A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar

and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head. He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15 minute...

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

John Woo walks into a bar

He orders a shot of Tequila

Doctor, I touched my face and now I keep saying “my my my my woo!”

What do I have?

Sharonavirus

Note: the young do not show symptoms when exposed to the above...

NSFW Guy is in the front row at the strip club.

NSFW

He’s quietly drinking and tipping the dancers when a particularly beautiful girl comes out and begins a sensual strip tease. The guy behind him immediately starts whooping and calling out, “yeah baby! take it off! Take it off!! woo hoo!”

As she gets completely naked and leaves the...

I tried wooing a lady at the bus stop the other day...

It didn't work, she obviously wasn't a fan of Ric Flair

What’s step one to wooing a geologist?

Make sure you smell gneiss

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I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

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There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up...

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

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Tried to ‘woo’ my girlfriend last night

she said " I know its you you dipshit and stop making those ghost noises"

Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?

Because she went to woo Han.

Did you hear about who went to DMX’s funeral?

There was Brenda, LaTisha (uh), Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Theresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Dianne, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uh) Selena (uh...

A joke I heard when I was a boy

It’s my Cake Day, so go easy on me if you’ve heard some rendition of this...

The king was leaving to go off to war and had a special chastity belt made for the queen. If a man tried to enter the queen while he was away, the belt would automatically cut off his member.

The king came bac...

So there was this blind man.

He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick.

He walked past this fish market.

He stopped, he took a deep breath sniffs the air and says
"Woo good morning ladies"

Knock Knock

**Knock knock.** Who's there? **Woo.** Woo who? **Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.**

I identify as an ambulance

My pronouns are wee/woo

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Three men went on a swimming competition. An American, a Japanese and a Filipino.

The rule was simple, swim through the lake full of alligators, reach the other side alive and win unlimited cash.

Confident, Phelps went first. But in the middle of his dive, a gator appeared in front of him and swallowed him whole.

The crowd was shocked, yet they all booed.

Eag...

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

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A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"


The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

Blondes are tired of people making fun of them.

Blondes across the world set up a convention to prove to everyone that they aren’t dumb. Thousands show up.

The main event begins. The announcer on stage goes, “We are tired of people thinking we’re dumb, so we’re here to prove everyone wrong!”

He points to a random blonde woman in the...

knock knock

knock knock

whos there?

ya

ya who?

why are you excited?



knock knock

whos there?

woo

woo who?


why are you still so excited???

Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.



(Edit: Woo original content!)

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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...

The doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.

The Doc shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.

The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."

"And the second ink blot?"

The guy answers, "Two women making lov...

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

5 Guys From Knock-Knock Jokes

5 guys--Boo, Woo, You, Ach, and Who--meet up for lunch. They describe their experiences knocking on random people's doors. The conversation goes as follows:

Boo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, the person who answers the door is crying.

Woo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, t...

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A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire.

A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire. The billionaire asks them to participate in a year-long experiment wherein they will be taken to a deserted island to survive.

He assigns them each tasks according to their heritage:

The Spaniard will be in ch...

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An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Sec...

The other day, my son was kicked out of the zoo,

The security staff found him throwing chocolates and flowers into one of the enclosures. He said he had found 'the love of his life' and just wanted to give her some tokens of his love. Naturally, I was very concerned about this sort of behavior and didn't want to encourage any relationship of t...

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK!

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

A chemist walks into a bar...

He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"

The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."

"Fantastic!" the chemist r...

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NSFW Pierre the French Fighter Pilot NSFW

It is springtime in Paris and Pierre the French fighter pilot is back from the war and having a picnic lunch with his lover Millie. He is wooing her with stories of his bravery in the war and she exclaims, "Oh Pierre! Kiss me!

 

So he pours the bottle of red wine on her lips ...

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, fi...

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It's President's Day and Mrs. Rosewood was giving her students a bonus quiz...

Whoever could identify the president who said the famous quote would not have any homework that night.

"Alright, class. Who said "A house divided against itself cannot stand."?"
Lil' Johnny knew the answer, but wasn't the first to have his hand up. That was Jamal Jefferson.

"Was it...

My compilation of "Knock, knock" jokes.

*Knock, knock.*

Who's there?

*Knock, knock.*

Knock, knock who?

*I am knocking.*

-------

*Knock, knock.*

Who's there?

*Doctor.*

Doctor who?

*Correct.*

--------

*Knock, knock.*

Who's there?

*Woo.*

...

Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...

He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.

One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.

The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can’t even speak in front of more than a few people.

He star...

Why don't owls go on dates in the rain?

Because it's too wet to woo.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today

"Woo, sounds fun."



Dozen tit!

Sailor walks up to a Pirate in a bar...

...offers to buy the pirate a drink if he tells him the tales of his hook, pegleg, and eye patch.

The pirate agrees, but to one drink per tale.

Sailor buys him a drink, and says, well, why don't you start with the pegleg?

Pirate takes a long swig, leans forward and says "SHARK!"...

A Native American asks his medicine man...

"Why am I named 'Cloud of Love'?"

The medicine man replies, "To prevent drought, I cast a spell on the day you were born."

"How does the spell work?" Asks Cloud.

"Every time you see a squaw you have bedded, the heavens will rain on our crops. So go forth and woo the squaws. Le...

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Jaque' "non numeru un" flying ace!

Come and I will tell you of a man named Jaque' "mon numeru un flying ace". He was the greatest ace pilot in all of France. He spoke of a woman he once wooed, saying:
"I took this woman to my quarters and placed her on my bed. I tore her blouse open exposing her beautiful breast. Then I poured w...

A Priest and a Rabbi.

A limerick for ya...

 

_A prep school had come into view..._
_"Yo Rabbi," a Priest said, "woo-hoo!_
_Let's lure them with toys,_
_And then screw little boys"._
_"Out of what?" - the response of the Jew_

The new bull

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks...

A tray of muffins is in the oven.

One muffin says "Woo; it's hot in here." An adjacent muffin exclaims, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"

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My buddy Sam spends way too much time playing video games.

He's not very social, and hardly leaves his house except to go to Best Buy. He's not bad looking and can sing like a combination of Fergie and Jesus. One day he tells me he has a crush on the girl that works in the home theater department named Shiba. I tell him, "Sam, you should talk to her. It's a...

The hillbilly and the city slicker

A hillbilly gets a visit from a childhood friend who's been living in the big city for many years. They decide to go for a drive while they catch up and talk about old times.

While they're driving along, the hillbilly sees a sheep with it's head caught in the fence.

"Woo yeah!" he exc...

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