UPJOKE
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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

Why don't aliens visit us?

Because we only have 1 star in our solar system.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
.
.

We only have one star.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship

An alien is still alive and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.

As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist f...

What do you call an alien with no eyes?

Alan

(This works better verbally...)

Aliens don't want to meet us.

They've looked at the reviews…



only 1 star!

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

What do you give an Alien

Some Space

Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?

It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

A man and an alien are talking

At some point the conversation turns to religion.

The man asks: “have you heard of Jesus?”

The alien responds: “oh yeah, he comes by twice a year.”

The man, shocked says
“twice a year? We have been waiting over 2,000 years for him to return!”

“Well maybe he didn’t li...

Aliens arrive on earth

And all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn, and he asks them about Jesus.

P: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

A: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "that's weird, ...

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

What do you call an extremely clingy alien?

A personal space invader.

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Aliens are probably monitoring our media.

98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?

"Take me to your bleeder."

I got abducted by aliens...

I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.

It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

What do you call an alien you can't get rid of?

A Klingon

What was the court case between an immigrant and a priest called?

Alien v. Predator.

The young alien didn't understand why we call them "dad jokes" ...

Until one day it became apparent

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Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

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So there are reports of UFO sightings and alien abductions in North America right now

They're only abducting people with large penises. YOU guys don't have anything to worry about but I just wanted to say the spaceship is super cool on the inside.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket!

Two aliens land on Earth on a Dark Night

From beneath them they hear a deep and gravelly voice;

"I'm Batman."

how do you get probed by aliens

By mooning them.

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Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!

Aliens: UFO!

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

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Truck driver Mike and the alien

I'm from Germany, so I hope it doesn't get lost in translation.
Mike the truck driver is on the highway at night when the radio station he's listening to sends a special report about UFO's and aliens been spotted only a bit in front of him. "... they're about 4 feet tall with arms reaching...

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A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio...

Why were the aliens watching the cows?

They were on a steak-out.

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A student raising their hand during a crowded final exam of their master’s degree

“Yes. What is your question?”
The student reposes.
“ Sir, I would like confirmation of the current assignment. You have placed 80% of our grade onto a single true or false question?”

The teacher replies. “Yes, absolutely I have. There is nothing more to teach you. The only thing that I ...

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

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How does an alien orgasm?

It cums in peace.

What do you call an alien with three balls?

An extrateressticle

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

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There's a group of alien females abducting men with huge penises.

I don't think you're in any trouble though, I just wanted to tell you how cool this space ship is.

A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircrafts...

I think they're done by Cereal Killers.

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A little alien sits on the bus behind a couple

The alien leans forwards slightly and taps the woman on the shoulder. The guy stands up and turns around. "If you don't stop, I'll kick you in the balls!"

The alien laughs "We don't have that", and taps the woman's shoulders again.

"Stop that or I rip off your dick!"

Again the a...

An alien lands today...Nov. 4, 2020

Alien: Take me to your leader

Me: Your going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.

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What do you call an alien with 3 balls?

E.T the Extra testicle

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

What did the anti-immigration xenophobe say when he saw an alien saucer

'You! F. O.'

An alien landed on my farm and asked me to take them to your leader.

Can we wait a month? I asked for the sake of humanity.

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

I don't believe in aliens...

They lie too much.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

How do aliens harvest their crops?

With tractor beams.

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?

They're lactose intolerant

What did Galaga aliens and WW2 Navy officers have in common?

Both came in WAVES.

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, alwa...

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

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A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization

That’s fucking intelligent.

An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter. When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

"Gastronomical."

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

I've been going on a lot of dates with an alien, but I swear we're just friends.

It's a plutonic relationship

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The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

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Aliens are coming to take everyone with big dicks back to their home planet.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

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I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien masturbating...

Naturally I was shocked and asked what the hell was he doing? To which he replied "I cum in peas"

What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

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Two aliens land at a deserted gas station...

Two aliens land at a deserted gas station. They climb out of their space ship and all they can see is a gas pump.

The first alien looks right at the gas pump and says “Take me to your leader”.

Not surprisingly the gas pump says nothing.

The alien repeats “Take me to you lead...

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Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon

But they wouldn't let us land because the moon was full.

Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?

"Take me to your Lieder!"

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

An alien’s report to finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.

“They’re all dead but their assess are spotless, sir.”

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Does my alien girlfriend from area 51 have a Penis?

Something inside me says yes

What are the similarities between alien movies and school?

They are usually shot in America.

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

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