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Offended Jokes

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

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I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

Why do blind people get so offended by every joke?

It's all dark humour.

My British friend gets offended when I call him British

Apparently, there is nothing ish about him. Says he is 100% Brit.

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A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

How many people will be offended if you tell a Mexican joke?

At least Juan...

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

What did the mathematician say that offended the non binary person

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Why are there so many people who are offended by the stuff that Hank Hill does?

Because he sells profane accessories.

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

My girlfriend was very offended when some bullies called her an airhead...

So I deflated her and put her back in the box until she gets over it.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

Why doesn't anybody get offended by Irish jokes?

Because they are ALL TRUE!

My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing

I told my friend to get Lost, and he seemed quite offended.

But I thought it was a pretty good series.

Would you be offended if I said...

Would you be offended if I said that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?

...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

Told this guy that I hated his autobiography. He got very very offended.

I said, 'Look, it's nothing personal.'

My neighbor got offended that I used the word “puke”

But to me that’s what her cooking tasted like.

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until... "Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride. "It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all twisted!"

"That's what they look like!" he replies.

"Have you ever SEEN another man's junk?" the bride demands.

"Well, no - but I'm normal! This is what they look like!"

"No they don't!" sh...

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A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

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A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its becaus...

Easily offended people are literally like snowflakes.

Alone, they are harmless. Together, however, they ruin everything good and bad in their way.

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A priest takes the bus

After a while, a drunkard sits next to him. The drunkard pulls out a newspaper, starts to read and turns to the priest.


Drunkard: "Excuse me father. What's spondylosis ?"

Priest: "Spondylosis is a disease caused by a messy lifestyle, the company of women with a questionable past, c...

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

Being offended by a joke is like

Paying tax on comedy,..

I offended a girl at Ethnicity Club.

Apparently she didn't like my tone.

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

Edit: Wow. So to all you humorless twats getting offended over a joke, I heard this while visiting my grandmother in the hospital. The Jewish woman (who was probably a little senile) that shared a room with her told me th...

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

People get offended when I tell Mac jokes.

Probably because they're never PC.

The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes

the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

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