UPJOKE
laxativevomitingsymptomhemorrhoidsfecesnauseamilkdiarrheanumbnessmigrainedizzinessindigestioninsomniadiarrhoeabowel

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

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I’ve got constipation

I couldn’t give a shit.

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What did Vladimir Putin say to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?

Gladimhere Poopin

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The other day I saw a doctor for my constipation.

He smiled and said, “Don’t worry, that shit will work itself out.”

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

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It’s true what they say about fruit being good for constipation…

I got my phone repair bill from Apple and literally did shit myself.

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They sit down to work it out with a pencil.

Ever hear about the movie called "Constipation"?

It never came out

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

Constipation is a thief of time

and diarrhea waits for no man

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If you have constipation, just go to the zoo and jump in the lion enclosure.

You'll have no problem shitting for the rest of your life.

Have you seen the movie, "Constipation?"

Of course not, it won't be out for a while.

Btw, I am a teacher and a 3rd grader told me that today.

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

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Dr.Watson has constipation

*watson returns home after a visit to th doctor*


Sherlock: " So was I right about your stomach issues."


Watson: " Yeah no shit Sherlock!"

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You should never trust people with constipation.

Because they are full of shit

Have you heard about the movie “Constipation?”

No?
That’s because it hasn’t come out yet

Did you hear about the disaster that happened at the constipation ward?

Everyone was heavily impacted.

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The difference between getting over constipation and getting over diarrhea...

...is the difference between getting caught up on your shit and getting your shit together.

My love for you is like constipation.

I just can’t let it go.

How does an accountant fix constipation?

Works it out with a pencil

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I've had constipation for 21 days

But my friends think I'm full of shit

Hear about the accountant who had constipation?

He couldn't budge it...

So he penciled it out.

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Someone asked me what I thought about constipation

I told them I couldn't give a shit.

Joe goes to the doctor with severe constipation

Doctor gives him two suppositories. Joe goes home and swallows them.

Next day he goes back to the doctor.

"Doc I am still badly constipated."

Doctor gives him two more suppositories, and Joe again goes home and swallows them."

He again goes back to the doctor the next day...

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I have emotional constipation

Haven't given a crap in days.

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I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation

He said no because I’m full of shit

What did Eeyore say when he had constipation?

Nothing. He just Whinnied then pooed.

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What's the German word for constipation?

Farfrompoopin

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

What was the Supreme Court ruling on constipation?

It’s unconstitutional.

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Tom suffers from severe constipation.

After years of searching around and trying every method and medication under the sun, he finally finds the only medicine that works.

One day, he goes to his doctor to get his prescription.

"I can't give it to you, sorry," says the good doctor.

So Tom runs around the city checkin...

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I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation

My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of shit

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How do you help a man with constipation?

You beat the shit out of him.

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.

“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”

“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”

“No, I meant are you taking a...

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

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I could tell you that my constipation doesn’t bother me

But I’d be full of shit

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I used to suffer from constipation

That shit was hard.

Did you ever hear about the mathematician who had constipation?

Don’t worry, he was fine, he sat down and worked it out with a pencil.

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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Big Chief , Dirty Bum

A Chieftain living in a Tribe makes his way to modern Society to get help from a Doctor as he has been constipated for weeks and hasn't even been able to fartt... Finally gets to the doctor.

Chieftain: "Big Chief , No fart"...

Doctor: "I understand take this very potent 1 inch pill and...

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I have location-based constipation.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

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For those of you going through constipation,

That shit is hard !

But don't give up, it'll get through.

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Dad told me my constipation isn't hereditary

But I didn't believe him because he is always full of shit.

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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

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