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Bumps Jokes

I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

What are the tiny bumps around a woman’s nipple for?

Braille for “Suck here.”

They just put speed bumps outside the local school.

Well I hope it was a speed bump.

Plato absentmindedly bumps into someone walking down the street.

He hands him a book and says, "Please accept my Apology".

An old feller and the new city speed bumps

One day an old man is sitting with his daughter at breakfast, “have you driven by the parks lately?” He ask his daughter. The daughter replies “no, why do you ask dad?” The old man says “well every time I drive by the parks I hit these new speed bumps they put in, they scream if you drive too fast. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blind wife gets so angry when she bumps into me while I’m masturbating

She never sees me cumming.

A pirate goes to the dermatologist.

A pirate goes to the dermatologist to check the red bumps on his arm.

The dermatologist looks at them, and says "Don't worry, they're benign."

The pirate says, "Arrr! I counted them meself, and there be eleven of 'em!"

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...

Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

A Frenchman bumps into a English gentleman on a street

"Good day to you sir, what are you up to." says the Englishman.
The Frenchman says "nothing much....what are you doing."


"Oh we are playing Croatia today" answers the Englishman.

"Ah what a coincidence. We are playing them on Sunday you see" r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bumping into People

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

What’s the difference between kids and speed bumps?

I slow down for speed bumps.

One tension plate bumps into another plate...

"Sorry, that was my fault!"

A fish swimming upriver and bumps his head.

"Dam" he says.

*Girl bumps into a guy at the bar*

Girl: Oh sorry about that, hi.

Guy: Oh! I shouldn't be talking to you.

Girl: Why not?

Guy: Because when I talk to a pretty girl I always make a fool of myself

*The girl smiles, taking this as a compliment*

Girl: You're not making a fool of yourself.

*The gu...

I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

Guy bumps into a friend ...

... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"

Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"

"Office Depot."

What’s the driver say after he felt a “bump, ba-bump” under his car?

When did they put speed bumps in the park?

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face!

The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue.

There was a presumption of Guinness hints.

What does a barcode say if he bumps into another barcode?

SKU me

What sounds like a robot and bumps into tables?

Stephen Hawking.

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