UPJOKE
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Commie Jokes

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

do commies write everything in lower case?

you know beacause they hate capitalism

Afraid your kid might be a commie?

Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

Where do Soviet nerds gather?

At Commie-Con.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

There are 3 people in a car

The American one said turn right,

The Soviet commie one said turn left,

The Chinese one said to signal left but then turn right.

Why couldn’t the commie find the fascist?

They were looking too far left while the other one was far right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

Did you hear the one about the suicidal soviet pilot?

He was a commie-kazi.

What do you call a socialist who's into fashion?

Commie Hilfiger.

What do you call a Soviet congress?

Commie con

What do you call a communist beaver?

A dam commie

What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War?

"If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"



My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD

Four communists go to a hotel.

When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about the Soviets, so he creates a plan.

The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup...

TIFU by calling a snap election

Months ago,I called a snap election to increase my power and negotiate better in the Brexit deal.I thought I would get more constituencies and get the majority with ease.I thought I would steal more votes from that commie and gain power.Instead this morning I stumbled to this mess of an election.I d...

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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

You know why Communist Jokes are funny?

Because they are Commie-cal.

Two guys from the 50's

Two guys from the 50's were talking out front of one's house.
The first neighbor says to the other, " what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"
The second neighbor looks at him and replies, " I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags."

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Gorbachev visits Washington

Gorbachev visits Washington. He is in the Oval office with Reagan. He noticed a red button on the president’s desk. So Gorbachev sits down on Reagan's desk and presses the button out of curiosity. A trapdoor opens above his head, and a bucket of shit empties on his head. Reagan is rolling on the flo...

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Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" ...

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