UPJOKE
colorgraycolourconfederate armyblueyellowwhiteenglish languageorangecyangray-hairedgrey-hairedgray-headedgrey-headedwhite-haired

What's grey and comes in quarts?

An elephant

Grey hair is hereditary.

You get it from your children.

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Last time I ever eat Grandma's Christmas dinner

I found my first grey pube today...

Usually I wouldn't mind, but it was in my greggs pasty.

What's grey, has spikes, and runs around a field?

Barbed wire.

Roses are grey…

Violets are grey,
Everything’s grey,
I am a dog.

Whats grey and comes in buckets?

Elephants

What is grey and hurts if it flies in your eye?

A Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet

What's the best thing about Dorian Grey jokes?

They never get old!

What is big, grey and can't fly?

A parking lot.

A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...

Daniel Craig was explaining why his character had grey hair for the first time ever in the franchise.

No Time To Dye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

What's grey and red and goes 100mph?

A baby bunny being discharged from my lawn mower.

What is a Seagull's favorite condiment?

Grey Poupon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

joke everyone laughs at

A single old woman in her 70s was bored alone in her home so she decided to look for a husband, she put up posters saying "i want a husband in his 70s, doesn't cheat, won't hit me, and be good in bed." Two days later, the doorbell rings, the old woman opens a door and finds a grey haired man with no...

I just found my first grey pubic hair!

Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community...

We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community, and that traditionally most of the glamour goes to the entomologists who study the butterflies, because they're so pretty and colorful, rather than the brown and grey moths. So for 364 days a year, the butterflyers get all the glory. ...

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

There was this guy on the road

There was this guy on the road who was found painted grey with a white push bike symbol painted on. He said he lays down on roads to camouflage himself waiting for people to ride their bikes over him because he enjoyed the feeling.

This guy was a real cycle path.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

What is grey and pink,grey and pink?

2 elephants hiding in a strawberry patch

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

Howdy this is Elvis and I have a joke for you fine people today. How come my hair has turned grey?

Because I never dyed.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Complimenting the wife

An Irish man's wife is standing naked in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.

"Oh Paddy, look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me tits are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.

"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel bett...

Why did Karl marx dislike earl grey tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.

His friend says, "Please come back to us."

The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."

His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"

Almost d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

Why parents go grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss ask...

What is grey and unimportant?

An irrelephant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager dies

His wife asks the funeral director in a bitchy tone that her husband will be buried in a blue suit and not the grey one he is currently wearing.

At the day of the funeral her husband wears a blue suit so she thanks the funeral director who replies “oh it was easy. After you talked to me anot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

I used to have a giant grey mammal, but I never had a use for it and it was always off-topic.

It was completely irrelephant.

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

What animal is grey and has a trunk?

A mouse on vacation

What's grey and comes in pints?

Elephants

(Credit: "Afterlife" by Ricky Gervais)

I'm a 50 y/o woman and without a hair saloon I'm turning grey. This deprives me of my dignity.

I think I'll have to dye alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Fifty Shades of Grey

#272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c...

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...

Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.

The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.

After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand...

whats grey and doesn't even weigh much?

Light Grey

James Bond was getting a haircut. Barber: Sir, you’re becoming old, your hair is turning grey. Should I colour them?

James Bond: No time to dye, dye another day

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

He drank himself into an earl grey

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

What did the actress do when she saw her first strands of grey hair?

She thought she would dye.

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

What's big, grey and goes round and round?

An elephant in a washing machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

Prob been done before Dad joke, but "What's large, grey and unimportant"?

An irrelephant.

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while being nailed.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

What's the difference between gray and grey?

One is a color, the other is a colour.

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

Greying hair

A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"

His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"

T...

What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common?

3 in 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?

A kidney dialysis machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

A curious child asked his father

Child: Daddy why your hairs are getting grey day by day?

Father ( thought for a second and said) : Whenever you do anything that makes me unhappy one of my hair turns grey.

Child: Oh, Know i understand why grandpa's hair is all grey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.