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Withdrawal Jokes

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

What do you get if you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

What do ATMs and rehab patients have in common?

Withdrawals.

What's the hardest part of being addicted to money?

The withdrawals.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffured from terrible withdrawals

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

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What is the similarity between a bank and sex?

In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

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A recent college graduate decided to turn to prostitution

Due to his huge student loans and low salary, so he placed a large sign that read:

One sexy time on the floor: 25$

One sexy time on the couch: 50$

One sexy time on the Bed: 100$

Then an old lady sees the sign and quickly runs to the bank makes a quick withdrawal and goes ...

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

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Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method?

It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money

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A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal. The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it . The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

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The similarity between banks and sex ...

Either way you are getting fucked and early withdrawal is always penalized.

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Sex is like banking

First you make a deposit.
Then you make a withdrawal.
Then you lose interest.

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I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me.

Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.

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A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

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The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity.

Context:
Yom Kippur is the holiest Jewish holiday during which you’re supposed to deprivate yourself from food, drinking and anything that brings you joy and during which you’re also supposed to pray the whole day.

Joke:
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He ...

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

Placebos

Turns out I'm addicted to placebos. I thought I could quit any time, but then withdrawal made me psychosomatic and gave me hypochondria.

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

A Man walks into a Bank

He's sweating profusely and looks exhausted

He gets in line and after several minutes is even worse for wear. Sweating, Twitching and Scratching

He finally gets up to the teller and begins talking in a broken, mumbling voice.

The branch manager walks over to check on him and ask...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

One of my friends is addicted to money..

And since he's out of cash, he's going through withdrawal..

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse is in a bank making a withdrawal after her night-shift. She grabs the pen to sign her name, but it (inevitably) doesn't work, so she hunts in her handbag. She pulls out a thermometer saying, "Shit, some asshole's got my pen."

Ba-dum

I am addicted to having money in the bank...

...I really do suffer from withdrawals. First I get the Bens, then my blood-pressure goes up by a quarter and if it's really bad I start having FDI-seizures

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[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

John dies and has a choice to make

John dies. At the entrance to heaven, St Peter says," You were not such a bad person, but not such a good one either. We are gonna let you choose where to stay for eternity. First, let me show you around heaven."

John is shown the fluffy clouds, the white sand beaches, the beautiful homes, a...

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