UPJOKE
panhandlerstreetwalkermoneymendicantpauperizepaupermoochersanyasiscroungerhobonundrunkardvagabondalmsmilkman

Beggar Jokes

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

A beggar indeed

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50. “Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.

“What’s goi...

What's the difference between a university student and a beggar?

15 years

Beggar

I saw a beggar sleeping in a tyre. I punctured it . Now he is staying in a flat.

Dark humor

A kid asks his mom, “Mommy what is dark humor?”

Mom replies: “You see that beggar over there with no arms? Ask him to clap”

Kid: “But….. Mom you know that I’m blind!!!”

Mom: “Exactly…..”

A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…

The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”

“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”

“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland

One is holding a large cross and the other a large star of david. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the star of david but drop money in the other guy's hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A pries...

Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but...

Is actually just Poor Execution

Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar.....

....and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Beggar and the Blind Woman

Three homeless men, down on their luck, were looking for a meal by knocking on doors around a fairly wealthy neighborhood. After being rejected several times, they came to a 2-acre, unkempt property. They were greeted at the front by an old blind woman.

"Excuse me ma'am, but would you be abl...

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

What do you call an Italian beggar?

Giovanni Change

A beggar in Afghanistan

An Afghan man walks across a busy street when an old lady says ''Please my son, give me $1 in charity.''

''I don't have any.''

''If you don't have that just give a tiny little bit. Praise God, look at your youth, your tie, your strength and beauty. May I be sacrificed for you, just gi...

A beggar once asked me, "Any change?"

I said, "Nope. You're still broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cro...

The rich guy and a beggar...

A rich guy gets off his limo and walks to a beggar.
"Hi, I'm John, and you are...?"
"I'm God!" replied the beggar.
"No, seriously, you can't be God! What's your real name!"

And they keep arguing until the rich guy says "Alright, if you prove me you're God, I'll give you a million bu...

I once hired a beggar for my business

I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.

Beggars are like mosquitos...

You hope for cold weather, so they will stop bothering you.

Why do they call chicken the beggar's bird?

Because it says "Buck buck buck buck buck!"

What's the difference between a beggar and a US Politician?

A beggar has retained his integrity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercedes

A police officer was standing on the side of the road, as he saw a dirty beggar drive past in a brand new Mercedes. He thought to himself:

"That's unusual."

So, without hesitation, the officer jumped in his car and pulled the beggar over, came up to the window and asked:

- Tel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bum finds a lamp on a beach

He was looking for cans but decided to rub the lamp. To his astonishment a genie came out.

"You may have two wishes." the genie said and while the bum was hoping for three, beggars can't be choosers.

"I want a bottle of vodka that's never empty." and the genie instantly summons him a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man and a beggar are standing at a bus stop

A rich man and a poor man are standing at a bus stop, as they did every morning. The rich man would always wear a finely-tailored suit, and the beggar would be dressed in whatever rags he could find. Every day, a different woman would walk buy. The rich man would say something to her, and she would ...

Finally after two weeks of fruitless tracking through the jungle one of our local guides received word that tigers had been spotted just outside a neighbouring village.

Personally I'd been hoping for stripey ones but beggars can't be choosers.

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

Yo mama so ugly...

The beggar gave her money to get a surgery.

There are two types of people on Indian roads

Traffic Police and a beggar.
One doesn't leave you until you give some money and other is the begger.
I told this joke to my friend and he was offended because his father was a traffic police. Then we settled the dispute for 25 dollars

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana?

Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

God decided to visit Earth...

...so He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a beggar sitting against a wall, crying.

"What ails you, my son?" asked God.

"I've been overtaken with a crippling disease and I can no longer walk" replied the man.

However, God took pit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax

After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you", retorted the woman, "I'm not some cheap pickup!"

"Well then", said the tramp, "get the fuck out of my bed".

I hear you, brother

\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.

The gentleman replied: - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...

... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian...

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII.

He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.

I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?

Me at the pearly gates

Gatekeeper: hello, have you had a fulfilling life?

Me: Yes, thank you

GK: What was the nicest thing you did in your life?

Me:....
GK: You must have done something great! You have made it here.

Me: Oh, one time I gave a beggar some spare change.

GK: Anything else...

Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.

Contender for the worst pun ever (OC)

Meet Desmond. Desmond and his Father are pretty normal people, but they both have Podophobia, the irrational fear of feet.

One day, they both travel to do a tour of Southeast Asia and visit a family friend. As they’re walking about a city, Desmond see‘s a homeless person begging in shabby cl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a defected army general named Choo who was hellbent on taking over the world

The army he commanded was the most fierce, most massive and the most successful army in the region. The army was so reputable, that they informally became known as the R's, for Ruthless, because they took no survivors. It was either join them or die. So naturally, many people wanted to work for them...

The state of Indiana has just announced that it will begin forcibly ejecting the poor from its borders.

An official was quoted as saying, "We cannot accept their kind. Beggars can't be [Hoosiers](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoosier)."

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You Never Know What We'll Get

It was the height of the depression and man was feeling pretty lonely. As he was out of work and only had a dollar to his name he made his way to the local house of ill-repute in the hopes of curbing his loneliness. He walks in, approaches the Madam and says, 'say, all I've got is a dollar. Is there...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.