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Shorten Jokes

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

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Why can't you shorten LGBTQIA+ to just L+?

Because that would just be premium gay

I never quite understood why the shortened version of ‘Charles’ is ‘Chuck’.

What the farles is that about?

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

I think the men who shorten their name to 'Pat'.....

.....are missing a trick.

With the coronation of King Charles, there was discussion about orthographic modernization--shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour" but the UK government responded

Never gonna give "u" up

i was trying to shorten a pair of trousers, and now I've lost them.

Im sure they'll turn up eventually.

Why do we do shorten emergency brake to e-brake, but we don't shorten parking brake to p-brake?

Because it's really inconvenient to have a p-brake while you're driving.

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

I shortened the rope on the bucket ....

.......used to collect the villages water...

That didn't go down well....

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The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they wo...

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(NSFW) A man looks to shorten his "size"

There once was a man whose penis was 25 inches in size. He was unable to have sex and searched for a cure.

He hears from a friend about a woman who can shorten penis size with her magic. He was skeptical and reluctant, but eventually he travels to the woman's home.

Once he gets there ...

Whenever you drink a beer you shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes

I've done the calculations. I died in 1623.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

The longest joke in the world (Shortened)

So this guy is driving in the desert when his car breaks down. He gets out and began looking for help. He can't find any and passes out of heat stroke. But he survives and a snake stared him right in the eyes. 'AHHHHH!!!' He screamed. 'Hello' said the snake 'My name is Nate and I am a magical snake'...

I wrote a book and titled it "Julius, quick grab the girl before she gets away"

My editor decided to shorten it to "Julius Seize her!"

Did you hear why David Hasselhoff shortened his name to just Hoff?

Because he couldn't handle the hassle...

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

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A guy with a 25 inch penis goes to a witch doctor

He asks, is there anything you can do to shorten it Women won’t have sex with me. It’s too big.she said no but if you go in the forest there’s a pond with a magical frog that grants the wish you’re thinking of every time he says the word no, so you ask him to marry him to guarantee the correct respo...

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

Please take my advice and never use Crisco for lubrication…

It’s shortening. Found out the hard way.

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

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Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things.

Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense. I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"

Edna: "If you ask him nicely."

There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

Skinny Dipping Boys Checking the Other's Manhood

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did you get it so big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made...

My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother

She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern

Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

What do you do when you'r wife is screaming at you in the living room

Shorten the chain from the kitchen

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

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Stuttering Salesman

A salesman goes to the doctor to see if he can fix his stutter. "D-d-doctor," he says, "I h-have a p-p-p-problem. I have th-this st-stutter, and it's m-making it h-h-h-h-hard for me t-to sell s-stuff."

"Let's take a look at you. Get undressed," the doctor replies. The salesman undresses, and ...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

There's your problem!

The Little Guy was talking to the Big Guy.

LG: Big Guy, how'd you get to be so big?

BG: Well, every night I rub oil ALLLLL over my body!

LG: I'll have to try that!

Two weeks later, they met up again.

LG: Big Guy, tell me again how you got to be so big?

BG: W...

Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind ...

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request s...

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How do pants fit on a man with 5 penises?

Like a glove


>-Gilbert Gottfried (shortened)

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

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Don't masturbate with Crisco.

It's shortening.

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

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A man goes to a doctor

"D d doctor I ha have this terrible s s stuttering. C can you h h help me?"

The doctor immediately has an idea of what might cause the stuttering and asks the man to take off his pants and underwear.

The man does as the doctor told him to and reveals his huge penis which reaches almos...

When guys claim to have had a threesome, the next question is usually, "How was it?"

In my case, that question is shortened to one word.

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A little boy was eating a bag of candy...

A little boy was eating a bag of candy when a lady approached him and said, "you know, that candy will rot your teeth and shorten your life", to which the boy replied, "I dunno, my uncle lived to be 107 years old". "Oh", said the lady, "and your uncle ate alot of candy I suppose"? "No", said the bo...

So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico.

And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump. So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild. But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his j...

A man was asking a doctor about *increasing his manhood*

The doctor recommends he rubs his member with lard twice a day, for a week. Baffled, but willing to try anything he follows orders. When he returns a week later he's fuming mad with the doctor. *It got smaller!* he exclaims. The doctor asks what kind of lard he was using, the answer was Crisco. The ...

A man is in line at Office Depot

A man is in line at Office Depot, he’s in the middle of the line.

Two people behind him say to him: “were late to our abortion protest.” The man said back saying: “Yeah, were all gonna be late to something.”

The two say again to the man: “Were late to our abortion protest.” The man the...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

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Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I c...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

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A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure...

"D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to Help m m m me, I'll dddo anyt t t t thing.

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem....

"your penis is massive, it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutte...

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A man goes to the doctor to see if there is any thing he can do to make his penis larger...

...and after a thorough examination the doctor says that there's nothing medical science can do for him, however there's an old country remedy that he could try. "Just rub lard on it every day and in a couple of weeks you should see some result." Two weeks go by and the man go back to the doctor. "S...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor because his voice is too deep. Uncomfortably deep. People have problems understanding him over the phone and it interferes with his social life.

He says to the doctor, "DOC, YOU GOTTA HELP ME. WHAT'S CAUSING MY VOICE TO BE LIKE THIS?"

After an examination, th...

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A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that his penis is way too long, 50cm to be exact, and it's not working out for him and he needs to have it shortened.

The doctor tells him that there's nothing medicine can do for him but there is something else that may work. He tells him that there's a...

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A man is showering up in a locker room

with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it ...

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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A man has a really bad lisp...

...so he goes to the doctor to figure out the cause. The doctor tells him, "Well, sir, the reason you have such a pronounced lisp is that your penis is abnormally long. I can do surgery on it and remove three inches, and that should take care of your lisp."

The man says, "Gee doctor, I thure ...

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Man with big problem.

Joe was a good looking, successful lawyer. He had a nice house, a fast car, and loads of money. He also had a big problem - his penis was 50 inches long. Joe was charming enough to bring a lady home but they would always run away at the sight of his enormous manhood. So Joe began looking for surgery...

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Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"

His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"

Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the...

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

Twins

A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn't think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter b...

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Three men...

Once there were three men who walked into an empty clearing in the middle of a huge forest, uncomparable by any means to that of any cluster of trees. However, this clearing had a peculiar item lodged in the ground near the center, a shiny golden lamp. The first of the three men slowly worked on dis...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

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Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

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