I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.
Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.

Did you hear about the golf player that got arrested for a DUI?

He should've picked a better driver.

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My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*


"Just give me the DUI..."


-Anthony Jeselnik

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

‟Bullshit!”, he exclaims in response. ‟I haven’t had a single dro...

The guy who played Elliot in E.T. just got a DUI.

Probably wouldn't have gotten pulled over if he had taken the bicycle.

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A friend got arrested for DUI [LONG]

My friend told me he got arrested for DUI. And I asked how that was possible because he never had a drink in his life. This is what he told me:
So I'm driving along and there is a police car and they stop me. The police officer asks me to step out of the car: "sir did you have anything to drink?"...

On the Sherrifs Wife’s Death Bed

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for fr...

Redneck DUI

A routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eterni...

Cop pulls over a car at a DUI check point...

...notices a strong odor of alcohol and makes the driver blow into a breathalyzer, gets double the limit. The driver says this is a mistake and that his device must be broken and tells him to check his wife. The wife blows double the limit. The driver says his device is definitely broken and he sho...

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations...

Closing time comes around and the officer observes a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before finding his. Then he sits in his car fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else had left the bar and drove off by now. Finally, the ...

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

So there's this highway, and everyone on it is not obeying the laws. Speeding, DUI, the like.

A police officer stops a man on the highway. "Sir, since you were the only one obeying the law, I'm going to give you $55,000. What are you going to do with it?"
The man replies, "Well, I think I'm going to go to driving school and get my license." Then the man in the passenger's seat says "Don't...

Priest DUI

So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done i...

A cop pulls over a guy for suspected DUI

"How high are you?" the cop says.

"No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you,'" says the guy.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I...

Why did the horse get a DUI?

She had too many maretinis

Drinking and driving.

Drinking and Driving



I would like to share a personal experience with my

friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and

embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have

unexp...

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

An officer and a DUI

Having had a good lashing of booze at a village pub, a good local boy gets in his car to drive home. He's swerving all over the place, barely missing tree after tree. A police patrol spots him, pulls him over and ask the man to step out of the car.

"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe y...

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

What do librarians call breathalyzers?

The DUI decimal system

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

'When 3 Drunk Man in a Bar'

One day there were 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That's nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went ...

Three best friends get together at the bar.

All three get crazy drunk and then head home. The next weekend they meet up again.

Guy #1: "Guys, my life is ruined. I got so drunk last week that I was pulled over driving home and got a DUI. I'm probably going to have to go to jail."

Guy #2: "Damn, that sucks. But my night was worse....

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Guy dies and goes down to hell....

He's standing a a big red room when a door opens and Satan walks in,

"Hi, Lucifer Mourningstar, how you doing buddy? Take a seat, how ya doing?!?"

"Not good man, not good at all" the guy says,

"Why not good?" Satan asks...

"Well I'm here, and you're you... This is just no...

Bubba n' Buford II

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the...

So this young girl gets pulled over....

And the police officer asks the girl for her license, she says she doesn't have one, he asks why and she says because she has a bunch of DUI charges. Then he says can I see your ownership. She says I don't have one, he asks why not? She says because it's not her car, he says who's is it? She says th...

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

What did Steve Urcle say when he got pulled over for Drunk driving?

DUI do that?

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New Miranda rights

A very attractive and well built young female cop pulled over a man on a suspected DUI.
After some initial questions she decided to arrest him and made him get out of the car.
"Sir you have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be held against you...."
She never got to finish...

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A guy is speeding down the interstate...

A cop sees him and pulls him over. "License and registration" says the cop. "I'd give you my license officer, but I lost it after my 3rd DUI" says the speeder. "You're driving on a suspended license?" "Yes sir." "Well, let me see your registration" The man says "I'd give it to you sir, but the truth...

Taking a taxi home

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI ...

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