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Burned Jokes

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter sai...

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

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What do a burned pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn't pull out in time

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

Did you hear about the old Nintendo console which burned down a house?

Turns out Wii *did* start the fire.

What is common between burned bread, drowned man and pregnant woman?

Pulled out too late!

The Donald Trump Presidential Library burned down last week.

Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.

A Blonde guy burned two ears...

So they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

Our local fire station burned down last night.

Someone must've left the irony on.

Little Timmy is burned out working retail, so he goes to a career fair to consult a counsellor...

Timmy says "Hey Mr. Counsellor, I'm burned out, I don't like my current job and I want a career change, what do you recommend for me?"


Counsellor: "Well tell me about yourself, and what you look for in a job?"


Timmy: "I'm an introvert, I don't like to socialize, I hate it ...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

I just burned 1200 calories...

I left the pizza in the oven too long.

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

Did you hear about the bakery that burned down?

That business is toast now.

Did you hear the Mississippi governor’s mansion burned down?

It was a total loss. Clear down to the axles.

The orphanage I work at burned down

At least I don't have to call anyone's family.

IT Dept Gets Burned

Saw this in our IT help chat at work today:

What’s the difference between our IT support and a cyber attack?

One of them has the incentive to succeed.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

A college got burned down

At least those students got their third degrees

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down...

No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

I burned a wheelchair today.

HOT WHEELS!

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Reality has always been radiating dreamweavers whose lives are opened by divinity. We are in the midst of an ancient condensing of nature that will enable us to access the infinite itself. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the biosphere via meridians.

Although you may not ...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down

Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

The local shoe factory burned down.

Thankfully no soles were lost.

A chef at a Chinese restaurant flicked his cigarette into a pool of grease on his way out the door at the end of his shift. The restaurant burned down.

The next day the police arrested the chef and booked him on charges of wonton endangerment.

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said ‘Christ man, how did you manage that?!’

The man replied ‘Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can’t believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!’

The doctor thought for a moment and said ‘t...

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Little Johnny says "I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, my dad got burned this morning."

The teacher says, "Very badly?" and Little Johnny says "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium!"

My 6yo burned me....

I came home from hunting the other day to my family eating breakfast. As I came up to the table my daughter looks at me,
Hadley: Daddy I know where you've been.....
Me: You do? Did your momma tell you?
Hadley: Nope, but I can tell you've been hunting cause your wearing all camo
Me: Yep, ...

Accidently burned dinner on the grill.

Missteaks were made.

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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's fa...

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