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Sobriety Jokes

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Cop performs a sobriety check

Cop: "say your abc's backwards for me please."
Suspect: "abc's? Backwards? Officer I couldn't do that if I was sober."
*brief pause*
Suspect: "shit."

A client was pulled over for suspected dui. He was sober, and didn’t want to do a field sobriety test

But found out that asking “can you just blow me” isn’t a good way to communicate this to the officer.

Sobriety self check

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?



The first shucks between fits....


If you can say that without screwing it up then you're not too drunk to drive.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow.

But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

There is a new holiday in Russia called National Sobriety Day.

People are at a loss as to how to celebrate it.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work..?

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

After four months of sobriety, my cat relapsed and started doing catnip again...

The worst kind of nip-slip.

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

Mom joke

So my mom was in an accident and lost her leg a while back, she recently hit 2 years of sobriety, nice to her getting back on her feet-

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to ...

A man leaves a bar and is pulled over by a cop...

he's had a few too many to drink and the cop tells him he's going to administer a sobriety test. The cop asks the driver to say the alphabet starting with the letter M. The man smugly looks at the cop and says "Malphabet."

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

An employee buys his boss a bottle of liquor to celebrity his anniversary.

The boss goes, “I haven’t bought alcohol in 15 years. I’m 15 years *free.*”

The employee quickly apologizes and says, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to break your sobriety!”

The boss responds, “Sobriety? No I just have been stealing alcohol for 15 years and drinking it for free.”

A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers


As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.
Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A married guy goes to the bar


A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

What was the Jokers catchphrase during the prohibition?

We live in a sobriety

I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain

They call me, *the menace to sobriety*

How long does it take for an Irish man to get to a .08 BAC?

Approximately 2 days of sobriety.

I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

The Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are the matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a performance artist and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Really?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."

The juggler...

Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying co...

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A cop is watching a man stumble out of a bar...

He watches him as he has extreme difficulty walking down the stairs. The cop then watches him try his keys in every single car in the lot until he finds his car. He starts it up and takes off.

The cop pulls him over, asks if he's been drinking, gives him a breathalyzer. He blows a 0.000. Conf...

So every Friday night this one bar in town gets a big crowd of VERY drunk people.

So knowing that people drink and drive from this bar a cop waits across the street to catch people. So 15 minutes before last call a guy walks out from the bar stumbling and falling over on his way to his car. The cop sees this and also sees him take about 2 minutes just to get his key in the igniti...

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Three buddies get pulled over.

One day Joe, Craig and Mike were booze cruising around when they get pulled over by the police. After Joe failed the sobriety test the officer said 'well boys I'm feeling generous tonight and if all your penises add up to 18" I'll let you go'.
The three decide that it's a fair bet so Mike says he...

A police officer stops the local priest...

The police officer sees a car swerving to and fro, driving like an absolute madman, so of course, he stops the car. To his surprise, he finds who else but father Duffy at the wheel.
"Father Duffy, have you been drinking tonight?"
"Oh no, not a thing"
"Well I'm going to need you to take the ...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

A cop was sitting outside the local bar because he needed to meet his quota...

A man stumbles out of the bar toward the parking lot so the cop starts to move in.

The man fumbles with his keys and tries to push them into the lock then drops them onto the ground. He blindly reaches down and grabs them. Tries the lock again and opens the car door.

He slumps down in...

A Lawyer is on the road when he finds an armadillo.

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.





He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.





Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.





The policeman ask...

So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...

The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.

The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes ...

It could happen

Ah Mis’sippi Highway Patrol trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 82 about 2 miles east of tha’ River Bridge at Greenville ‘bout 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was ah Magician and ah Juggler and he was on his way to Columbus, Mis...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

An Irish man walks out of the bar...

And he's staggering all over the place. He drops his trousers and starts pissing on the sidewalk. He walks up to his car and fumbles with his keys repeatedly, but eventually gets in and starts it and drives away swerving all over the place.

A police officer is watching this happen and turns...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pull...

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A business man is going away for a business trip and is afraid that his young beautiful wife will stray.

He goes into a sex shop hoping to buy a toy that will keep her occupied until he returns and after explaining his situation to the lady behind the till she shows him the shops best toy.

'This is a magic dildo' she says 'all you have to do is say 'magic dildo' followed by the name of what you ...

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