This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Dr. Jones, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years

He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, whether ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mails, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Ccinsely ous,,, mdyl

What’s the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump?

Trump would’ve charged for the kool-aid.

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

Why didn't Indiana Jones have a Nokia phone?

Because he was too afraid of the Snake game.

Mr. And Mrs. Jones were on a safari

in the darkest part of Africa. They were walking cautiously through the jungle when suddenly a huge lion sprang out in front of them, seized Mrs. Jones in its jaws and started to drag her off into the bush. "Shoot!" She screamed to her husband, "shoot!" "I can't!", he yelled back "My phone battery j...

Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess...

Why are there no Reverend Jim Jones jokes?

The punchlines are too long.

What does Davy Jones like to work out the most on his body?

His dead man's chest.

Why did Davey Jones get into comedy?

Because he was good at kraken jokes

Why was Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman nicknamed "Dr. Jones?"

Because he was also Indiana

What's the difference between Bibi and Alex Jones?

One's Netanyahu and the other's a Nutty Yahoo!

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Back at the nursing home,

A few evenings a week, Mr Jones would visit Ms Smith in her room. They would sit on the bed and talk and as they did, she would just simply hold his private part in her hand. They enjoyed this very much.
Then Mr Jones stopped visiting. As a few weeks went by, Ms Smith stopped Mr Jones in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

My son is playing with the newly assembled LEGO truck after playing "Lego Indiana Jones" for a bit.

In the course of playing, he says "I'm driving to Indiana Jonestown!"

To which I replied "Well once you get there, don't drink the Kool-Aid, Junior"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”
The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your ...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate Jones entered the room

"I'm indiana jones! Get out!"

What's Indiana Jones's least favorite band?

The Rolling Stones

Davy Jones was a lucky man

He had 3 grown men fighting for his heart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Indiana Jones hate drag queens?

They're booby traps

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

Jones is asleep in his bed and in his dream

... he hears a voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!“

Jones wakes up thinking “That was a weird dream” and goes about his day. The next night, he hears the same voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!”

After the third night with the ...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

There lived a poor couple, named Mr and Mrs Jones.

Each day, they barely had enough food for themselves, and therefore rarely invited guests.

One afternoon, out of the blue, Mr Jones said he had invited his friend over for lunch.

Mrs Jones was outraged. "Don't you know that now we will have less food to eat?"

Just then they hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor

He says, ”You got to help me, Doc! I have the song, “What’s New,Pussycat” stuck in my head. It just keeps going around and around. It’s driving me CRAZY!”

Doctor replies, “Hmmm, that sound like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that serious??”

“Well, it’s not unusual....

My wife finds it strange that my toddler is a huge Tom Jones fan

"Well, it's not unusual" i told her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Terry Jones and his passing, he is my favorite Monty Python joke

Drinking American beer is like having sex in a canoe. Its fucking close to water

Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home. He says “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked.

" It's not unusual", he replied.

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?"

"He climbed out three times - but only to pee."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs Jones has finished her laundry and now she is outside hanging it up to dry.

She looks up and sees a flock of terns flying nearby. She goes in the kitchen for a coffee and when she comes back out she sees that the terns have flown over and crapped on her laundry. Upset with what has just happened, she takes the laundry down, goes back in the house and washes it again. She c...

The Captain said “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning Private Jones!”...

“Thank you very much” The Private replied.

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

What does a pirate do before working out at the gym?

Changes in Davy Jones's locker room.

Bollywood wants to make a movie called India Jones

In it, he Sikhs the Holy Grail

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.

Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's WTF podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.

----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says “Doctor, it used to be that I’d get these erections so hard that I couldn’t even bend them ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

Why does no major gaming company make an Indiana Jones game?

Because no one would pay 60$ for an Indie game.

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

I would tell a Jim Jones joke...

But the punchline is too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

So I heard Jessica Jones is directed by only Females

Well thats one way of saving 20% on production costs

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.

In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.

None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal.

Mr. Jones says, "does anyone know what sound a cow makes?"

Nobody moves...

Interviewer: and what do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: Personally, I believe my biggest weakness is listening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom Jones Syndrome

A man goes to the doctor with a complaint, "In my right ear, all I can hear is, 'What's New, Pussycat?'. In my left ear, 'Delilah'."

The doctor says, "We call that 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."

"Is that a common malady?"

"It's Not Unusual."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone:

Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
I'm Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name!
Yes, what's your name!?
My name is John Watt!
John what???
Yes. Are you Jones?
No. I'm Knott.
Will you ...

Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work..

.. and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" And Dick says, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Jones and me

While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones, a mortician notices that David has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, David," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The morticia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son's teacher phoned today, "I've just caught your son having sex with Lucy Jones, I'm totally disgusted."

"So am I," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"

Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries.

They blow it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

83 year old Mr. Jones

83 year old Mr. Jones marries a 60 year old woman, and she worries that he might have a stroke or a heart attack if they have sex. So he goes to a doctor and tells him he needs an examination and a letter saying he's healthy enough for sex. The doctor examines him and finds him to be in great shape,...

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?

The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me." the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Jone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

Why is Indiana Jones sad?

Because his career is in ruins.

Doug Jones just won the Senate race against Roy Moore

I guess you could say he got Moore votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom Jones fever

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doctor arrives.
"Hello Mike what seems to be the problem today?"
Mike replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's new pussycat' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that's 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is ...

Indiana Jones: "I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments."

Rick from Pawn Stars: "Best I can do is 25 bucks."

I didn't believe that a friend had a picture of his mom after a bukkake party with Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and Davy Jones.

But then I saw her face...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried to buy a Charlie Brown LP on ebay and got a Davy Jones album instead.

You know what they say.

You pay Peanuts, you get Monkees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs. Jones was giving a spelling test to her third grade class...

“How do you spell the word ‘straight’?” asked Mrs. Jones.

Little Johnny shouts, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T!!”

“Excellent job Johnny! And what does that word mean?”

“Without ice.”

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.


"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.


"Yes sir, what's happened?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom Jones Syndrome

This guy went to his doctor and said,

“Doc, I can’t stop singing certain songs. All morning I’ve been humming ‘The Green, Green Grass Of Home.’ Yesterday it was, ‘Delilah.’ Last week I sang ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ at least 100 times! What’s wrong with me?”

The Doctor says, “Sounds ...

The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner...

After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment.

Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up...

Why can't Indiana Jones find a long lasting relationship?

Bad dates.

So the DOW Jones industrial average dropped 800 points last week. And you know what this means to us regular people?

Not a damn thing...

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, Pussycat?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name...

An Asian nurse goes in to see Mr Jones

A few minutes later she comes out angry, refusing to see such a racist patient. The doctor goes in and asks Mr. Jones what he said to upset the nurse.

"I have no idea doc. She asked me if anything was bothering me, and I said yeah, urination"

Surprisingly, Doug Jones isn’t the best thing to come out of Alabama

I-65 North has been saving people from Alabama since 1959

The Jones and the Smiths decided to try swinging…

… so they left for the week-end to a mountain resort where they rented two cabins, and they swapped partners for the night.

The next morning, Joe Smith woke up, and said “let’s go see how the ladies are doing”…

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

Doug Jones’ margin of victory is so small

Roy Moore is going to try and molest it.

Tom Jones disease

A sick man visits a doctor. The doctor runs a few tests, and comes back to the patient saying "Well, it looks like you have Tom Jones disease".

The man asks, "Tom Jones disease? Never heard of it, is it common?"

The doctor replies, "It's Not Unusual".

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons...

If they acquire my parent’s divorce, they will own my entire childhood...

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

Mr. Jones falls asleep in church.

Mr. Jones keeps falling asleep in church, and Mrs. Jones is not to happy with this. So one day she makes an appointment with the pastor and sits down with him to discuss it.
She says to him, "pastor I am getting tired of Mr. Jones falling asleep during church there has got to be something we can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

What does a dominatrix and Indiana Jones have in common?

They both ride on top of subs.

I recently found an audio bible narrated by James Earl Jones

Overall it was good, though the book of Luke seemed a bit forced

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.