UPJOKE
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Negotiated Jokes

I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted!

I didn't really want to work there anyway.

Drunk

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ''Are you sure this is your house?'' the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. '

“Shertainly,'' said the drunk, ''an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you.''

The cop obliges by opening the door....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

Divorce

I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.

The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly ...

I'd name my band "The Same Joke Every 24 Hours"

People will talk about my band with the following:

"Do you like listening to The Same Joke Every 24 Hours?"

"She just broke-up with her boyfriend, so she's listening to The Same Joke Every 24 Hours again"

"In a drastic move the police department has negotiated the end of the hos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to get her two favorite actors tattooed on her legs.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and explains to the artist that her two favorite actors from her youth are Paul Newman and Robert Redford, and she'd like to get their faces tattooed on each one of her thighs. After a price is negotiated, she gets in the chair and the tattoo artist goes to work. A...

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