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Doctor's Office Jokes

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

A cat walks into a doctor's office

A cat walks into a doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"

The cat says, "Me-ow."

The doctor replies, "I know, but where?"

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.

The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."

The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"

"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom....

A nurse rushes into the doctor's office, fear on her face

\- Doctor, we've got trouble! The man you've just released with a clean bill of health dropped dead right at the office's door!

The doctor jumps up from his chair:

\- Quickly, help me turn the body. I need people to think he was entering.

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

A man walks into a doctor's office

The receptionist greets him. "Hello, sir. Do you have an appointment?"

The man responds, "oh, sorry. The flair said this was a bar."

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Guy walks into a doctor's office...

...says - Doctor, there's something wrong with my cock.

Dr says - ok, pull down your pants and I'll have a look.

Guy pulls down pants. He has a tiny cock. Size of a tiktak.

Dr bursts out laughing, says - What's wrong with it?

Guys says - It's swollen.

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

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A guy with a stutter walks into a doctor's office...

He asks the Doctor, "Hey, d-d-doc. I have a bad s-s-s-stutter, and I th-th-think it's because of my twelve inch p-p-penis. D-d-do you think you c-c-can take a f-f-few inches off?"

And the doctor replies, "Sure! No problem, at all!"

So they perform the surgery, the doctor removes severa...

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A man goes to the doctor's office

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the ...

Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical...

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

...

A nun runs crying out of the doctor's office

The nurse asks the doctor "Why is she so upset?"

"Oh," the doctor says, "I just told her she was pregnant."

"Oh my! She's pregnant?"

"No, not really, but I sure cured her hiccups."

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At the doctor's office

The patient complains: "I can not have sex with my girlfriend, it doesn't fit." The doctor recommends a personal lubricant and send the patient home.

The next day the patient is back: "It still didn't fit." The doctor prescribes a more potent medicinal lubricant: "This will surely solve your ...

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Doctor's office

A young guy goes to the doctor. He says “doctor, I have this terrible problem with flatulence. I fart uncontrollably and they always smell incredibly bad. You have got to help me”.

So the doctor says “pull down your trousers and underpants, hop on the bed and let me have a look”.

So...

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(NSFW)A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office..

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is blown away by how stunningly awesome she is that all his professionalism goes right out the window..

He tells her to take off her pants, she does and he begins to start rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I'm...

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

A man stormed into the Doctor's office

A man stormed into the doctor’s office full of excitement. He grabbed the doctor’s hand and pumping it furiously, exclaimed “Doc, I just want to thank you and tell you how your treatments have improved my life! The bold way that incorporate new scientific breakthroughs with traditional holistic has ...

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.

The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and exami...

I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.

I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"

Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."

I a...

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A woman is in the doctor's office...

She says, "Doctor, kiss me."

He replies "I'm sorry, you're beautiful, but I can't do that, it would be unprofessional, I could lose my practice."

A minute later, again she says "Doctor, please, please kiss me, you're so handsome, I'm so aroused and dying to be kissed by you."

He...

A man walks into a doctor's office and panicks..

Man: "Doctor, I'm shrinking!"
Doctor: "Well, sir you will have to learn to be a little patient."

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A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his gl...

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

I have a joke about the doctor's office...

But you're gonna have to wait a little longer.

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

Guy walks into the doctor's office...

A guy with green beans stuck in his ears goes to the doctor.

"Doc, ya gotta help me," he moans, "I feel terrible."

The doctor says, "Well I can tell just by looking at you, you're not eating right."

A man walks into a doctor's office ...

The doctor tells him "Pick a star sign, any star sign"

The man said "Capricorn"

The doctor replies "Nah you got cancer"

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

and says: "Doctor, I get an erection every time I look into a mirror."

The doctor takes a good looks at the man and responds:
"That's no wonder, Sir. You look like a proper cunt to me."

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded...

At the doctor's office

Dr: Sir I have unfortunate n...

Patient: IT'S MA'AM!!!

Dr: Ma'am you have testicular cancer.

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

A hypochondriac walks into a doctor's office...

No he doesnt

A doctor's receptionist is working away when she sees a nun running out of the doctor's office in floods of tears.

"whats up with her?" asked the receptionist.

"Oh, I told her she was pregnant", answered the doctor.

"Oh, no! That's terrible".

"Don't worry," said the doctor, "she's not, but it's cured her hiccups".

I took a urine sample at the doctor's office today.

I think my kleptomania is getting out of hand.

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A Jewish man and a Vietnamese man waiting in the doctor's office.

A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment and as the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.

Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say ...

A Man walks into a doctor's Office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
becau...

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

He drops his pants and bends over the table to show the doctor his asshole, which is red, inflamed, and about 15 inches wide.

"Good God, man!" cries the doctor. "What happened to you?"

"Well," the man explains. "I was on safari, and I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with a ...

Fat guy walks into a doctor's office

He says "doctor, I think I have obesity. My mom had obesity, my dad had it, and evan my uncle has obesity."

Doctor replies "sir, the problem isn't that obesity runs in your family."

"The problem is that nobody runs in your family"

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

"Very interesting," says the doctor. "Can you demonstrate for me?" So the guy lets out a very loud fart.

"I think I know what the problem is," says the doctor. He goes to his closet and gets a very long stick with a hook on the end.

"Hold it!" says the patient. "What are you going to d...

In a doctor's office

—Sir, I have two news for you.
—Doctor, please tell me the good one first.
—Which good one? :(

A man runs into a doctor's office screaming

A man runs into a doctor's office screaming:

Man: "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

Doctor: "Relax, sir. You're two tents."

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

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I got tetanus and tinnitus mixed up at my doctor's office the other day...

Now they say that hearing is a bit rusty.

Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.

"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.

"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.

Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood p...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.


Each...

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

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Guy walks into a doctor's office...

The doctor says, "In order to get the physical started I'm gonna need a urine sample, a stool sample, a semen sample, and a blood sample." The guy says, "Gee Doc, that sounds like it's gonna take a while. Can I just give you my snuggie instead?"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her...

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

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A man is walking home from the doctor's office in soviet Russia

He is stopped by a solider, who says "comrade, let me see your papers."

He begins looking but can't find them.

"Show me your papers now or I will assume you are an American spy." The soldier cocks his rifle.

Reaching into his inside pocket, he finds some papers, and throws th...

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

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At a Soviet-era doctor's office...

A man walks in and says: "Help, I've swallowed a pen!"

Doctor says: "No worries, you can have mine."

Next one comes in and says: "I can't take a piss anymore."

Doctor: "How old are you?"

Patient: "76"

Doctor: "That's around the time you'd run out of piss, yes."
...

A mother and her daughter went to the doctor's office...

The mother asked her doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her" the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped,"That's nonse...

I was at the Doctor's office

The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

I went to my blonde doctor to ask what was wrong with me

I sat in the blonde doctor's office and told her I was feeling tired and short of breath. She took out her stethoscope, placed it against my chest and listened for a moment.

"You have an iron deficiency.", she said

"You can tell that just from listening to my heartbeat?", I asked.
<...

A man is at a doctor's office

"Alright, this ones an antidepressant, this ones a painkiller, this one is anti infection, and take this one every day for the wound to heal faster. I also recommend taking this with the rest of them, it's easier that way."

"Doctor, do you have anything other than vodka?"

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I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems

The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.

The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks hi...

Nurse comes out of doctor's office

Nurse comes out of doctor's office and says:
"Due to new GDPR rules I'm not allowed to call you by names. The patient with syphilis, please come in."

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(NSFW) Guy walks into the Doctors Office and says....

"DDDDDoc, I've beeeeen stutttttttering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccccan yyyou helllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.

The guy says, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc...

In the doctor's office...

In the doctor's office, a guy says:

*Doc, I'm very sick! I have not slept for two days. As soon as I lie down, I just think about all of my problems.*

The doctor says:

*Well, you must be a bit stressed. To solve this is very simple, make your room your sanctuary, never bring you...

How's a doctor's office similar to a US school?

Kids can get their shots there, if someone is ill.

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

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