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Confucius Jokes

Confucius say, he who wear mask alone in car

also wear condom alone in bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.


...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.


...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.


...man who fart in church sit in own pew.


(Feel free to add more)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

Confucius says...

It is good to meet girl in park
but BETTER to park meat in girl

Confucius say

Confucius say,

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Confucius says, man who stand on toilet

High on pot

Confucius say: Man who fart in church...

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

Confucius say…..

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say:

Man with severe premature ejaculation may cum in handy

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confucius say...

Man with five penises have pants that fit like glove.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say:

Man who try to pick up two chicks, only gets cock in hand.

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

Confucius say...

Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.

Let's hear some Confucius Jokes

I'll start

Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.

Confucius says...

“it takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say; Man who is into fisting,

gives shitty handshakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man ask Confucius: If a man shaves his asshole, is he gay?

Confucius say: Man who cleans house expects a visitor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say. . .

. . . anal beads make crappy necklace.

Confucius say...

Man who goes to bed with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius says..

"Man who put dick in peanut butter..



\- is fucking nuts!"

A disciple asked Confucius how many people it takes to change a light bulb.

Confucius said "many hands make light work"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar

The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"

Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle...

...only half-full piss bottle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius Says

Baseball is wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

Confucius say it's better to be knocked down and held up...

... than held down and knocked up.

Confucius say

Confucius say: go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.

Confucius said there are three type of men.

Those who can count and those who can't.

Confucius say...

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Confucius say.....

Confucius say man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say...

...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say, man who fall over book case...

...gets the sore arse.

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Confucius says... (maybe slightly nsfw)

...man who take woman camping have one in-tent.

...man who puts rooster in freezer gets stiff cock.

...man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

...man who makes love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

My dad and brothers(and uncles) are to blame for most of these horrib...

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Confucius say virginity like giant bubble

One prick, all gone

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Confucius he say

Man who wank into till

Come into money.

Source: My mate Dave at uni circa 1998.

Confucius say...

Man who walks everyday barefoot will have a tough sole

Confucius say . . . .

Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels.

Confucius says: Woman who sleeps with judge.....

receives honorable discharge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius says - He who goes to bed with itchy butt

Wake up with stinky fingers.

Just remembered this from when I was 13

Why didn't Confucius wear condoms

Because he who has a hot iron, melts rubber

Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft...

Get tone of A Flat Miner.

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