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Beggar Jokes

What's the difference between a university student and a beggar?

15 years

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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

A beggar indeed

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50. “Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.

“What’s goi...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none gi...

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

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Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar.....

....and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

Beggar

I saw a beggar sleeping in a tyre. I punctured it . Now he is staying in a flat.

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but...

Is actually just Poor Execution

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

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The Beggar and the Blind Woman

Three homeless men, down on their luck, were looking for a meal by knocking on doors around a fairly wealthy neighborhood. After being rejected several times, they came to a 2-acre, unkempt property. They were greeted at the front by an old blind woman.

"Excuse me ma'am, but would you be abl...

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

What do you call an Italian beggar?

Giovanni Change

A beggar once asked me, "Any change?"

I said, "Nope. You're still broke."

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland

One is holding a large cross and the other a large star of david. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the star of david but drop money in the other guy's hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A pries...

Dark humor

A kid asks his mom, “Mommy what is dark humor?”

Mom replies: “You see that beggar over there with no arms? Ask him to clap”

Kid: “But….. Mom you know that I’m blind!!!”

Mom: “Exactly…..”

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

A beggar in Afghanistan

An Afghan man walks across a busy street when an old lady says ''Please my son, give me $1 in charity.''

''I don't have any.''

''If you don't have that just give a tiny little bit. Praise God, look at your youth, your tie, your strength and beauty. May I be sacrificed for you, just gi...

The rich guy and a beggar...

A rich guy gets off his limo and walks to a beggar.
"Hi, I'm John, and you are...?"
"I'm God!" replied the beggar.
"No, seriously, you can't be God! What's your real name!"

And they keep arguing until the rich guy says "Alright, if you prove me you're God, I'll give you a million bu...

I once hired a beggar for my business

I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.

The 3 year old and the beggar

The beggar knocked on the door . A 3 year old boy came and opened the door for him. The beggar asked if he could have a glass of water. The 3 year old boy said , "wait" and then he went and got the water with the yogurt pot. ( you have to know , the place where I Iive sells yogurt with the a big sor...

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A rich man and a beggar are standing at a bus stop

A rich man and a poor man are standing at a bus stop, as they did every morning. The rich man would always wear a finely-tailored suit, and the beggar would be dressed in whatever rags he could find. Every day, a different woman would walk buy. The rich man would say something to her, and she would ...

Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cro...

What's the difference between a beggar and a US Politician?

A beggar has retained his integrity.

Why do they call chicken the beggar's bird?

Because it says "Buck buck buck buck buck!"

2 Indian beggars having a conversation

1st Guy : I had a grand dinner at a 3 star hotel yesterday.

2nd Guy : How?

1st Guy : Someone gave me a 100rs note. So I went to this hotel and ordered dinner worth 1000rs and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came , I said , I had no money. The hotel manager called the police man and h...

Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana?

Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

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Mercedes

A police officer was standing on the side of the road, as he saw a dirty beggar drive past in a brand new Mercedes. He thought to himself:

"That's unusual."

So, without hesitation, the officer jumped in his car and pulled the beggar over, came up to the window and asked:

- Tel...

Beggars are like mosquitos...

You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.

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Two beggars, a Jew and a Christian

Are sitting outside a church on a Sunday collecting money.
As all the people leave the church, they see the two beggars and most give money specifically to the Christian, some even give more than they usually would just to spite the Jew.
The last one to leave the church is the priest.
Th...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

Yo mama so ugly...

The beggar gave her money to get a surgery.

There are two types of people on Indian roads

Traffic Police and a beggar.
One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.
I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars

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A bum finds a lamp on a beach

He was looking for cans but decided to rub the lamp. To his astonishment a genie came out.

"You may have two wishes." the genie said and while the bum was hoping for three, beggars can't be choosers.

"I want a bottle of vodka that's never empty." and the genie instantly summons him a ...

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax

After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!"

"Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".

pedestrian: why do you keep asking people for money? are you not ashamed?

beggar: i beg to differ.

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...

... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian...

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

I hear you, brother

\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.

The gentleman replied: - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!

Contender for the worst pun ever (OC)

Meet Desmond. Desmond and his Father are pretty normal people, but they both have Podophobia, the irrational fear of feet.

One day, they both travel to do a tour of Southeast Asia and visit a family friend. As they’re walking about a city, Desmond see‘s a homeless person begging in shabby cl...

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You Never Know What We'll Get

It was the height of the depression and man was feeling pretty lonely. As he was out of work and only had a dollar to his name he made his way to the local house of ill-repute in the hopes of curbing his loneliness. He walks in, approaches the Madam and says, 'say, all I've got is a dollar. Is there...

Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.

God decided to visit Earth...

...so He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a beggar sitting against a wall, crying.

"What ails you, my son?" asked God.

"I've been overtaken with a crippling disease and I can no longer walk" replied the man.

However, God took pit...

I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII.

He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.

I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?

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There was once a defected army general named Choo who was hellbent on taking over the world

The army he commanded was the most fierce, most massive and the most successful army in the region. The army was so reputable, that they informally became known as the R's, for Ruthless, because they took no survivors. It was either join them or die. So naturally, many people wanted to work for them...

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An Irishman, a Frenchman, and an Afghani man are riding around the world in a balloon...

When they are over Ireland, the Irish man picks up an enormous bag of potatoes and says ‘I’m giving my country this bag of potatoes, in hopes that some hungry souls can find happiness from full bellies.’ He tossed the bag of potatoes over the edge of the balloon's basket.

The Frenchman and th...

The state of Indiana has just announced that it will begin forcibly ejecting the poor from its borders.

An official was quoted as saying, "We cannot accept their kind. Beggars can't be [Hoosiers](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoosier)."

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