There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

I just found my first grey pubic hair!

Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac...

What's the difference between 50 Shades of Grey and an Indian Restaurant?

The Indian restaurant has a Proper-Dom

What’s grey and comes in pints?

An elephant

Why parents go grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss ask...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

What happened to black tea when earl grey became more popular?

It became the minoritea

Why did Karl Marx hate earl grey?

Because all proper tea is theft

50 shades of grey

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What do you call a picture of Grey Worm eating his lollipop on a park bench?

An Unsullied seated lick pic

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

What is grey and unimportant?

An irrelephant

I used to have a giant grey mammal, but I never had a use for it and it was always off-topic.

It was completely irrelephant.

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

What's grey and comes in pints?

Elephants

(Credit: "Afterlife" by Ricky Gervais)

What animal is grey and has a trunk?

A mouse on vacation

I'm a 50 y/o woman and without a hair saloon I'm turning grey. This deprives me of my dignity.

I think I'll have to dye alone.

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

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What's the difference between a Grey Hound bus station and a lobster with boobs

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

whats grey and doesn't even weigh much?

Light Grey

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

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I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

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I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

What did the actress do when she saw her first strands of grey hair?

She thought she would dye.

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<

Being quite new in prison, I told my inmates the "50 shades of grey" joke today.

Turned out not to be a problem, as everyone seemed to be used to long sentences.

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

What's big, grey and goes round and round?

An elephant in a washing machine.

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Some people say there's nothing wrong with sex with a 60-year-old woman.

But I think it's entering a grey area.

Why do we like telling jokes about Dorian Grey?

Dorian Grey jokes never get old.

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

Prob been done before Dad joke, but "What's large, grey and unimportant"?

An irrelephant.

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea...

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.


What's blue and fluffy?


Pink fluff holding its breath.


What's grey and fluffy?


Dead pink fluff.

Greying hair

A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"

His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"

T...

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

Why are tic-tacs small, white, and smooth?

Because if they were big, grey, and wrinkly, they'd be elephants.

The world is full of grey areas.

I don't know how you can get any more black and white than that.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

Social Security

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest...

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In the land of Oz, there was a dark, musky swamp, and in this swamp there lived a bunch of deep green frogs.

Except for one frog, who was a pale yellow color. The yellow frog got made fun of all the time for being a different color, and one day he was so fed up he called out into the sky, “good witch Glinda, good witch Glinda, please turn me green!” And out of the sky, a little soap bubble floated down to ...

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

What's big, grey, and comes in quarts?

... an elephant


Just got this one from my mom

What's big and grey and can't swim?

A parking lot.

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while being nailed.

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

Grey hair is hereditary

You get it from your kids.

Did you hear about the guy swindling women by pretending to be Christian Grey

Turns out he was a Con Dom.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, “Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my boobs sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!”

Husband: “Well, at least your eyesight is okay!”

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common?

3 in 1

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot of a McDonald's?

Mr. T and a pigeon fighting over a french fry.

I know it's old but it always made me laugh.

What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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