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Germans Jokes

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

During World War II, there’s a brutal battle between the Allied Forces and the Germans.

The Germans are sustaining heavy casualties. The German commander is preparing to sound the retreat, but he receives word that the Allies have cut the Germans off from the rear.

With no choice left and to save his men, he gives the order to surrender. German soldiers begin frantically waving...

Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?

Because for them, it is a Wurst-Käse scenario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

Being afraid of Germans makes one a......

Klaustraphobe ?
or a Germophobe.......

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

How do Turkish Germans curse?

DÖNNER VETTER KEBAB!!

Germans don't have wifi

you're not allowed to ask for their SS ID...

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

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What do Germans love about Americans?

When you say Nazi, people no longer think of Germany.

The Germans are so innovative when it comes to diets.

Especially the gluten free diets. They’ve started a new initiative with their food. If something has gluten in it, they give it a guten tag.

Why were the Germans called Jerrys?

Because World War 2 was a big game of cat and mouse

Two Germans walk into a London pub

Two Germans walk into a London pub

-2 Martinis please.

-Dry?

-Nein! ZWEI!

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

What do germans eat for breakfast

Luftwaffles

Three Germans were sitting in a bar telling jokes about WWII.

They lost it.

How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?

Not too well considering they can't finish a race.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

I asked a German girl if Germans are afraid of numbers

She said 9

Germans today are so lazy;

It's been more than 70 years since they last invaded their neighbors

Germans don't have bad sausages..

They have Wurst

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

What do Germans call spoiled children?

Bratwurst.

Germans are so nice.

It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Germans are weird

In my recent trip to Germany I managed to hook up with this really cute German girl, but for some reason she just kept yelling her age during sex..

Translating the German joke Germans only tell Germans.

I don't like to talk about the Holocaust either. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.

How do Germans make a Panini?

On a Glutenberg Press

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