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Confucius Jokes

Confucius say, he who wear mask alone in car

also wear condom alone in bed.

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Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.


...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.


...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.


...man who fart in church sit in own pew.


(Feel free to add more)

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

Confucius Say

It is nice to meet girl in park...

but it is nicer to park meat in girl

Confucius say…………

Man who stand on toilet is very high on pot! What else you got?

Confucius Say....

A passionate kiss, like the spider's web, leads to the undoing of the fly.

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Confucius say:

Man with severe premature ejaculation may cum in handy

Confucius say

Confucius say,

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Confucius say…..

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

Confucius say: Man who fart in church...

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

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Man ask Confucius: If a man shaves his asshole, is he gay?

Confucius say: Man who cleans house expects a visitor.

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

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Confucius say:

Man who try to pick up two chicks, only gets cock in hand.

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confucius say...

Man with five penises have pants that fit like glove.

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Confucius say; Man who is into fisting,

gives shitty handshakes.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

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Confucius say: There is no half-empty beer bottle...

...only half-full piss bottle

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Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar

The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"

Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath."

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A summary of the world's religions

Catholicism: Shit happens.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens"
Rastafarianism: Let's roll up this shit and smoke...

Confucius say it's better to be knocked down and held up...

... than held down and knocked up.

Confucius say...

Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.

Confucius says...

“it takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.”

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Confucius Says

Baseball is wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

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Confucius say. . .

. . . anal beads make crappy necklace.

Confucius say...

Man who goes to bed with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

Confucius said there are three type of men.

Those who can count and those who can't.

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

Let's hear some Confucius Jokes

I'll start

Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.

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Confucius say, man who fall over book case...

...gets the sore arse.

Confucius say.....

Confucius say man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

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Confucius says... (maybe slightly nsfw)

...man who take woman camping have one in-tent.

...man who puts rooster in freezer gets stiff cock.

...man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

...man who makes love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

My dad and brothers(and uncles) are to blame for most of these horrib...

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Three men came to visit Confucius

They asked him:''Oh wisest of them all, is a men who shaves his butt gay?''

He responded: "Well, he who cleans his house must be expecting visitors."

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Confucius say virginity like giant bubble

One prick, all gone

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Confucius say, man who puts penis in peanut butter

fucking nuts.

Confucius say...

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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Confucius say...

...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.

I heard this pitiful joke when I was a teen.

Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Confucius say . . . .

Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels.

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Confucius says - He who goes to bed with itchy butt

Wake up with stinky fingers.

Just remembered this from when I was 13

Confucius says: Woman who sleeps with judge.....

receives honorable discharge

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

Confucius say, many hand make for light work,

But one hand make for quick job.

Why didn't Confucius wear condoms

Because he who has a hot iron, melts rubber

Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft...

Get tone of A Flat Miner.

Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

Confucius say

7 days of honeymoon make one whole week.

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Confucius he say

Man who wank into till

Come into money.

Source: My mate Dave at uni circa 1998.

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