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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

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The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they wo...

Why do we do shorten emergency brake to e-brake, but we don't shorten parking brake to p-brake?

Because it's really inconvenient to have a p-brake while you're driving.

Whenever you drink a beer you shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes

I've done the calculations. I died in 1623.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Did you hear why David Hasselhoff shortened his name to just Hoff?

Because he couldn't handle the hassle...

It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is "Chuck".

I mean, what the Farles is that about?

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

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(NSFW) A man looks to shorten his "size"

There once was a man whose penis was 25 inches in size. He was unable to have sex and searched for a cure.

He hears from a friend about a woman who can shorten penis size with her magic. He was skeptical and reluctant, but eventually he travels to the woman's home.

Once he gets there ...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

What do you do when you'r wife is screaming at you in the living room

Shorten the chain from the kitchen

Why do Australians call each other mates?

They got tired of saying "inmates".

The British wardens got tired of saying "Go die, inmate" and it got shortened to "G'day mate".

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Three men...

Once there were three men who walked into an empty clearing in the middle of a huge forest, uncomparable by any means to that of any cluster of trees. However, this clearing had a peculiar item lodged in the ground near the center, a shiny golden lamp. The first of the three men slowly worked on dis...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

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How do pants fit on a man with 5 penises?

Like a glove


>-Gilbert Gottfried (shortened)

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A man goes to a doctor

"D d doctor I ha have this terrible s s stuttering. C can you h h help me?"

The doctor immediately has an idea of what might cause the stuttering and asks the man to take off his pants and underwear.

The man does as the doctor told him to and reveals his huge penis which reaches almos...

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Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I c...

Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind ...

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A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that his penis is way too long, 50cm to be exact, and it's not working out for him and he needs to have it shortened.

The doctor tells him that there's nothing medicine can do for him but there is something else that may work. He tells him that there's a...

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An honest mistake.

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I'...

A man is in line at Office Depot

A man is in line at Office Depot, he’s in the middle of the line.

Two people behind him say to him: “were late to our abortion protest.” The man said back saying: “Yeah, were all gonna be late to something.”

The two say again to the man: “Were late to our abortion protest.” The man the...

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor because his voice is too deep. Uncomfortably deep. People have problems understanding him over the phone and it interferes with his social life.

He says to the doctor, "DOC, YOU GOTTA HELP ME. WHAT'S CAUSING MY VOICE TO BE LIKE THIS?"

After an examination, th...

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request s...

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A man goes to the doctor to cure his squeaky voice.

A man has had a squeaky voice his entire life and everyone clowns his for it all the time. The man has never even had a girlfriend. One day he goes to a doctor to try to get a cure. The doctor does a full lab work up and physical and gives the man a follow up appointment. The man returns for the fol...

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Stuttering Salesman

A salesman goes to the doctor to see if he can fix his stutter. "D-d-doctor," he says, "I h-have a p-p-p-problem. I have th-this st-stutter, and it's m-making it h-h-h-h-hard for me t-to sell s-stuff."

"Let's take a look at you. Get undressed," the doctor replies. The salesman undresses, and ...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

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Man with big problem.

Joe was a good looking, successful lawyer. He had a nice house, a fast car, and loads of money. He also had a big problem - his penis was 50 inches long. Joe was charming enough to bring a lady home but they would always run away at the sight of his enormous manhood. So Joe began looking for surgery...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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Don't masturbate with Crisco.

It's shortening.

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

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A guy with a 40-inch dick...(from my middle school years)

A guy with a 40-inch dick goes to a surgeon's cabinet to get his dick shortened, as he can't get laid because it scares women off.
The surgeon accepts to perform the surgery, but he charges a lot because it's unusual.

The man's broke, so he tries something else. He goes to see a voodoo wit...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

Twins

A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn't think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter b...

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A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure...

"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to Help m m m me, I'll dddo anyt t t t thing.

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....

"your penis is massive, it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutte...

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Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"

His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"

Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the...

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, "How was it?"

In my case, that question is shortened to one word.

So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico.

And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump. So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild. But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his j...

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A little boy was eating a bag of candy...

A little boy was eating a bag of candy when a lady approached him and said, "you know, that candy will rot your teeth and shorten your life", to which the boy replied, "I dunno, my uncle lived to be 107 years old". "Oh", said the lady, "and your uncle ate alot of candy I suppose"? "No", said the bo...

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The magic frog

There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who ...

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A man goes to the doctor to see if there is any thing he can do to make his penis larger...

...and after a thorough examination the doctor says that there's nothing medical science can do for him, however there's an old country remedy that he could try. "Just rub lard on it every day and in a couple of weeks you should see some result." Two weeks go by and the man go back to the doctor. "S...

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Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

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A man has a really bad lisp...

...so he goes to the doctor to figure out the cause. The doctor tells him, "Well, sir, the reason you have such a pronounced lisp is that your penis is abnormally long. I can do surgery on it and remove three inches, and that should take care of your lisp."

The man says, "Gee doctor, I thure ...

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