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Arthritis Jokes

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

It's pretty strange, doctors are now prescribing cannabis for arthritis sufferers...

I mean, the definition of arthritis is "inflammation of the joints"

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to...

Where did Axl Rose get arthritis?

In his Sha-na-na-na-na knees knees

Did you hear Snoop Dogg got Rheumatoid Arthritis?

His joints were inflamed

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

A priest is riding on a city bus when...

A priest is riding on a city bus when a drunk gets on and sits next to him. He obviously hasn't had a bath while on this binge. The drunk starts reading a newspaper, then puts it down and says, " Hey, Father, what do you think causes arthritis?". The priest is quite annoyed with this guy, and sharp...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

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Two pensioners are engaging in oral sex.

Old Man: "I can't stay down here for too long, It stinks."

Old Lady: "Sorry, it's my arthritis."

Old Man: "Arthritis in your vagina?"

Old Lady: "No the arthritis is in my shoulder, I can't wipe my ass!"

Met a lovely woman at my arthritis support group last night.

We clicked together.

Two doctors are walking down the street...

Two doctors are walking down the street, when they see a man walking toward them with a strange limp. After a short diagnostic discussion, one of them stops the man to say:

"My friend and I are trying to guess your medical condition. I think it's lumbago, but my partner says it's probably art...

What did the joints say to the arthritis pain?

Uh-Leave!

I made this up when I was a little kid and naturally thought I was a comedic genius for many unfortunate years to come.

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

My dad with arthritis was arrested for falling down while on a jog.

Apparently you can't roll joints in public spaces yet.

I hope I don't get rheumatoid arthritis..

Fingers crossed.

My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

What did the tumblr user do when she got arthritis?

Massage a knee.

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...

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A 70 year old couple had been dating for a couple of months... Long NSFW

After a night of dinner and a movie they went back to the lady’s house and things started escalating from there. As they were making out and getting friskier by the moment the lady said to the man that it’d been a very long time since a man has pleasured her orally. Wanting to please her the man mad...

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman

The mute friend points to his head.

His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."

Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.

His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."

Then, the mute friend opens his hand wide in front ...

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Arthritis

I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home.

He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, w...

I think after 9 years of dating and jokes, I've worn down all my girlfriend's funny bones.

She's got that funny arthritis now.

A man with arthritis goes to his drug dealer.

He says "Man, I need a few new joints."

What do you call a potter who has arthritis?

Clay Aiken

This year for Halloween, I'm going to use my arthritis to really help bring my zombie costume to life

Paaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsss

An old man shuffled into a dairy bar

He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No, arthritis.”

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There’s an old couple that start dating at 70

After about a month of dating, they decide to get a little freaky.

So they start doing things and the woman says to the man, “you know, it’s been a long time since someone has gone... down there”.

So the man obliges and makes his way down there and after only a short bit he says, “ I...

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Actually happened to me.

Sitting in class Monday going over American Sign Language the instructor is explaining the hand position to a fellow student who is blind(er than I am), my hands starts cramping, as I shake it out I can’t stop laughing.

Professor “What is so funny?”

Mr “Do deaf people with arthritis ha...

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone.

King Arthritis on the other hand...

Three old ladies

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by.

The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke.

But, the third old lady had arthritis and co...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday

He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.

A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.

“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis” says the wife.

“...

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An old man was feeling horny, but the nursing home he was in never allowed any of the residents to be left alone with one another...

One day the nursing home manager announced that all the residents would be going out on a day trip and all but a couple of the nurses and staff would be going too. This was his chance!

The old man had his eye on a particular lady resident and he took her to one side and told her that if she ...

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An American, Irishman and an Australian are at a bar.

When Jesus walks in and sits at the end of the bar. The American walks over to Jesus and asks
"Is it true you're Jesus?"
"Yes my son" says Jesus.
The American buys him a Budweiser and Jesus taps him on the arm "Thank you my son you are now cured of your arthritis".
As the man walks back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

The trailer for Rambo 5 is out..

What's he fighting now? Arthritis?

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

It's actually really hard to write jokes,

When you have arthritis.

Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.

"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"

"Oh yea, how she doing?"

"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.

"Oh, she got breast enlargemen...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

I feel it in my fingers... I feel it in my toes...

The harsh pain of rheumatoid arthritis

A old man walks into a McDonalds

He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

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Two old friends see each other in town

“Fred? Is that you?” Dave exclaims. “I haven’t seen you in years! How are you?”

They have a conversation and soon Fred brings up another friend they haven’t seen in a while.

“I saw Jane the other day,” Fred says.

“Who’s Jane?” Dave asks.

“You know, Plain Jane. Small, thin...

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

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An Irish man,a British man and a Scotish man

An Irish man,an English man and a Scotish man were walking in the forest when they pass a clearing with a lake .
At the lake there's a man walking on water the three men are surprised the British man asked "are you Jesus"
To which the man replied yes
The Scottish man then said" if you are J...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

Chowder

A lady at a restaurant ordered some clam chowder. When the waiter brought it out, he was holding the bowl with his thumb in the soup. The lady said ahhhhhh you had your thumb in my chowder. The waiter says yeah I got arthritis and the warmth helps it feel better, so she says why don't you just shove...

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the m...

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A White guy, a Black guy and a Mexican are out in a boat fishing

when a big storm blows up and threatens to sink them.

The men begin praying, and the storm disappears.  They look up and see Jesus walking towards them across the water.  Jesus says to the men, "Because of your faith, I will heal each of you."

Jesus turns to the White...

Stop laughing, we are all SENIORS !!!!

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

---

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old widow was searching for love

...when she decided to move her search online. There, she found an old man about her age, who had also lost his spouse years earlier. They exchanged a few messages and decided to meet one day in a park. Upon meeting, they both realized that they were extremely compatible and started talking about ta...

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

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