To all of you wondering if there is a cure for arthritis....

I think I've cracked it.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

A priest is riding on a city bus when...

A priest is riding on a city bus when a drunk gets on and sits next to him. He obviously hasn't had a bath while on this binge. The drunk starts reading a newspaper, then puts it down and says, " Hey, Father, what do you think causes arthritis?". The priest is quite annoyed with this guy, and sharp...

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

Where did Axl Rose get arthritis?

In his Sha-na-na-na-na knees knees

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Arthritis Thumbs

*This is a story a co-worker told me.*

A man walks into a diner, he orders Roast Beef with mashed potatoes and gravy.

*The worker there walks out with his thumb in the mashed potatoes.*



Customer: Why's your thumb in the Gravy?

Worker: Oh, I'm sorry, would you like...

Met a lovely woman at my arthritis support group last night.

We clicked together.

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

It's pretty strange, doctors are now prescribing cannabis for arthritis sufferers...

I mean, the definition of arthritis is "inflammation of the joints"

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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Did you hear that arthritis can make you gay?

Well it made _me_ gay.

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What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

A man with arthritis goes to his drug dealer.

He says "Man, I need a few new joints."

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

My dad with arthritis was arrested for falling down while on a jog.

Apparently you can't roll joints in public spaces yet.

What do you call two people with arthritis?

Joint sufferers

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the m...

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Me: Ugh, here comes Ron. He’s always talking about his arthritis.

**Ron:** What’s crackin?

**Me:** Jesus Christ Ron, shut the fuck up!

What do you call a potter who has arthritis?

Clay Aiken

My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

I hope I don't get rheumatoid arthritis..

Fingers crossed.

What did the tumblr user do when she got arthritis?

Massage a knee.

What did the joints say to the arthritis pain?

Uh-Leave!

I made this up when I was a little kid and naturally thought I was a comedic genius for many unfortunate years to come.

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Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

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A 70 year old couple had been dating for a couple of months... Long NSFW

After a night of dinner and a movie they went back to the lady’s house and things started escalating from there. As they were making out and getting friskier by the moment the lady said to the man that it’d been a very long time since a man has pleasured her orally. Wanting to please her the man mad...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman

The mute friend points to his head.

His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."

Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.

His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."

Then, the mute friend opens his hand wide in front ...

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Arthritis

I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home.

He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, w...

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An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday

He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.

A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.

“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis” says the wife.

...

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

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Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.

They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles and says ...

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There’s an old couple that start dating at 70

After about a month of dating, they decide to get a little freaky.

So they start doing things and the woman says to the man, “you know, it’s been a long time since someone has gone... down there”.

So the man obliges and makes his way down there and after only a short bit he says, “ I...

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An old man was feeling horny, but the nursing home he was in never allowed any of the residents to be left alone with one another...

One day the nursing home manager announced that all the residents would be going out on a day trip and all but a couple of the nurses and staff would be going too. This was his chance!

The old man had his eye on a particular lady resident and he took her to one side and told her that if she ...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Irishman looks over to the bar and sees, who he thinks, is Jesus.

The Irishman gets the attention of the other two.
"Look, lads. It's Jesus!"

Skeptical, the two guys laughingly ask him to go go and ask the man at the bar if he is, in fact, Jesus.

Brazenly, the Irishman ...

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Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," The woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" He exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass."

Three old ladies

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by.

The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke.

But, the third old lady had arthritis and co...

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

The trailer for Rambo 5 is out..

What's he fighting now? Arthritis?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor

.. and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied,

'Arthritis.'

I feel it in my fingers... I feel it in my toes...

The harsh pain of rheumatoid arthritis

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An Irish man,a British man and a Scotish man

An Irish man,an English man and a Scotish man were walking in the forest when they pass a clearing with a lake .
At the lake there's a man walking on water the three men are surprised the British man asked "are you Jesus"
To which the man replied yes
The Scottish man then said" if you are J...

An old man...

An old man hobbles into an ice cream parlor. After he takes a minute to catch his breath, he orders an ice cream sunday.

"Crushed nuts, sir?"

"No, Arthritis"

Chowder

A lady at a restaurant ordered some clam chowder. When the waiter brought it out, he was holding the bowl with his thumb in the soup. The lady said ahhhhhh you had your thumb in my chowder. The waiter says yeah I got arthritis and the warmth helps it feel better, so she says why don't you just shove...

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An American, Irishman and an Australian are at a bar.

When Jesus walks in and sits at the end of the bar. The American walks over to Jesus and asks
"Is it true you're Jesus?"
"Yes my son" says Jesus.
The American buys him a Budweiser and Jesus taps him on the arm "Thank you my son you are now cured of your arthritis".
As the man walks back ...

King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone.

King Arthritis on the other hand...

It's actually really hard to write jokes,

When you have arthritis.

Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.

"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"

"Oh yea, how she doing?"

"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.

"Oh, she got breast enlargemen...

A old man walks into a McDonalds

He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

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An elderly couple

An elderly couple (who lived in old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When th...

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A White guy, a Black guy and a Mexican are out in a boat fishing

when a big storm blows up and threatens to sink them.

The men begin praying, and the storm disappears.&nbsp; They look up and see Jesus walking towards them across the water.&nbsp; Jesus says to the men, "Because of your faith, I will heal each of you."

Jesus turns to the White...

Things always have a way of going badly for me.

I tried to use pins on a voodoo doll that looks like my mother in law and I ended up curing her arthritis with acupuncture.

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An old couple were having sex

While in the 69 position, the guy says:
- I can't do it for much longer because of the smell
-Sorry dear, I know, its due to the arthritis
-Arthritis in the vagina? Never thought that could be possible.
-No, its in my shoulder and I can't wipe properly.

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George and Betty get frisky!!

Two old people sitting in the retirement home.
(George and Betty).

They are sitting staring out of the large bay window, looking out on to the beautiful garden.

Betty: Penny for your thoughts George?

George: ach sorry Betty, I was just thinking about my youth and all the thi...

Apparently Sly Stallone is in talks to make Rocky 8.

In this one he’ll fight Arthritis.

Stop laughing, we are all SENIORS !!!!

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

---

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but ...

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An old widow was searching for love

...when she decided to move her search online. There, she found an old man about her age, who had also lost his spouse years earlier. They exchanged a few messages and decided to meet one day in a park. Upon meeting, they both realized that they were extremely compatible and started talking about ta...

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More 83 YO dad funnies.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a new...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

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