What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

50 shades of grey

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Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

What's grey and comes in pints?

Elephants

(Credit: "Afterlife" by Ricky Gervais)

What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

What animal is grey and has a trunk?

A mouse on vacation

whats grey and doesn't even weigh much?

Light Grey

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I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

What did the actress do when she saw her first strands of grey hair?

She thought she would dye.

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

I'm a 50 y/o woman and without a hair saloon I'm turning grey. This deprives me of my dignity.

I think I'll have to dye alone.

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

Roses are brown, violets are grey

I just found out I'm colorblind today.

>!It's becoming a real problem at the traffic lights I'm afraid to say!<

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

A homeless man buys a lottery ticket

He made a few £ more today than normal, so decided to treat himself to a lottery ticket.

Low and behold, he actually wins the jackpot, £5,000,000! The man could hardly believe it!

He says to himself, I have been on the streets for years, I forgot what comfortable shoes feel like, I wan...

What's big, grey and goes round and round?

An elephant in a washing machine.

Being quite new in prison, I told my inmates the "50 shades of grey" joke today.

Turned out not to be a problem, as everyone seemed to be used to long sentences.

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkled?

Because if it was small, white, and round, he’d be an aspirin.

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

Why do we like telling jokes about Dorian Grey?

Dorian Grey jokes never get old.

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, “Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my boobs sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!”

Husband: “Well, at least your eyesight is okay!”

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

I heard a loud scream and ran as fast as I could to our bathroom. Man, you should have seen the look on my wife's face as she stared at the mirror in disbelief after seeing some grey hair...

I thought for sure she was gonna dye...

Prob been done before Dad joke, but "What's large, grey and unimportant"?

An irrelephant.

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

An elderly couple are getting ready

For a date, as the wife steps out of the shower she looks in the mirror and says “I’ve got wrinkles all over, my hair is grey, I’m fatter than when we got married and things aren’t hanging where they used to be.” She turns to her husband and says “I feel down right ugly I need a complement.” After t...

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

A man walked into a tuxedo store...

A man walked into a tuxedo store, looking to buy a suit for an upcoming party. A saleswoman walked over to assist him.

“Hello sir, how may I help you?” she asked.

“I’m looking for a tuxedo,” he replied.

The saleswoman then brought over a few suits to offer to the man.

“H...

Greying hair

A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"

His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"

T...

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea...

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Roses are grey.

Violets are grey,

I'm colourblind,

And shit at poetry.

The world is full of grey areas.

I don't know how you can get any more black and white than that.

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

What's the difference between gray and grey?

One is a color, the other is a colour.

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

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What is grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss?

A kidney dialysis machine

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

What is the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area!

What's big and grey and can't swim?

A parking lot.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

What's big, grey, and comes in quarts?

... an elephant


Just got this one from my mom

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

What do you call someone who has watched all the "Shades of Grey" movies?

A glutton for punishment...

Fifty Shades of Grey has no plot.

It's just all climax.

[LONG] [NSFW] Two guys are in a boat fishing

One guys pulls out a cigarette and says to the other, "Hey man, do you have a light?"
The other guy goes into his tacklebox and pulls out a 10-inch lighter and hands it to him.
As he lights his cigarette, he says "Hey that's really neat, where did you get a lighter this big?"
"Oh, I have ...

Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food?

They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!

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70 year old widow

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard th...

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called?

A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.

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So, my girlfriend wanted to try some stuff she saw in the new 50 Shades of Grey movie

Girlfriend: I just saw the new 50 shades and I really wanna try something I saw in the move.

Me: oh yeahhhh? What’d you wanna try babe?

Girlfriend: Fuck a billionaire.

I tried stealing someone's Earl Grey once…

…but it wasn't my cup of tea.

Grey hair is hereditary

You get it from your kids.

What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot of a McDonald's?

Mr. T and a pigeon fighting over a french fry.

I know it's old but it always made me laugh.

What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?

The look on their face while being nailed.

What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

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I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey

He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years."
"Really!", I said, "I had no idea!"
"Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!"

What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common?

3 in 1

Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...

What's grey and has a big trunk?

A mouse going on holiday.

What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'?

A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio

A joke I love to tell to girls: What's grey, loves the water, and lives in Washington D.C.

The Presidential Seal

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

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