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Chased Jokes

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

I saw a man chased by a dog.

They were running around a big fountain. I told the man to hurry up because the dog is very close.

The man replied confidently: "Don't worry, I'm 2 laps ahead"

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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.

“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.

The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in thi...

What do you do when being chased by an angry bat?

Use hand to hand calmbat

I used to be constantly chased by women.

Then I stopped stealing purses.

If you're ever chased by a pack of taxidermists

DO NOT play dead.

A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

What do you say to a retired soldier that's being chased by a dog?

"You veteran."

What did Scar tell Simba when he was getting chased by the stampede?

Move fassa'

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks...

If you are being chased by a serial killer.

Both of you are running for your life.

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

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A rabbit is being chased by a bear

and just as the bear was about to catch him, they trip over a fabled genie’s lamp. Having brushed the lamp, a genie appears and promises to grant the rabbit and bear three wishes each.

Before the rabbit has a chance to speak, the bear shoves him aside and tells the genie how hard it is to fin...

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A man is chased by a wolf

Billy comes running towards his father with sweat dripping down from his face. He tells them that he was lucky to outrun the wolf chasing him because the wolf tripped 3 times. His father tells Billy: "You are very brave Billy, if it was me, I would have shit myself. To which Billy responds: How do y...

What do you call a person who’s being chased by a car?

Tyred!

What do you call a person who’s chasing a car?

Exhausted!

A man skipped church to go hunting...

A man skipped church to go hunting. While in the woods, he got chased by a bear and climbed a tree to get away. Unfortunately, the bear started climbing after him (as bears do). The man started to pray: "Lord, I know I should not have skipped church, but please make this a Christian bear!" Just the...

What steps would you take if a bull chased you?

Big ones.

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

I Was Chased By a Serial Killer

He backed me into a corner. “There’s nothing you can do! You’re about to die!”

“You sound just like my doctor!”

I was hunting in the woods when I got chased by a grizzly

I bearly made it out alive

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.

The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"

"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- Woody Guthrie

I was chased down by a cop for stealing. Then I hid in a outdoor bathtub and he never found me

I call that a clean getaway

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

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I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.

That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

An old Navajo is being chased by settlers...

He runs into the nearest structure he can find, which happens to be an outhouse. Unshaken, he jumps in and hides. The settlers give up on their chase and the old Navajo is seemingly stuck.

A few days later, a young Navajo walking into the outhouse and sees the old Navajo still hiding.
...

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were being chased by the police...

As they were running they saw some sacks, and so they hid in them. When the police got to the first sack, which the brunette was in. He kicked it and the brunette said "woof!" And the police thought it was a dog so he went to the second sack, which the redhead was in. He kicked that one and the redh...

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner said “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager...

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."



*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

A man and his friend were being chased by a bunch of thugs

The man ran into a circular building so that he could distract them from his friend who was a slow runner, he was alone in the circular building and had to fight them alone.
5 minutes later he came out unscathed.

His friend asked, "How did you get out of there alive?"

"They couldn'...

What do authors do when they are being chased?

They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs...

One says to the other "should we stop and outnumber them?"

...

 


"keep running you fool we're brothers!!"

What do you call a white guy who is being chased by 11 black guys?

A quarterback

An Englisman, Scotsman and Irishman are being chased by police

The three of them run into an alley ahead of the cops.

"We need to hide" said the Englishman

"Look, there's 3 sacks over there" points the Scotsman

So they rush over and each one hides in a sack just before the police turn into the alleyway

They scan the alley and dont se...

[Oldie] What do you do when your being chased by a bunch of clowns?

....Go for the Juggler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friends a story how he was chased by a bear in the woods.

"So there I was, hunting rabbits, when all of the sudden, a huge fucking grisly bear comes out of nowhere, and starts chasing me. Of course, my first instinct was to run. But that bear was faster than he seemed. As I kept running, he came closer, almost at his arm's range. I thought I was going to d...

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UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:

UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:
If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker follows you...it's a black bear.

If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker shakes you out...it's a brown bear.

If you're runni...

I was angry at my friend and he sarcastically asked "what would Jesus do?"

So I flipped over the table and chased him from the building with a whip.

One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by the police.

The girls decided to go up 3 different trees and hide.

The brunette hid in the apple tree. The redhead hid in the lemon tree, and the blonde hid in the oak tree.

The policeman went to the apple tree and said, “Is there anyone up there?"

The brunette went, "meow"

The poli...

I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses.

So I made a mad dash for it.

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