I tried to befriend a mushroom today.

I heard that he’s a fungi.

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A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

whats the best way to befriend a woman?

You tell her that you love her, then she'll tell you that you're just friends.

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

I befriended a stone, but it fell into the river

A shame, really. I was attached to that stone.

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A girl befriends a boy at school

What's your name - she asks

Dick - he replies - it's short for Richard

How does one get Dick from Richard - ask the girl curiously

One askes nicely for it - replies the boy

Why didn't 2x befriend x^2 ?

He had trouble integrating

How to end a conversation with a really hot girl you befriended online ?

Reply: "I am from Delhi,India."

An Old Guy Befriends a Woman in a Nursing Home

This old guy sits down next to a woman in a nursing home and tells her his wife died and asks if he could sit with her and hold her hand like his wife used to. She said it would be ok. After a little while he asks her if she could put her hand in his pants pocket like his wife used to do. She doesn...

Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin?

A Dog's Porpoise

A man gets sent to prison and is placed in a cell with two elderly inmates, Bob and Larry.

After a few weeks of listening to his cell mates talking, he learns that they've told eachothers jokes so many times that they've numbered them, Larry would say "47", and Bob would laugh hysterically, then Bob would say "89" and Larry would have a chuckle. The new cell mate, wanting to befriend his ...

In the Chinese version of "Fight Club" the main character thought he had befriended a crazy anarchist.

Turns out he was Wong the whole time.

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

A father is planning a birthday party for his son, who is a huge Phillies fan.

The father recently befriended a sports agent, so he reaches out:

"Hey Mike, my kid's birthday is coming up on the 27th and I wanted to see if you could pull some strings to have someone from the Phillies make an appearance at his party."

"Yeah, I think Shane Victorino is actually gonn...

A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.

She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.

He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a coupl...

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

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A city doctor is deployed in a tribal area.

After six months of serving there,he is sexually deprived. He finally opens up to a villager he had befriended.

he asks, "Here aren't any women. How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"


"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."


The next ...

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Two Iraqis

On their long flight to America, two Iraqi refugees end up sitting together and befriending each other. When the flight lands in New York, the two agree to meet up in 5 years and see which one became more Americanized.

After 5 years they meet up and the first Iraqi tells his friend: "Listen t...

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A guy walks into a bar

to meet a new friend he had recently made. After a couple of rounds his friend excuses himself to use the restroom. 30 minutes pass and his buddy still hasn't come back so he goes to check on him, but his friend was nowhere to be found. He decides to head home, but when he goes outside his car is mi...

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Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.

Somehow t...

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White Baby

A [white] missionary is captured by a tribe of natives in the heart of Congo. He is left to wonder around camp, and eventually befriends the chief's daughter. Now, those indians live by herding sheeps across the plains. And so, one day, the missionary and the chief's daughter have sexy time in the m...

Haven't posted for a while, so here it goes... A wild rabbit is captured...

and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come ...

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