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Predicting Jokes

I think I'm getting better at predicting what people will do.

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See? I knew you'd click this post.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Crowd: TO STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE!

Chanter: WHAT DO WE WANT?

Crowd: LAST TUESDAY

Chanter: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

They're predicting record highs for Wednesday.

In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in predicting what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say...it’s a gift.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists are predicting that an aurora will be created from all the self-isolating people stuck at home watching porn...

Due to the resulting coronal mass erection.

Mary Poppins has moved to L.A. where she has opened a fortune-telling shop specializing in predicting future bad breath.

The sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert: Halitosis

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