Ow Jokes - 72 Hilarious Ow Jokes

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

I ordered a balloon on aliexpress

Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?

These two lifelong friends are talking...

And one of them says, "Hey, my friend, we're getting up in years now, life ain't forever; you ever, y'know, think about the hereafter?"

The other replies, "Sure thing, I think about it every day."

"Every day?"

"Yep. Not a day goes by I don't go into the garage or the kitchen ...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...

Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

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A man walks into a bar. He says "Ow!" A different man walks into a post. He says "Fuck!" Another man walks into a pole...

And he yells back "PATRZ GDZIE IDZIESZ!"

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink .....

so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. Yo...

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor

"Please doc you have to help me. Everywhere I touch my self it hurts. If I touch my leg, ow that hurts, if I touch my arm, ow that hurts. If I touch my head ow that hurts.

Doctor looks him over and asks him " Sir where are you from?"
The guys says "I from Newfoundland"
The Do...

A cat walks into a doctor's office

A cat walks into a doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"

The cat says, "Me-ow."

The doctor replies, "I know, but where?"

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

What's a cat's favourite piece of classical music

MeOw ForTuna

ow do you organize a space party?

you planet

Smart

A young boy is sitting in front of a diner when a large man approaches him.
"Ex-ex-ex-c-u... pardon me, d-d-d-do you know izi-iz-iz the fo-fo-fo-food good here?"
The young boy Scruggs his shoulders.
"W-w-w-well th-th-th-thanks anyw-w-way." The man says and walks away.
The young boy's mot...

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A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man....

What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

Thrown out of the petting zoo

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

An Undertaker named Bob

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. He wife asked him, "What happened to you?"

"I've had a terrible day!" says Bob. I had to go to a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag, because he had a huge...

A QA Engineer walks into a bar

Ow, when did they put that there?

I’m sick of those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn.”

Stupid firefighters.

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

"Me-ow."

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is s...

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

"Doctor doctor I can't feel my legs!!"

"I know," says the doctor "I amputated your arms."

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to chernobyl

Fourteen

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Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "...

Steve Irwin died just how he lived

with animals in his heart

A little kid swallows 6 plastic horses...

It’s Ok
His condition is stable

I woke up this morning and found id turned into a cat.

Don’t ask meow

Knock, knock.

- Who’s there?
OW!
- Ow Who?
Werewolves of London

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

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How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.

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A pirate walks into a bar.

He has a giant ship's steering wheel shoved down the seat of his pants. How walks up to the bar and sits down on a stool, but the wheel gets in the way. After about ten minutes of awkwardly adjusting himself, he gets on. Being a pirate he orders a glass of rum. As he goes to take a drink, his hand h...

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An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"All right woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and...

Why do wolves howl at the full moon

Because it hurts. Owwww ow ow owwwwwww

What did the tech geek say when he tripped over his computer wire?

Ow that megahertz!

What does the Neanderthal cat say when he stubs his toe?

Me. Ow!

Heres one my father likes to tell

A patient is being looked over by his doctor regarding a strange series of pains.

Patient: "...this pain just doesnt make any sense doc...."
Doctor: " hm.. well why dont you go ahead and point to where it hurts."
Patient: "Well thats the thing- look!"

the patient puts...

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"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

What do you call a gator who's gotten hurt?

An ow-igator

What do you call a bird that hits the gym?

A jacked sparrow!

Friends invited me to a meteor shower party, but I couldn't make it.

They were crushed.

I just lost 33.3% of my Cow

A man goes to the doctor complaining that that every part of his body hurts.

The doctors tells the man to show him where it hurts. The man points to his elbow, and says "ow!", then he points to his legs and exlaims "ow!", and then he points to his stomach and so forth until he has pointed to all parts of his body saying that they all hurt.

The doctor determines that ...

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

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How is the Starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.

But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.

I'm now afraid of light.

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Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

Cuz I've tried fucking everything.

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

A pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

The bartender says "hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate responds "ARGH! it drives me nuts!"

A man meets a woman with a dog

The man says "Does your dog bite?"

The woman says "No."

The man tries to pet the dog and gets bitten. He said "OW! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The woman says "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

What did the child say when he bumped his knee?

Ow, my kidney.

disturbed joke

doctor: say ahh

me: ow-a-a-a-a

doctor: it appears you are down with the sickness

At the Last Supper, the server is bringing in bread and stubs his toe...

"Ow! Jesus Christ!"

Jesus: "Yes, my son?"

What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

Someone broke 2/3 of my window on their way into my house

What hardware store would you yell out if you took a shot to the nuts?

Ow! Menards!!

A girl goes up to her mother

“Mum why am I called Rose?” she asks

“Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head”

Her sister asks the same question the next day.

“Mum why am I called Lily?”

“Because when you were born a lily petal fell on your head”

“OW KAHF HSHA DISHWKSDKC UEO”...

If you ever feel down, always remember

Mongolia has a Navy

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

\*stands on one foot\*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

So two orchestral conductors were walking down the road...

One turns to the other and says: "Was that your piccolo player I saw you rehearsing with last night?"

The other conductor replies: "That was no piccolo! That was my fife!"

*I'll see myself out. Ow! Stop throwing things.*

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