A young Catholic couple about to get married…

Died in a fiery car crash. They were met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter. They told him how deeply in love they were, and asked if it was possible to get married in heaven.

St. Peter told them he wasn’t sure but would find out and get back to them.

Three months later St. Peter sh...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with ...

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were walking in the woods...

They didnt like each other so much and were arguing the entire time until they found a magic frog.

The frog was surprised. \`No one ever found me before\` said the frog. \`As is, I now have to grant you three wishes each\`

Both the bear and the rabbit were delighted, and quickly stoppe...

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says “I think it’s raining.” “No, it is definitely snowing.” Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says “let’s not bicker, let’s ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially sn...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

A man gives helicopter rides at the yearly state fair for twenty dollars.

One year, a couple comes up to the ride and bickers with each other about spending the twenty dollars for the ride. The conversation ends with the husband saying, "You know...twenty dollars is twenty dollars" and they walk away.

This goes on for years, same bickering, always ending with husb...

One day, a husband and wife came to a street corner where Officer Ed was directing traffic. 'Good morning, Officer Ed ,' said the husband. 'Shut up!' he replied.

Officer Ed was known to be quite rude. But the wife didn't let him sour her day. 'My, it's a beautiful day,' she said.

'It's going to rain, stupid!' said Officer Ed.
She replied, 'But there's not a cloud in the sky.'

'Read my lips, lady,' said Officer Ed. 'It's going to rain.'
<...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

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So 4 Nuns die and go to the heaven...

They are met by the god himself at the pearly gates...



Looking at them the god says, "you have spent your entire life doing my work and spreading my message and therefore you may enter the gates of heaven, but before you do that, you must tell me right now if you have ever committed a...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Three men are looking for somewhere to have a drink.

There are three beverage stands. The lemonade stand, the iced tea stand, and the fruit punch stand. As it’s a hot summer day, the men agree to quench their thirst and decide which stand to go to.

The first man says to the other two, “Because I’m thirsty and behind on my citrus intake, I’ll be...

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Three horses are arguing in a stable

Each one is convinced they are a better racer than the other two. Thus, the three bicker and brag and talk over one another.

"Now see here, see here!" Says the first horse. "I have been racing for four years, and every summer of those ten years I have come in first every race I ran!"

"...

God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were ...

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You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

The Outdoor Toilet

A young man wanted to invite his girlfriend to their farm but was embarrassed by the old-fashioned outdoor toilet.

He kept bickering his dad for a modern, indoor one, but the old-timer didn't want to give in.

Out of sheer desperation, he slips out one night, puts a lot of dynamite be...

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Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...

A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the ...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

A Priest, A Minister, and a Rabbi are out playing golf...

A Priest, A Minister, and a Rabbi are out playing Golf and they come across a bag full of money. They all agree that, clearly this is a gift from God and that they should keep some and give some away but they can't agree on how to decide how much of each.

The Priest says, "Alright, how about ...

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A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian were in a bathroom together

They all finish their business and happen to be at the sinks at the same time. The Russian, noticing the two other men at the sink, says to them,

"In Russia, we were taught to be very conservative with our resources and therefore only use the amount of soap that is absolutely necessary."
...

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts a...

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A group of train drivers go on strike.

This is authorised industrial action from there union, as the company were making cutbacks to the safety equipment. However a lot of them have nothing to do, so decide that there should a be a party somewhere. This issue is no one can decide where.

Eventually, the union rep stands up and says...

John and Mary are having in an argument.

John and Mary are in the middle of an argument as to whether or not it'll rain later that day. Two hours of bickering and John suggests they go ask their Russian neighbour, Rudolf.
Rudolf listens to their story and replies that it'll definitely rain by 6 pm that evening. Lo and behold! Dot at 6,...

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An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...

Two Mohels and a Vicar are playing cards

So, two mohels and a vicar are playing a game of cards. And somewhere along the way, they get into an argument -- as they always did -- about who among the three should host dinner that night. You see, they're all very passionate dinner hosts.

One of the mohels says "You should come to my ho...

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A man walks into a restaurant

A man walks into a restaurant at lunchtime and is accosted by three women by the door - one Chinese, one Japanese and one Korean.

"Hey guy! Try the barbecue pork fried rice! Number one dish!" proclaims the Chinese woman.

"No no, you want the unagi udon! Best taste!" yells the Japanes...

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A husband and wife save thousands of dollars for their dream golfing trip abroad...

A man and his wife and save thousands of dollars, pack their bags and go on their dream golfing trip abroad.

The golf course is a thing of beauty, perfect greens, giant sculptures, huge sparkling blue lakes, the finest sand pits, and amazing views. The rich of the world all have mansions and ...

What do you call two baskets that argue all the time?

Bicker Baskets

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A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq...

After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking.

"That's friendly of him." The first says.

"Yeah, normally marines are assho...

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informant...

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,

"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe...

There was a very strict order of months who lived by a rules that permitted speaking only once on one day a year, one monk per year.

When the day came around, the monks whose turn it was stood up and said, "I don't like the mash potatoes here, they're too lumpy." And he sat down. A year later, another monk stood up and said, " I rather like the mash potatoes here, they're very tasty." Another year went by it was a third month tur...

Wisdom of the Ancients

Two girls Have reached the ripe age of 18 in the small Russian Jewish town, but there's no groom in sight. The town's rabbi sends a letter to nearest Yeshiva to send proper grooms. Yossl and Yitzi are picked for the task and are sent on a train, to meet the prospective brides. Halfway there, Yitzi t...

Two friends are going to film their own version of Revenge of the Sith.

They both have a really strong bond, so they decide that it'd be best if one played Anakin and one played Obi-Wan, the only problem was that they couldn't figure out who would play whom.

After a long bout of reasoning, bickering, and contemplating neither of them could come up with a reason w...

Old couple at the carnival

An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride. He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars". Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dolla...

Three Brothers

My friend Mike and his two brothers Luke and Bill aren't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer. Just yesterday afternoon they found themselves stuck at Walmart because they locked the damn keys in the truck. Of course Mike and Luke spent the better part of an hour bickering over whether they s...

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