My blood tests came back positive.

I definitely have blood.

An man goes to the doctor’s office for a blood test

An man goes to the doctor’s office for a blood test.

The doctor tells him he is obese and has to become more healthy.so the man tells the doctor “obesity runs in my family “

the doctor says to the man ” obesity doesn’t run in your family, nobody runs in your family”

I didn't study for my blood test.

Still, I got an "A".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the w...

"I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test." "Taipei?"

"Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."

I'm really good at blood tests

Every time I take one I get an A+

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo

So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.

I don't ever get blood tests.

It's not because I'm afraid of needles or anything.

It's just that my blood's under enough pressure as is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun goes to a clinic to get a blood test...

And the nurse gets her blood results mixed up with a prostitute's. When she goes in for the results a couple days later, she opens the envelop *that said she was pregnant. She then exclaims: "damn! You can't even trust candles now days!"

Why couldn’t the doctor read the Blood test?

It was full of Type-O’s

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?

Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blood test

I am having a blood test on monday for my prostrate.

Doctor says I am not supposed to have sex, masturbate and ride my bicycle for three days.

If I could have sex and masturbate while riding a bicycle I wouldn't be needing the blood test!

My Asian friend had a blood test

His parents nearly disowned him when he got B+

What did Sonic the Hedgehog say 24 hours before he got a blood test?

Gotta go fast.

I just got my first A+!

I am so excited! I never thought I would score so high on a blood test!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which ...

There’s one test I will never fail

A blood test I always get an A+

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy comes to the doctors office and says

G: “Doctor, when I touch my head, it hurts”
Doctor checks out his head, makes scans of his brain, takes his blood test. Nothing comes out, the guy is perfectly fine

The guy says
G: “But it still hurts when I touch it!”


Doctor: “Touch your chest, does it hurt?”


G: “...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"


"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

I'm thinking about getting my blood tested

I'm scared of A negative result, but I'll try to B positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

A blonde woman showed up to her doctor’s office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes

The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.

The blonde woman replied, “I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

a man is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the man quicly responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that ...

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you cr...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

A blonde was found spanking her child for getting a B+ while the neighbour's child got an A+....

.... in the blood test.

A man is driving down a road, swerving every now and then, so he’s pulled over by a cop, believing him to be drunk...

The cop then takes out a breathalyzer, and asks the driver to breath into it, the driver says he cannot, the cop asks why, and the driver tells him he has asthma.

The cop then walks back to his car and takes out a tube, he then returns to the driver and asks him for a urine test. The driver t...

Yo Mamma's so dumb....

She stayed up all night studying for her blood test

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A paternity test

A friend of mine were called in to a paternity test.

So he went to the local doctors office and did a blood test.

He was later called back in for the results.

When he heard he wasn't the father he smiled brightly and exclaimed : it isn't important to win, but to participate!

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?

His blood tested positive for Coke.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

Johnny was in the hospital.

Johnny was in the hospital, sitting on the bench. Johnny was here for an appointment.

As he waited he saw Alex come out crying.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I just had a blood test.
Johnny: So, were you scared?
Alex: No. But they cut my finger.

Upon hearing this, Johnn...

Two kids were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything.

So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test". The second one asked," So? Are you afraid?". First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test, they cut my finger, it hurts".

Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was ast...

Med school is a lot easier than I expected!

I didn’t even study and my blood test says I got an “A+”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer.
I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing)
He then told me to take a urine test.
I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver"
He then continues to ...

Two cops are sitting in their car late at night...

...watching a bar in the hope of catching drunk drivers.

It nears 3 AM and they see a severely intoxicated man struggling to open the door to let himself out of the bar. He's walking in zig-zags all the way to a car in the streets. He struggles to fetch his keys from his pocket and, when he f...

Hospital test

One day , gerald went to hospital . As soon as he took a seat , he looked around and saw a woman cried loudly as all people nearby stared at her .
Gerald : why are u crying maam?"
Woman: i came for my blood test
Gerald : are u scared ?
Woman: thats not the reason tho , i took the test ,...

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

I study whole day / Night but got b+ , whereas my friend goes to party , spend times on games and movies, still got A+ .....

On blood test report..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk driver

A cop pulled over a man who kept swerving in and out of lanes for no apparent reason. The officer goes up to the man and requests that the man take a breathalyzer test.

"I can't do that, officer," the man replied, "I'm an asthmatic. If I take the test, I might have an asthma attack."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple goes to the doctor

After the husband waits for several hours in the waiting room while the doctors examine his wife, now wondering whats taking so long, the doctor finally comes out to explain his findings to the husband. "I'm not sure whats wrong with your wife." says the doctor, to the husbands disbelief "But I have...

Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.

"What? How?" Guy exclaims.

"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."

"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy la...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to doc

Man goes to the doctors and says 'my wife came in for blood tests last week and she won't tell me what's wrong with her' doctor says ' well I shouldn't really tell you but it's very strange and the tests were inconclusive - she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's '. Guy says 'oh man what shall I do?' Do...

A man is pulled over on the suspicion of drunk driving.

The officer comes up to the window and says "Son, I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test."

The man says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I can't do that."

"And why is that?"

"Well, you see sir, I'm an asthmatic. Blowing into one of those things would cause me to have an attack."...

pair of your underwear

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man.


Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.


The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is swerving all over the road gets pulled over by the cops...

The officer asks the man to do a breathalyzer test to which the man replies "Oh, officer I can't I have extreme asthma and I could go into a fit if I try to." The officer then asks him to come back to the station to do a piss test. The man then says, "I can't do that either, I have a severe test o...

I was feeling depressed. .

I was feeling depressed so I went to the doctor to get a blood test.
A week later he called me back with the results and said B positive, it's in your blood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This test is intended for males to test their sensitivity:

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

- a) Lovemaking
- b) Screwing
- c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

- a) Your views about what you expect from a s...

A guy gets pulled over for drunk driving.

When the cop walks up he asks,

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Guy states, "well no I'm just on my way home, why'd you pull me over?"

Cop states, "you have been swerving so I'm going to have to take a breathalyzer"

Guy informs cop by saying, "ha well I can't do ...

A police officer pulls a man over for driving all over the road...

...and discovers the man has clearly been drinking.

Officer: "You'll have to come with me for a breathalyzer test, sir."

Man: "I'm afraid I can't do that officer, I'm ams-- *hic* alths-- I'm asthmatic. I could have an episode."

O: "I see. In that case, I'll need to take you dow...

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