A guy walks into the Doctor's office

A guy walks into the Doctor's office with a duck on his head.

The Doctor looks at him and says "So what seems to be the problem?"

The duck says "Get this guy off my ass!"

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

and says: "Doctor, I get an erection every time I look into a mirror."

The doctor takes a good looks at the man and responds:
"That's no wonder, Sir. You look like a proper cunt to me."

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog growing out of his head. "My god!" Says the doctor "How did that happen?"

"It all started with a pimple on my bum." replies the frog.

A doctor's receptionist is working away when she sees a nun running out of the doctor's office in floods of tears.

"whats up with her?" asked the receptionist.

"Oh, I told her she was pregnant", answered the doctor.

"Oh, no! That's terrible".

"Don't worry," said the doctor, "she's not, but it's cured her hiccups".

At the doctor's office

A gynecologist is in middle of a pelvic exam when his colleague enters the room.

- Hey John. Do you know where we will be getting together tonight after work ?

- Yes, sure. It's very easy to find. You remember where we were last time ? Yes... You go straight from there for about hund...

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Doctor's office

A young guy goes to the doctor. He says “doctor, I have this terrible problem with flatulence. I fart uncontrollably and they always smell incredibly bad. You have got to help me”.

So the doctor says “pull down your trousers and underpants, hop on the bed and let me have a look”.

So...

Mr. Johnson walk into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

He lets out a very loud fart and says, "See? It doesn't smell."

The doctor goes to his closet and takes out a pole with a hook on the end.

Mr. Johnson is understandably terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?"

"I'm just going to open the window," says the doctor. "And...

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

Guy walks into the doctor's office...

A guy with green beans stuck in his ears goes to the doctor.

"Doc, ya gotta help me," he moans, "I feel terrible."

The doctor says, "Well I can tell just by looking at you, you're not eating right."

A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"

"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"

"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"

The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"

She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"

She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those ...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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A man is walking home from the doctor's office in soviet Russia

He is stopped by a solider, who says "comrade, let me see your papers."

He begins looking but can't find them.

"Show me your papers now or I will assume you are an American spy." The soldier cocks his rifle.

Reaching into his inside pocket, he finds some papers, and throws th...

I took a urine sample at the doctor's office today.

I think my kleptomania is getting out of hand.

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the ...

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

A man walks into the doctor's office and tells the receptionist: "Help! I think I'm invisible!"

She replies: "Sorry, the doctor can't see you."

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A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
becau...

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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, yes sir, may we help you? There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

we do not use language like that here, she said. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's so...

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An elderly man went into his doctor office for his yearly physical when his doctor handed him a jar and asked him for a sperm sample.

The doctor gave the man his jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow so we can get a sperm count."

The next day the 89-year-old man walked into the doctor's office and gave him the jar. However the jar was as spotless and empty as it was when the doctor gave ...

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A man runs into a Doctor's office and shouts "Oi! You told my wife she has a nice fanny!"

Doctor: No, I said she has acute angina...

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I was at the doctor's office and this guy told to drop my pants then he cupped my balls and told me to cough.

The nurse then leaned into the waiting room and told me the doctor was ready to see me and asked who the guy was.

I went to the doctor's office. The phlebotomist appeared, holding a sketchbook and a pencil, and said...

"Hold still so I can draw your blood."

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded...

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

A Man walks into a doctor's Office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

I have a joke about the doctor's office...

But you're gonna have to wait a little longer.

A hypochondriac walks into a doctor's office...

No he doesnt

A man runs into a doctor's office screaming

A man runs into a doctor's office screaming:

Man: "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

Doctor: "Relax, sir. You're two tents."

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

A guy was in the doctor's office and the doctor asked him "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?"

The guy being optimistic said "I want to hear the good news first."

The doctor said "You have less than 24 hours to live"

The guy said "How is that good news? Tell me the bad news???"

The doctor said "I tried to tell you yesterday"...

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A scientist walks into a doctor's office to inquire about his fever.

The doctor asks the scientist to lay down and drop his pants, which the scientist does without question.

The doctor asks about the scientists field of work to which he replies "astronomy my dear boy". The doctor was overjoyed at this response as space had always interested him.


T...

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

What's the hardest thing about going to the doctor's office after a Alzheimer's diagnosis?

What's the hardest thing about going to the doctor's office after a Alzheimer's diagnosis?

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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

Fat guy walks into a doctor's office

He says "doctor, I think I have obesity. My mom had obesity, my dad had it, and evan my uncle has obesity."

Doctor replies "sir, the problem isn't that obesity runs in your family."

"The problem is that nobody runs in your family"

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I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck standing on his head

The doctor said - "how did this happen?"

"I'm not sure. It started a couple weeks ago as a growth on my foot," says the duck.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.

The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."

The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"

"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom....

A mother and her daughter went to the doctor's office...

The mother asked her doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her" the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped,"That's nonse...

A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"

"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

A man runs into a doctor's office, shouting "Doc, I need your help!"

The doctor asks what's wrong, the guy says "I think I'm a moth".

The doctor says "Sir, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office, knitting to pass the time.

The first one pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and take one. The other two ask what it was.

She says, "Calcium. Strong bones for baby and mommy!"

Satisfied, they all return to their knitting.

A few minutes later, the second one pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. ...

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A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is comi...

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

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(NSFW) Guy walks into the Doctors Office and says....

"DDDDDoc, I've beeeeen stutttttttering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccccan yyyou helllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.

The guy says, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc...

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

He drops his pants and bends over the table to show the doctor his asshole, which is red, inflamed, and about 15 inches wide.

"Good God, man!" cries the doctor. "What happened to you?"

"Well," the man explains. "I was on safari, and I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with a ...

Today I called my doctor's office asking for an appointment. She said, "how about 10 tomorrow?"

I said, "No I don't need that many."

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

A man is at a doctor's office

"Alright, this ones an antidepressant, this ones a painkiller, this one is anti infection, and take this one every day for the wound to heal faster. I also recommend taking this with the rest of them, it's easier that way."

"Doctor, do you have anything other than vodka?"

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Guy walks into a doctor's office...

The doctor says, "In order to get the physical started I'm gonna need a urine sample, a stool sample, a semen sample, and a blood sample." The guy says, "Gee Doc, that sounds like it's gonna take a while. Can I just give you my snuggie instead?"

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At a Soviet-era doctor's office...

A man walks in and says: "Help, I've swallowed a pen!"

Doctor says: "No worries, you can have mine."

Next one comes in and says: "I can't take a piss anymore."

Doctor: "How old are you?"

Patient: "76"

Doctor: "That's around the time you'd run out of piss, yes."
...

I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.

I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"

Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."

I a...

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

A 90 Year Old gentleman visits the doctor's office and says

**"Doc, I want to live another 20 years"**

The Doctor asks:

*"Do you drink?"*

**"No"**

*"Do you smoke?"*

**"No"**

*"Do you do any drugs?"*

**"No"**

*"Do you chase women?"*

**"No"**

*"Then why do you want to live another 20 years?!...

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A Jewish man and a Vietnamese man waiting in the doctor's office.

A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment and as the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.

Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say ...

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

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A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his gl...

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A woman walks into a Doctor's office with a frog on her head.

Slightly taken aback, he tells her to sit and asks, "What would happen to be your ailment?"
"Well Doc, there would appear to be a woman stuck to my ass."

At the doctor's office

Dr: Sir I have unfortunate n...

Patient: IT'S MA'AM!!!

Dr: Ma'am you have testicular cancer.

I was at the Doctor's office

The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.


Each...

How's a doctor's office similar to a US school?

Kids can get their shots there, if someone is ill.

A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

When my three-years-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"

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