This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method?

It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me.

Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.

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[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

What do you get if you cross an alligator with a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

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The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity.

Context:
Yom Kippur is the holiest Jewish holiday during which you’re supposed to deprivate yourself from food, drinking and anything that brings you joy and during which you’re also supposed to pray the whole day.

Joke:
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He ...

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A drunk man walks up to the bartender

A drunk man walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him, “No way man. You’re already hammered and your tab comes out at over $200.”

The man responds, “Please I’ll do anything. I’m having really bad withdrawals I just need a beer or two.”

“Really? Any...

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A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal. The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it . The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

Did you hear the local ATM was having issues?

It was having withdrawal symptoms.

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

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A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

A Man walks into a Bank

He's sweating profusely and looks exhausted

He gets in line and after several minutes is even worse for wear. Sweating, Twitching and Scratching

He finally gets up to the teller and begins talking in a broken, mumbling voice.

The branch manager walks over to check on him and ask...

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Sex is like banking

First you make a deposit.
Then you make a withdrawal.
Then you lose interest.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

Placebos

Turns out I'm addicted to placebos. I thought I could quit any time, but then withdrawal made me psychosomatic and gave me hypochondria.

One of my friends is addicted to money..

And since he's out of cash, he's going through withdrawal..

Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

I am addicted to having money in the bank...

...I really do suffer from withdrawals. First I get the Bens, then my blood-pressure goes up by a quarter and if it's really bad I start having FDI-seizures

Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad.

Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn’t know Russia had Subway.

In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes,...

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse is in a bank making a withdrawal after her night-shift. She grabs the pen to sign her name, but it (inevitably) doesn't work, so she hunts in her handbag. She pulls out a thermometer saying, "Shit, some asshole's got my pen."

Ba-dum

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A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

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Why IRS hasn't taxed the only thing it left out - penis!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but th...

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