Dui Jokes - 45 Hilarious Dui Jokes

Redneck DUI

A routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eterni...

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A friend got arrested for DUI [LONG]

My friend told me he got arrested for DUI. And I asked how that was possible because he never had a drink in his life. This is what he told me:
So I'm driving along and there is a police car and they stop me. The police officer asks me to step out of the car: "sir did you have anything to drink?"...

Cop pulls over a car at a DUI check point...

...notices a strong odor of alcohol and makes the driver blow into a breathalyzer, gets double the limit. The driver says this is a mistake and that his device must be broken and tells him to check his wife. The wife blows double the limit. The driver says his device is definitely broken and he sho...

Did you hear about the golf player that got arrested for a DUI?

He should've picked a better driver.

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

Police stop a driver suspected of DUI.

"We need to perform breathalyzer test to determine the fact" the policeman informs the driver. "Can't do" answers the driver. "And why not?" Inquires the policeman "Because I'm asthmatic." "Very well, concedes the policeman "then we'll perform blood test." Can't do that either" replies the drives "A...

What do you call an Amish DUI?

Horsing around

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

A cop pulls over a guy for suspected DUI

"How high are you?" the cop says.

"No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you,'" says the guy.

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop...

A client was pulled over for suspected dui. He was sober, and didn’t want to do a field sobriety test

But found out that asking “can you just blow me” isn’t a good way to communicate this to the officer.

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Priest DUI

So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done i...

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI.

They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We are going to give you a sobriety test.Me: OK

Officer: Say the alphabet starting at L, backward.

Me: L at starting alphabet the.He let me go.

The guy who played Elliot in E.T. just got a DUI.

Probably wouldn't have gotten pulled over if he had taken the bicycle.

An officer and a DUI

Having had a good lashing of booze at a village pub, a good local boy gets in his car to drive home. He's swerving all over the place, barely missing tree after tree. A police patrol spots him, pulls him over and ask the man to step out of the car.

"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe y...

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

Why did the horse get a DUI?

She had too many maretinis

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations...

Closing time comes around and the officer observes a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before finding his. Then he sits in his car fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else had left the bar and drove off by now. Finally, the ...

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My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*

"Just give me the DUI..."

-Anthony Jeselnik

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

So there's this highway, and everyone on it is not obeying the laws. Speeding, DUI, the like.

A police officer stops a man on the highway. "Sir, since you were the only one obeying the law, I'm going to give you $55,000. What are you going to do with it?"
The man replies, "Well, I think I'm going to go to driving school and get my license." Then the man in the passenger's seat says "Don't...

Driving Questionnaire

A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:

Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?

"No, never."

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?

"Oh yes, lots of times!"

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving...

Failed Test

But officer, I don't deserve a DUI. In all fairness I couldn't pass that balance test sober.

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

What do librarians call breathalyzers?

The DUI decimal system

Drinking and driving.

Drinking and Driving

I would like to share a personal experience with my

friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and

embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have

unexp...

This year's World Cup in Qatar has already broken a world record

The World Cup with the least amount of DUI's.

My girlfriend told me she was on birth control but it wasn’t true.

Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI.

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I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

There was an alcoholic Jedi who used the Jedi mind trick to get a drunk driving incident removed from his record.

They called him DUI-Gone Gin.

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

I told the man: “It’s not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up that matters.”

He said: “That’s not how DUI tests work, sir.”

Three best friends get together at the bar.

All three get crazy drunk and then head home. The next weekend they meet up again.

Guy #1: "Guys, my life is ruined. I got so drunk last week that I was pulled over driving home and got a DUI. I'm probably going to have to go to jail."

Guy #2: "Damn, that sucks. But my night was worse....

Bubba n' Buford II

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the...

So this young girl gets pulled over....

And the police officer asks the girl for her license, she says she doesn't have one, he asks why and she says because she has a bunch of DUI charges. Then he says can I see your ownership. She says I don't have one, he asks why not? She says because it's not her car, he says who's is it? She says th...

'When 3 Drunk Man in a Bar'

One day there were 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That's nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went ...

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New Miranda rights

A very attractive and well built young female cop pulled over a man on a suspected DUI.
After some initial questions she decided to arrest him and made him get out of the car.
"Sir you have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be held against you...."
She never got to finish...

The DD

A young cop goes to the outskirts of town to a honky tonk planning on getting a few easy tickets or DUIs for the night.
As the bar starts closing down he sees many patrons coming out but one of the last guys out looks to be the drunkest.
The guy is stumbling all over the place and falling ...

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Guy dies and goes down to hell....

He's standing a a big red room when a door opens and Satan walks in,

"Hi, Lucifer Mourningstar, how you doing buddy? Take a seat, how ya doing?!?"

"Not good man, not good at all" the guy says,

"Why not good?" Satan asks...

"Well I'm here, and you're you... This is just no...

Taking a taxi home

One night, a man went out drinking with his friends. After having several drinks, he decided it was time to go home, but he knew that if he were to get pulled over, he would most certainly go to jail; so he decided to take a taxi home, good thing too, for on his way home, he passed through a DUI ...

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

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