Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!

Aliens: UFO!

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

What do you call an Alien born in Australia?

An Australien

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A pair of aliens land in the desert near an old abandoned gas station.

Seeing nothing else around, they assume the gas pumps are the dominant life form and approach one to ask it questions. When the pump fails to respond, the aliens begin to grow frustrated, and one pulls out his weapon and threatens the pump.

"Respond now, or I shall blast you into atoms!"
<...

I don't believe in aliens...

They lie too much.

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Truck driver Mike and the alien

I'm from Germany, so I hope it doesn't get lost in translation.
Mike the truck driver is on the highway at night when the radio station he's listening to sends a special report about UFO's and aliens been spotted only a bit in front of him. "... they're about 4 feet tall with arms reaching...

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

How do aliens harvest their crops?

With tractor beams.

An Alien Doctor

It's year 5038, and humans are living together with various alien civilizations across the universe.

One day, a human mother and her human son visited an alien doctor. The son had a rare interstellar desease. The doctor performed a surgery on him.

After several hours, surgery came to e...

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

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Aliens

A ship with 2 martians on board departed Mars and set out for earth. The martians arrived to earth very late at night, and landed at a gas station. The 2 martians got off the ship, and began to ask the gas pump questions. “What’s your name” one Martian asked. No reply. “How old are you”... still no ...

Why couldn’t' the alien bug impregnate the mountain climber?

You can't cross a scaler with vector

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

What did the anti-immigration xenophobe say when he saw an alien saucer

'You! F. O.'

What did Galaga aliens and WW2 Navy officers have in common?

Both came in WAVES.

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A little alien sits on the bus behind a couple

The alien leans forwards slightly and taps the woman on the shoulder. The guy stands up and turns around. "If you don't stop, I'll kick you in the balls!"

The alien laughs "We don't have that", and taps the woman's shoulders again.

"Stop that or I rip off your dick!"

Again the a...

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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What do you call an alien with 3 balls?

E.T the Extra testicle

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

An alien lands today...Nov. 4, 2020

Alien: Take me to your leader

Me: Your going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.

Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?

They're lactose intolerant

Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon

But they wouldn't let us land because the moon was full.

An alien landed on my farm and asked me to take them to your leader.

Can we wait a month? I asked for the sake of humanity.

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

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A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization

That’s fucking intelligent.

What do aliens call an American who couldn't cross the road?

A flat earther.

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

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Aliens abducted a parrot, a monkey, and a blonde

Aliens abducted a parrot, a monkey, and a blonde. They got locked up in sealed, completely empty chambers with one tiny solid diamond window and a special force field to keep them alive. The aliens then gave each of them 3 titanium ball bearings, and left them for a week.

When they came back,...

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

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Have you heard about the invasion of alien women that only abduct people with big dicks?

Just wanted to let you know that you’re not in any danger. But this spaceship is fucking awesome.

What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

How do you get an alien baby to sleep?

You rocket

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

I've been going on a lot of dates with an alien, but I swear we're just friends.

It's a plutonic relationship

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The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

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Aliens are coming to take everyone with big dicks back to their home planet.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

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Aliens visited the earth one day

They only want peace and help human technology advance and started to beam all world leaders into their ship. Almost all countries' leaders are inside the ship except for the Vatican, where the Pope is still speaking with the public.

After the speech, the aliens hovered above and beamed the P...

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter. When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

"Gastronomical."

What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?

"Take me to your Lieder!"

Why did aliens give Earth a one-star review?

It's literally nothing but third-world countries.

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I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien masturbating...

Naturally I was shocked and asked what the hell was he doing? To which he replied "I cum in peas"

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A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your balls off!" Alien responds "I don't have any balls". The waiter says "Then how do yo...

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Two aliens land at a deserted gas station...

Two aliens land at a deserted gas station. They climb out of their space ship and all they can see is a gas pump.

The first alien looks right at the gas pump and says “Take me to your leader”.

Not surprisingly the gas pump says nothing.

The alien repeats “Take me to you lead...

What do you call it when a alien bust a nut

A starburst

My friend was telling me about Xenomorphs and Facehuggers....

It's all Alien to me.

The Vatican decides to storm Area 51...

Alien V.S. Predator

The aliens sent down a robot to earth.

The aliens claimed that this robot can catch thieves very fast!

They united nations sent the robot to Canada and in just a few seconds, the robot caught all the thieves in Canada.

Amazed, the united nations sent the robot to America.

The it the robot a bit longer but after 15 mi...

Does anyone have any good jokes about aliens?

There must be some out there somewhere.

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

Yesterday I was talking to an alien from space..

Turns out they eat radio active materials. I ask it what its favorite meal was.

It told me, fission chips.

An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar

S p a c e b a r

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

Aliens: "We've come to destroy the Earth."

Greta: "It's a bit late, right?"

What do you call aliens who are very loud and over the top?

The EXTRA-terrestrials.

How do aliens make babies?

They have SpaceX

Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them.

They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

Like humans look for intelligent civilizations in the universe

There must be an ultra intelligent alien civilization, looking for intelligent life. Maybe they have already found us but not contacted because they were looking for intelligent life.

What are the similarities between alien movies and school?

They are usually shot in America.

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What did the alien with a vegetable fetish say?

I cum in peas

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, alwa...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

A man is showing an alien around earth

"Let's go to a pub", says the man.

They go in. The Alien walks up to the bartender and orders a pint. The bartender sets the pint down and the alien hands him 3 milk bottle tops.

"uh sorry we don't accept th-"

The man interrupts the bartender and explains the situation.

...

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop.

He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks"

Why did the alien came out of the closet?

Because the truth is out there.

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

An alien’s report to finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.

“They’re all dead but their assess are spotless, sir.”

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. Learned English and wanted to go home.

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Does my alien girlfriend from area 51 have a Penis?

Something inside me says yes

Alien 1:- "How did all the earthlings die?"

Alien 2:- "They used so much toilet paper that they wiped themselves off."

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

If aliens really landed in America

"Take me to your leader"

"... you sure?"

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