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Plummet Jokes

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, “Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?”

He replies back “No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??”

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

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Two drunk guys are standing atop a tall building

While opening another beer, one guy says "It's crazy how windy it is up here!"
The other answers in slurred speach "Yeah, it's because of all the tall buildings here in the city center. This building is actually a special spot. There are such strong crosswinds here that you can actually jump of...

A parachutist jumps from a plane...

And after a few seconds he starts to panic because the ripcord isn't working as he continues to plummet to earth. Suddenly, he sees a dude going from the ground up and yells, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

A parachutist has just jumped from a plane and his chute doesn't open.

As he is plummetting earthwards and trying to get the parachute to open, he is surprised to see someone heading up towards him. He calls out "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No," says the other. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

A boy is jumping up and down on a big box in the middle of the city street yelling "16!"

Most people are just walking right past the kid, but an old man stops and says to him "boy, what are you doing?"

The boy says to him "you gotta try this! It's so much fun!"

The old man says "that doesn't look like fun"

The boy says "trust me, it is, c'mon just try real quick"...

An optimist falls off of a cliff

As he plummets to the ground he observes to himself: So far, so good!

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My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day.

Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on.

Man 2: Bull.

Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let ...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

The first time I tried parachuting...

The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.

As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked

"So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"

Just before a redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,

"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

He pulled the sec...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

Magic Window

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped o...

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

A plane is going down over the Atlantic ocean...

As the passengers plummet to their doom, a woman stands up, rips off her shirt, and says, "WHICH ONE OF YOU SO CALLED MEN WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?!" A man stands up, rips off his shirt, and says, "HERE, IRON THIS."

Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the bee...

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Three men are walking in the wilderness


As they are walking they come across a golden lamp on the edge of a cliff

The men decide to rub the lamp. Before their very eyes a genie appears and says; “Thank you for freeing me! As a reward you each get one wish. All you need to do is jump off this cliff and shout what you desire”

...

An avid skydiver dies in a skydiving accident.

At the funeral a friend approaches the widow.

"It was a tragic accident" the friend says, "but at least he died doing something he loved."

"Not really" replied the widow.

"I thought he loved skydiving" replied the friend

"Oh, he loved skydiving" said the widow, "He hated...

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A guy is drinking at a rooftop bar


Another fella wanders in. Pulls up a seat at the bar and orders a beer.

“Wanna see a cool trick?” the first guy says.

“Sure, why not”

“Ok, see this beer?” He holds up his beer and takes a swig.

“It’s magic beer” he said.

“Bullshit” said the 2nd guy.

“I can ...

A construction worker fell off a tall scaffold.

His colleagues dashed over to the edge and looked down in horror as he plummeted towards his death, crashing and bouncing off the metal structure.

A worker gasped in shock, "He will be bloody missed."

His manager replied, "No he's not. He's a splatter on the pavement."

I miss vine

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

One day, a man was relaxing in his house and heard a noise.

It was coming from his neighbor's house so he went over, knocked on the door and when his neighbor came to the door he said "What's all that noise? It sounds like a chainsaw is cutting a plate!" And his neighbor said "Well I can't tell you. You aren't a Jedi."
"How do I become a Jedi?" asked the ...

A skydiver jumps out of a plane and soon discovers his chute won't open.

As he's plummeting to his death, he sees a man rocketing up toward him from the ground.

As the two men pass each other, the skydiver shouts, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

The man says, "No. Do you know anything about gas leaks?"

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

A man takes a panda skydiving.

On the day of the jump, he follows the bear out of the plane and down they plummet.

When it comes time, he reaches for his cord but can't find it. He starts panicking for his life.

The panda sees what's happening and produces two pieces of bamboo. After careful coaxing, it gets the man...

Why did the "Chicken Soup Waterfall" attraction fail?

Its stock was plummeting.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane, the plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building.
There were only 3 parachutes. "I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute" said Obama. "I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute" sa...

It was a rough day when the shelf collapsed at the gun shop..

The stocks plummeted..

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Three men on their lunch break *LONG*

Three men were working together on the 40th floor construction of the Empire State Building.
An American, an Italian, and a Canadian.

A loud horn is heard signifying lunch, and all three men sat together, on the edge, their feet dangling a hundreds of feet in the air.

The American o...

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A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. “Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy.

After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”
They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.The patron runs back to the bar and says to the barte...

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Albert is staying in a nice hotel goes to the bar on the roof.

As he pulls up his stool, he asks the man next to him what he's having.
"Oh, this?" says the man. "This is magic beer."
"Bullshit." says Albert. "No such thing.
"Oh, yeah?" the man says. "Watch this."
The man then downs his beer, gets up and jumps off the roof.
In disbelief Albert se...

A hot blonde girl walks up to a guy at the bar . . .

she says "Hey there gorgeous what are you drinking?"

He said"This? This is magic beer"

What do you mean magic beer?

Have a look at this - he takes a large gulp, walks up to a concrete wall and punches a hole in it

That's amazing said the girl, what else can it do?
...

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Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that th...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

Three construction workers are sitting down to lunch...

They each bring their lunches to to the top of the building.

The first worker says, "Turkey, turkey, turkey. If I have turkey one more time, I'm gonna jump off of this building." He opens his lunch box and finds turkey, so he jumps to his death.

The second worker says, "Tuna, tuna, tun...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

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A blonde gets on a plane with her friend and they take their seats.

An hour or so after take off, they're handed an eye mask and pillow. The blonde ponders the in-flight entertainment for a moment, then puts on her eye mask and kicks back... when suddenly, the plane violently shakes and everyone starts to scream.

The hull of the plane tears open, ripping off ...

A man goes skydiving.....

A man goes skydiving.

After he jumps out of the plane he pulls the parachute cord and nothing happens.

Panicking, he pulls the emergency chute. Again nothing happens.

As he is plummeting towards the earth he sees a speck moving up towards him. As he focuses he can see it's anoth...

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A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

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A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass....

....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise.

As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the eng...

Smartest Man in the World

An old priest, a boy scout, the President, Bill Gates and the smartest man in the world are traveling in an airplane together.

Without warning, the engines fail and the plane starts plummeting towards the earth. There is one problem: the plane is loaded with only 5 parachutes. Someone will h...

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?



Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?


A bagel hit him in the eye!

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[Long] The Life of Parmish [Part 1]

There were once two young brothers from India, Parmish and Dudah, who decided one day to travel the world. They went to London, France, China, Japan, and many other countries. They ate all the exotic food they came across and explored many different cultures and experiences.

At their last st...

The guys on a plane

There are three guys on a plane that is plummeting to earth. As the plane is falling they all throw an object out of it wondering what would happen. The first guy throws an apple out of the plane the second guy throws a pear out of the plane and the third guy throws a grenade out of the plane. When ...

A guy drank some magic beer

A man sat alone at the bar of a rooftop club. Soon another man sat beside him and asked him what he was drinking.

"Magic beer." the man said.

"What do you mean by magic beer?" the new arrival asked.

The magic beer drinker took 2 gulps of beer and jumped off the building....

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Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

There are things worse than death

A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved.

He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of y...

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The Pope is in a hardware store. He goes up to the clerk and says...

"Wanna see a trick?"

"...I can turn anything I touch into a holy item. Watch."

He grabs a shovel, says a few words and sets it back down. Slowly it is surrounded by an amber glow.

"Wow! That's amazing," she says. "I'd like to offer you a job."

So, the Pope accepts her off...

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Two guys are at a rooftop bar.

One guy says to the other “I bet you $100 I can jump off the roof and pop right back up.” The second guys says “yeah right, you’re on!” First guy walks over to the side, jumps off and then a couple seconds later, sure enough, here he comes back up onto the roof.

The second guy is both dumbstr...

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2 men are at a bar ontop of the empire state building

* Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
* "You see that window over there? It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
* Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
* Man 1 says "Ok" and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running star...

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

Wants to feel like a woman one last time before her plane crashes...

One day, there was a reasonably attractive woman on board an airliner that just so happened to be crashing.
As her plane plummets to certain destruction, she can't help her need to feel like a woman one last time.
"Are there any men on the plane that want to make me feel like a real woman one...

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...

Two guys are talking at a fancy rooftop bar.

Clearly drunk out his mind, one guy says to the other, "Ya know...the air currents are sho shtrong up here...hic...you can float on 'em like water."

Also wasted, the other guy says, "Ah, you're crazy. You can't do that! (Burp)"

The first guy says "S'true! Juss watch!"

So he stum...

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So a Bus Full of Nuns is Driving Through The Mountains. . .

When suddenly the driver nods off, and they careen over the edge of a cliff plummeting to their deaths.

When they open their eyes, infront of them stand the majestic pearly gates, and Sainst peter sitting at a desk waiting.

"Okay ladies, listen up, I need to ask each of you a question,...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

Two Irish guys, Paddy and Mick are drunk in a newly renovated pub in their town

Paddy announces that he has to go to the bathroom.

"I'llll assk the baarman where the bog isss" Paddy mumbles to his mate and then he stumbles up to the bar.

"Wherrre'ss the jack's?" He asks the barman.

Pointing to a door in the back, the barman says "Go through that door, take...

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi meet for lunch

one day. After talking for a bit the priest says "hey rabbi, why don't you join the monk and I for a fishing trip tomorrow morning?" Thrilled, the rabbi accepts the offer.
They meet up at the docks around dawn, row out a bit, then cast out their fishing poles. Half an hour passes when the priest...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

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Two Australian construction workers

Two Australian construction workers, Pete and Mick, and working on the top floor a high rise building. Pete says to Mick - "I need to take a piss, but there's no dunny up here". Mick suggests that they extend a plank out over the side of the building, supported by Micks weight and that Pete walk out...

A threesome of golfers approaches the tee...

The first golfer is Jesus. Jesus takes a swing and the ball sails directly into the water. Jesus' ball doesn't sink, and he walks across the water's surface and takes his second swing. The ball drops on the green.

The second golfer is Moses. He takes a mighty whack at the ball, but it also la...

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A man walks into a bar at the top of a 30-story building...

...goes up to the bartender, and before he can ask for a drink, the man next to him leans over and says "a Rum and Coke will make you fly." The first guy looks at the second guy and just laughs at him, but the second man is adamant that it's literally true and asks the bartender for a rum and coke. ...

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This fly is flying around a barn..

And he lands on a huge pile of horse shit. MMM, delicious. He eats and eats until he is absolutely stuffed. He is so full, when he tries to fly away, he get can't get airborne. He sees this pitchfork leaning on the wall, and he climbs up it, all the way to the tippy-top of the handle. He launches hi...

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Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing a round of golf and the score was dead even between the three players.

First up to try and break the tie was Jesus.

He wound up and followed through. The ball took a wicked dog leg to the right and fell into the water. Jesus walked over the wat...

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A women walks into a bar...

The bar is atop a 40 story building. She sits at the bar and orders a drink. She looks across and sees a strikingly good looking man drinking a beer with a unfamiliar label. She walks over and asks "What are you drinking?" The man responds " Oh this? Its magic beer." "What makes it Magic" she asks. ...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.

"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"

So...

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A man suspects his wife is cheating on him...

so he decides to come home early and catch her in the act. When he arrives at their apartment he finds another car that he doesn't recognize. Furious, he throws the door open to find his wife, sweating and in her underwear sitting at their dining room table.

In a rage, he starts to tear throu...

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A drunk is sitting in the corner of a bar on the 10th floor,

Drinking happily when he notices this odd fellow walk up to the bar. He says something to the barkeep and is then served a shot. He downs the shot, slams the glass on the bar, walks over to the window, opens it up, and jumps out.
The drunk sitting in the corner shakes his head and continues to ...

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

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Two men are sitting next to each other in a hotel bar

After they've each had a few, they begin to strike up a conversation. They chat on about business and family and life for a time. Then, after awhile, the first guy says, "Hey, do you want to hear something incredible?"

The second guy replies, "Sure, why not?"

"If you go to the roof of ...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Quasimodo applies for a job at Notre Dame...

...with his younger brother, Semimodo. They meet the Prelate high up in the bell tower.

The Prelate says "why should I hire you Quasimodo?"

He replies "because I can ring the bell better than anyone! And using only my face!"

"Show me," says the Prelate, whereupon Quasimodo ...

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Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter

Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter.
Regretfully, st . Peter says that heaven is full and as a result he can only choose one of them.
“Tell me about how you died and I will decide who shall go forth” he said.

The first man steps forward and say...

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Old joke my friend use to tell

A man was having a really horrible day, he lost his job, his wife left him and he decided to go to a bar that he'd never been to before. It was on the 42nd floor of a high-rise building, he goes he sets down and orders a drink. After a few moments a man down on the other side of the bar notices him ...

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The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

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A man is lost in China

Jimmy is lost in the woods in the middle of the night. After hours of wandering, he stumbles across a random House. He excitedly knocks on the door and an elderly Chinese man who appeared to be at least 110 years old answers.

"I'm sorry to bother you but I am lost!" Jimmy says, " can I stay h...

A Supermodel, A Boy Scout, And The Smartest Man In The World

A supermodel, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world are on a plane together. There is an engine malfunction and the plane begins to plummet towards the Earth far below. Everybody (including the pilot), is able to bail except the three mentioned, as there are only two parachutes left between...

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Two men walk in to a cliff side bar.

Around 10 pm, two men with brown and black hair walk in to a cliff side bar. The men sit beside each other, start hammering down drinks, and hit it off. After much laughing and joking the black haired man gets serious. He whispers to the other,
" you know, i heard the updraft on the side of this...

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Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

There was a support group for ugly people.

and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned.

So...

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A firefighter, a Native American, and a soldier are in a plane...

...flying over the US. They aren't up very high and so the windows are open (ignore the unscientific logic of this, it's a joke). They've been in there quite some time, and the firefighter starts getting bored. He pulls out his extra hat and drops it out the window just to see what will happen.
...

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

It's a busy day at the gates of heaven...

... bombings, cancer, shark attacks—the line at the pearly gates is never short. Old St. Peter, fatigued by his endless service, decides to take the afternoon off for some well deserved R&R. However, after shooing the new arrivals off to limbo for the evening, three men remain in line to enter H...

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John's wife is about to give birth to his first child...

...and John is equally terrified and excited, a total nervous wreck.

On the day his wife went to the hospital, John went to work at the factory, prepared to leave as soon as he got the call that his wife was in labor.

John could barely concentrate. His mind was swimming with doubt and...

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