This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

On my third day of alcohol detox and finally found the trick for withdrawals

I find a beer or 6 really takes the edge off

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbi was an avid golfer

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, a...

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am not impressed!

Just been to an atm which said free cash withdrawals absolutely pissed off they removed a £100 from my account

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

Placebos

Turns out I'm addicted to placebos. I thought I could quit any time, but then withdrawal made me psychosomatic and gave me hypochondria.

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Sex is like banking

First you make a deposit.
Then you make a withdrawal.
Then you lose interest.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and an octopus?

A visit from the ehtics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funds.

One of my friends is addicted to money..

And since he's out of cash, he's going through withdrawal..

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?

A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding...

Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

Donald trump invite's kim jong un and a Trump supporter to go golfing

Donald Trump invite's kim Jong Un and a Trump supporter to go golfing.
Donald Trump invited kim Jong Un to go golfing to discuss the politital situation between their countrys and also a Trump supporter to give his opinion on things. Donald Trump hit his golf ball and it smashs straght through so...

I am addicted to having money in the bank...

...I really do suffer from withdrawals. First I get the Bens, then my blood-pressure goes up by a quarter and if it's really bad I start having FDI-seizures

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

A strongly worded reprimand from the university's board of regents, and an immediate withdrawal of your funding.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse is in a bank making a withdrawal after her night-shift. She grabs the pen to sign her name, but it (inevitably) doesn't work, so she hunts in her handbag. She pulls out a thermometer saying, "Shit, some asshole's got my pen."

Ba-dum

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A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why IRS hasn't taxed the only thing it left out - penis!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but th...

Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad.

Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn’t know Russia had Subway.

In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes,...