executioner said. And he was executed.

A scientis...

3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the Nazis.

The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!! The Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The american is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood. Again the German...

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A prisoner is sentenced to be executed.

The execution shall take place at noon some day next week. The exact day, however, will come as a surprise.

Saturday eve before that week, the prisoner discovers a paradox. If he isn't executed by Friday, then he must be executed on Saturday. This will no lot be a surprise, however, so he kno...

3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad

The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.

The marshal isn’t pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The priso...

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Two death row inmates are asked about their final wish before they're executed.

The first inmate says: "I want to hear the entire Journey to the Centre of the Earth album by Rick Wakeman one last time."

"Alright, we can do that", says the guard and he asks the second inmate what he wants.

"Well, in that case", the second inmate says, "can you execute me first?"

3 prisoners on their execution day

There were 3 prisoners: Prisoner A, Prisoner B and Prisoner C.

They were going to be shot by soldiers on top of a cliff.

So the first day, it was the Prisoner A. He was taken to the cliff and the soldiers asked, "Any last words?" Prisoner A yelled, "TYPHOON!" so the soldiers ran and l...

What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China?

“Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

After Jesus was executed, the Romans placed coins over his eyes...

Today we refer to them as J.C. Pennies

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A joke my russian friend told...

So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignor...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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Execution of a porn star

Did you know that the first male porn star was executed?
He was hung

Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, “TORNADO!” All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head’s footprints and this time screamed “SANDSTORM!” The gullible ISIS members again ducked for ...

Do you know why Female inmate get executed the day of their menstruation ?

because every sentence must end with a period.

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