UPJOKE
chiefsuperiorsupervisorleaderemployermanagerheadcoachownerguyceogafferhonchoforemanbrag

Boss's Jokes

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary.

The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary. She wants to fire her for a trivial matter.
The secretary defends herself: "You're just frustrated because I climax faster than you!
The boss' wife wonders surprised: "Did my husband tell you that?"
"No, the postman!"

I was having dinner at my boss's house.

His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said "Just one please."

She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"

I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss's daughter!

Employee: Sir, you called me?

Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more.

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy marries Boss's daughter

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss ...

TIFU By Eating My Boss's Sandwich

Oops wrong sub.

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The ot...

I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...

"What's this for? he asked.

I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

I received a warning at work for poor performance.

We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack \[the boss's son\] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss's Dilemma

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on th...

Tupac walked into his boss's office....

His boss said, "Sit down, we need to talk. I am firing you. You need Tupac your things and go."

My ex boss's house just burned down...

You know what they say, fight fired with fire.

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stormed into my boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting..

He replied, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Steve."

I got called into my boss's office for a bad billboard I created

It wasn't a good sign

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't even think about getting out of bed without making love to my wife. I pick up my secretary up for a ride to work and she gives me a BJ on the way.

Doc says "Ok."

Guy says, " Around 10 or so, I'll take one of the receptionists into Xerox room and we'll d...

There are rumours that the reason I'm leaving the company is because I was fired for breaking the windshield of my boss's Honda car...

the truth is... It's of my own Accord

John and the Mob Boss

John was serving as a jury member in a high-profile gangster trial. The mob boss's underlings approached John with threats and a bribe:

"There's no way a death sentence will be passed. At worst, it'll be a life sentence." Shaken, John agrees. The trial proceeds, and the jury is sequestered. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that was accused of using his boss's hand soap as lube for masturbating?

He came clean.

How long does it take my wife to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, she usually just screws in her boss's office.

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

Here's an oldie but goodie that hopefully hasn't been re-posted a thousand times:

A man is making love to his boss's wife and she passionately whispers in his ear, "Kiss me!"

He says, "Are you out of your mind? I shouldn't even be doing THIS!'


I read that in Bob Newhart's autobiography years ago and it has always stuck out as one of those weird jokes that halfwa...

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

A married couple shows up to court explaining their divorce and argument

The judge let's the wife tell her side first. "For my husbands birthday, our family and his coworkers planned a surprise birthday party. We showed up to the house and when me and the kids went to say happy birthday first, he was laying seductively on the sofa naked. " The court room gasps in disbeli...

Hard to find good help nowadays

A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."

My girlfriend is a workaholic

She is staying the night at her boss's home to discuss company's problems tonight.

Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you c...

Did you hear the one about nepotism?

You wouldn't get it, but your boss's son would.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new employee.

This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taking a sick day

An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have sex with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

sick employee

A company hired a new employee. He was supposed to start on Monday, but in the morning he called his boss:
"I'm sick," he said. The boss excuses him.
The guy shows up at work on Tuesday and works hard all week, amazing everyone with his diligence and skills. The following Monday he calls...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

Do not underestimate your abilities.

That is your boss's job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

The best example of once in a life time opportunity..

..is a bug on your boss's face.

I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.

I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."

I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company, I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All anti-semites

Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"...

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

A blonde woman's first day at live software support..

She was giving help to customers through live chats.

She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.

Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!

Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exac...

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says, Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

On the way to work I car pool with the next door
neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during
the ride to work..

Once I get to work I do some work and at morning
tea time I go into the photocopy room and have
it off with the one of the young office girls.

At lunch I take ...

Two Polish janitors are unhappy because they always get passed over for promotions.

Anatol and Artur are two Polish janitors. They always seem to get passed over for promotions. They discuss the issue and decide that Artur will ask the boss about it.

Artur goes to his boss. "Why are me an Anatol always passed over for promotions? We work hard."

The boss says, "It's no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy goes to a doctor..

So a guy goes to a doctor and he says, "Doctor, you gotta help me! Every morning, I get up, I fuck my wife. Then I carpool to work with my neighbor's wife and on the way she BLOWS me! Then I get to work, and every time I go into the Xerox room, one of the young girls follows me in so I fuck her on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Boss With No Ears

A successful businessman owns his own company. While he is quite accomplished, he has a very short temper, especially regarding his physical deformity - he was born with no ears.

He is holding interviews with potential new employees. The first interviewee has pretty good credentials, and his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Skipper

Skipper was the most well-liked guy in the office, and seemed to know everyone at all the parties. In fact, he seemed to have a connection with just about everyone, including his boss's friends. The boss, struggling to stump him, decided to test Skipper.

"Hey, Skipper," he said, "Brad Pitt's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a serial killer on the loose...

There's a serial killer on the loose in a pretty big city in Southern California. This killer has been at large for some time and has a particularity sadistic method of murdering his victims, he kills them by making thousands of tiny cuts all over their bodies until they pass out from pain and die o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.