What is grey and hurts if it flies in your eye?

A Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet

I just found my first grey pubic hair!

Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac...

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

What’s grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

Why did Karl marx dislike earl grey tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.

His friend says, "Please come back to us."

The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."

His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"

Almost d...

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

Howdy this is Elvis and I have a joke for you fine people today. How come my hair has turned grey?

Because I never dyed.

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Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Why parents go grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss ask...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

What happened to black tea when earl grey became more popular?

It became the minoritea

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

My neighbour.

Threw a pot of white and black paint over my lawn.

I tried to sue, but my local law office don’t deal with grey areas.

What is grey and unimportant?

An irrelephant

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

I used to have a giant grey mammal, but I never had a use for it and it was always off-topic.

It was completely irrelephant.

What's grey and comes in pints?

Elephants

(Credit: "Afterlife" by Ricky Gervais)

What animal is grey and has a trunk?

A mouse on vacation

I'm a 50 y/o woman and without a hair saloon I'm turning grey. This deprives me of my dignity.

I think I'll have to dye alone.

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High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed is full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same g...

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

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Did you hear about the medical student who wrote a porn novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy.

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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

whats grey and doesn't even weigh much?

Light Grey

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

A guy comes home and finds his wife on the bed

Stark naked. "What are you doing here, naked?" he asks "Well, how else am I suppose to be? I have nothing to wear!" she yells at him. Guy gets angry and throws open the closet. "Nothing to wear?" he yells. "Look at how many dresses you have! Blue one. Green one, Grey one. Oh, hi Mike. Black one. Ano...

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I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

What did the actress do when she saw her first strands of grey hair?

She thought she would dye.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

Being quite new in prison, I told my inmates the "50 shades of grey" joke today.

Turned out not to be a problem, as everyone seemed to be used to long sentences.

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

Why do we like telling jokes about Dorian Grey?

Dorian Grey jokes never get old.

What's big, grey and goes round and round?

An elephant in a washing machine.

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tort...

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

Prob been done before Dad joke, but "What's large, grey and unimportant"?

An irrelephant.

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

Fifty Shades Of Grey.

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b,

#2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232,

#343434, #353535, #373737, #393939,

#3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040,

#424242, #444444, #454545, #474747,

#484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d,

#4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353,
...

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

What is Grey Worm’s favorite dessert?

Me Sundae

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

Greying hair

A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"

His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"

T...

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

What's the difference between gray and grey?

One is a color, the other is a colour.

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while being nailed.

What's big and grey and can't swim?

A parking lot.

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I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common?

3 in 1

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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Some people say there's nothing wrong with sex with a 60-year-old woman.

But I think it's entering a grey area.

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

Did you hear about the guy swindling women by pretending to be Christian Grey

Turns out he was a Con Dom.

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I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

An man goes in for a job interview. Unfortunately, he is told that his degree and experience are not enough and he is turned away.

The man decides he's gonna get that job whatever it takes. So he first gets large round head, big furry ears and big black nose. Then, he begins to grow grey-brown and white fur all over his body and claws extend from his fingers and toes. Finally, he thinks he's ready. So clutching his eucalyptus l...

Grey hair is hereditary

You get it from your kids.

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot of a McDonald's?

Mr. T and a pigeon fighting over a french fry.

I know it's old but it always made me laugh.

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