UPJOKE
movewalkstridepacegaitprogresswadecome outcome forwardmoonwalkstep upstepstep to the forecome to the forefootstep

Step Forward Jokes

Why did the boxer take a step forward?

To get to the punch line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…

St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three hellions in a class

They were so bad that teachers kept quitting. The principle got so frustrated she hire a retired female marine Sargent to teach the class and gave her authority to go whatever it took to control the three kids. The first day of the school year she walks into the class room and asks the three to step...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recruit's father has died and the drill sergeant is asked to tell him in a considerate and non-direct way

So the next day, the sergeant gets the whole squad lined up.



"Everyone whose father is alive, one step forward! Johnson, and where the fuck are you going?!"

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)

3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the mom...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward."

The Sargent in Iraq was hearing troubling rumors about his men.

That evening he called them all out of their rooms and had them standing in a line.
"I been hearing some terrible things, men" he yelled.
"Apparently some of y'all have been going around with someone named Fatima!"
"I will not tolerate this kind of debauchery on my base, you hear me?!"
"...

US politics is a lot like square dancing.

Move to the right, take one step back, move to the left, take one step forward. Repeat.

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"

"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.

"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife caught me cheating.

My wife ran out the room last night, she turned and screamed at me, 'And you know what? You've gone too far this time.....we're finished!! You're bankrupt and the way you wander round the streets so aimlessly, it's a suprise you don't one day end up in prison!'' But babe...' I said, taking a step ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns die in a car crash and arrive in heaven

St. Peter tells them in order to enter the kingdom of heaven they each must confess their sins.

The first sister steps forward and says, "St Peter I tried to live a righteous life, but one time I saw a penis." St Peter says, "okay my child, go to the holy fountain and wash your eyes and you ...

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
...

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

A long time ago, there was a hermit preist who accepted guests for only one day, every ten years...

The hermit was the holiest of men and it was a great honor to be invited to his home, so the town would select their best citizen to go. The citizen could also bring a guest.

The good citizen, who was selected, knew the town Drunk. He wanted to save the man or at least teach him humility. So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.