What do you call creepy wind chimes?

Stranger Tings

When the girls sing "They did the mash" and then the guy chimes in with "They did the *monster* mash"

That's wolfmansplaining

What time is it when a clock gives 13 chimes?

Time to get a new one

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

What's the difference between a wind chime from Germany and a wind chime from Jamaica?

Not a ting

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”



A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”



Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

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Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

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Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

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The DEA search an old man's farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: "Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm."

The farmer replies: "This is outrageous! I'm just a poor old man trying to earn a ...

A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner together.

The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says, "I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick around town this year and just take it easy."

The viking chimes in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked....

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A sadist, masochist, arsonist and a murderer are sitting in a park next to each other.

A cat walks by and the murderer's instincts kick in:

"Lets kill the fucking cat!"

The sadist immediately disagrees:

"No lets torture it and THEN kill it!"

Arsonist chimes in:

"No! Come on you guys, lets torture it burn all its fur and THEN kill it!"

The maso...

Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.

Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?

*phone chimes*

Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...

Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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Three Men are sleeping in a hotel bed. (NSFW)

When they finally wake up, they start talking about the dreams they had.

The one on the left says: “Guys, you’re never gonna believe this, I just had the dream of a lifetime! I received an amazing handjob. It was like it was being done by a professional!”

The guy on the right chimes i...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.

„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“

Mu...

Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.

One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.”



The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember w...

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3 friends are walking through the snow (nsfw)

The first one turns to the other two and says, "It's so cold out here my dick must have shrank 3 sizes. "

The second one chimes in and says, "you're lucky, Mine shot inside my body to stay warm. "

The third one looks at them, shrugs, then says, "Eh, I've fucked so many cold hearted b...

Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.

“Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.”



The third man chimes in ...

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5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

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A Newly Married Couple...

A newly married couple leaves their wedding and heads back to their room. They’re deeply religious and have never seen each other naked before.

Getting to the room, they start taking their clothes off.

Upon taking his socks and shoes off, the woman notices that his toes are severely di...

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a campfire

The dog suddenly says, “Ugh, I hate my master! He makes me do my business on a fire hydrant.” The cat chimes in with, “That’s nothing! I have to do all that in a tiny litter box!” The penis, outraged, shouts, “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push-ups ‘till you t...

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

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The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and g...

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Three Black Women are in an Airport

Three black women are in an airport, discussing back and forth about their flight from Newark to London, and the difficulties therein. Finally, they come around to what happens if the plane crashes.

The first woman says "If we go down, I'ma make sure I'm wearing hot pink panties."

The ...

A man and his wife got married...

They went on their honeymoon and spent a couple weeks away before returning back home. The man goes to work and one of his co-workers asks him about his honeymoon! He wants all the details. So the man recounts it all to him:

"Well we got to the resort and put our stuff down, had a... A perfor...

A poetic version of "you are not a monk" joke

He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
They said: 'You're warm...

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The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth ...

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

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In London during WW2 an American soldier is on a train looking for a seat.

He sees a seat that has a dog in it and a woman beside it "ma'am can you move your dog so i can sit there" he asks the woman replies "No, piss off you Yankee twat" the soldier walks off searches the entire train for a seat but doesn't find one he them returns to the lady and asks "please can you mov...

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Late one night three leprechauns were sitting around a camp fire....

The first leprechaun says to the second, “nobody believes in leprechauns anymore. We don’t get to grant any wishes or hide our gold. We need to do something to get people believing again.”

The three of them sit quietly for a few minutes trying to come up with and idea. Eventually the first o...

“Do you know what Easter is about?”

a man asks to a group of friends.

“Of course!” says the first friend, “It’s the one where the guy in the red suit goes down the chimney and-“

“No, not at all.”

A second friend chimes in, “Oh, I know this! It’s where you write cards to the ones you love and give chocolate hearts ...

An American, Mexican & Italian

An American, a Mexican, and an Italian work together and have lunch together everyday.

One day as they sat down to eat the Mexican fella takes out his lunch and exclaims "Uggh a burrito again! She always packs a burrito, I'm sick of this!" he tosses it in the trash and leaves.

Next the...

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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explain...

An existentialist, a nihilist, and an absurdist are baking cookies,

They've been at it for hours trying recipe after recipe, but they just can't get it right. Nothing they make tastes as good as they hope.

Eventually, the existentialist throws his hands up in despair. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe we just need to accept that taste is subjecti...

A guy with no arms walks into a church

and goes up to a priest. He says "Im here about the bell ringing job you have advertised?" The priest looks a little puzzled but says sure, lets go up the tower and you can give it a go. They get to the top and the priest says "okay show me how you do it?" The man takes a few steps back and runs hea...

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

3 Men go to Heaven

3 Men go to Heaven. There, they see a huge wonderland, with trees, flowers, and beautiful wild animals. Before they're allowed in, God explains to them the one rule- don't step on the rocks. The three men are confused but happily accept this.
On the first day, two of them wake up to the other ...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

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Tell me something I don't know.

My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight."

Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are ta...

Speak English

A Lufthansa airliner is parked at the gate at Munich airport. Its pilot requests something from the tower in German.

Tower responds in English, "If you'd like to say something, say it in English."

The Lufthansa pilot asks in English, "Tower, why do I, a German, flying a German aircraft...

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It's Saturday morning at Cathy & Bill's home.

They live in a cul-de-sac. After Bill jumps into the shower, the door bell chimes. Cathy answers it in her pajamy-wams to find their neighbor Bob standing there. He gives her a long look up and down and says "You know, if you take off your top off, I will give you $500." Cathy thinks it over and che...

So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground

They all decide that they should take but can’t decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.

The priest says”We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us”
...

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The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The seco...

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician go camping.

They bring out a giant can of beans to eat but no one brought a can opener. The physicist says, "I know how we can open it, we can make a really hot fire and place the can in it. The internal pressure will rise and burst open the can." The mathematician says, "we can't do that, we'll lose half our b...

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At a Nazi mine, a worker calls out to Hitler

"Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores"
[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"

The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."

Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go golfing

They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual.
One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge.
The priest...

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Man couldnt stop shouting.

Every good morning, every conversation, every single word. The man just could not stop shouting.

So one day, he and his wife decide to see a doctor about it. "IDUNNO, DOC. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO LOWER MY VOICE NO MATTER WHAT I DO. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?".

The doctor says, "...

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So a woman wants to buy a parrot for her husband

She goes to the store and asks the manager, who replies, " I have two parrots, one repeats everything you say, and the other keeps all your secrets."

She asks to see the secret-keeping Parrot, and the manager obliges. He brings it out and she asks it,"How do I look?"
The surly parrot then...

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The organs in the body get into an argument...

(Heard this from my mom who works in a hospital...)

The brain says "I'm the most important. I control everything". The heart says "yeah, but without me, you'd have no blood and couldn't function". The lungs say "but without me, you'd have no oxygen in the blood". They liver says "yeah but ...

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3 Generations of Prostitutes Sitting in a Room Together

The daughter turns to her mother and says "I can't believe it! I'm only getting $50 for giving blowjobs!".

The mother says, "$50! Back in my day we were lucky to get $20 for that!"

The grandmother chimes in "$20! Back in my day we were lucky just to have something warm in our bellies!"

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A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar & orders a jack and coke. The bartenders gives the man an apple. The guy looks baffled & the bartender tells him to just try it.

The man took a bite out of the apple. "That tastes like Jack!"

"Turn it around." Says the bartender.

The man takes a ...

A young married couple are out golfing together...

The man heads up to the first tee box with his driver and takes the biggest, hardest swing he can muster. As you'd expect from an amateur golfer, the ball slices hard right and off the fairway, breaking a window in a nearby house. Slightly embarrassed, the man says to his wife, "Well I feel bad. We'...

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"

"At school."

The robot slaps the son.

"Okay, I went to the movies!"

The father asks, "Which one?"

"Harry Potter."

The robot slaps the son again. ...

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Little Johnny #71

During a class on good manners and etiquette being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike rep...

A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car...

they get pulled over. The officer approaches the car and asks Hiesenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am." "You were doing 50 in a 35" "Well fuck, now I'm lost" The officer senses something is off. "Are you boys doing anything illegal? Is there anything in t...

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.

Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."

The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."

The Third woman slides down ...

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadi...

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Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time...

Three old women are commiserating...

Myrtle, Edith and Bertha are sitting around commiserating about the pitfalls of old age. Myrtle says, "The other day, I was in the bathroom with one leg in the tub, and I couldn't remember if I was stepping in or stepping out!". Then Edith chimes in, "Well that's nothing! The other day I was at the ...

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...

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First Time Poster, Go easy on me ... "Hamster"

So.. A guy walks into bar and takes a seat ....

The Barman approaches and says what are you having boss?

The Man replies .. I don't have any money pal ...

Barman says if you don't have any money you can stay here ...

The guy says ...what if i told you i have a hamster th...

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The cucumber, the pickle and the penis...

After a long, difficult day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis are all sitting at a bar and talking about all the reasons life sucks. The cucumber goes first.
"I know I've got it the worst; when I get big and juicy, they slice me up and put me on a bed of leaves or drown me in water, it's terrible...

White pages

Had a conversation at work today. Got the yellowpages and was commenting on how much smaller the whitepages are nowadays than when I was a kid. My coworker proceeds to ask the difference between the white pages and the yellow pages in the book. I tell her the yellow pages businesses have to pay for ...

Five businessmen on a train

Five businessmen share a train car as they are headed to a large convention. They don't have much in common and not wanting to talk about work, one of the business men breaks the silence

"I bet you all one dollar that I can spit white on this window". All five men pull out their wallets and p...

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A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head

"Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas" the voice says.

The man is confused, but shrugs it off and assumes he just imagined it. He gets out of the shower and brushes his teeth. After he gets dressed, he heads into the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As he's looking in the fridge, he he...

The mental institution just got a new shrink...

...and on his first day he is shown around the hospital and introduced to the staff and patients.

As he comes to the activity room, there is a group of patients sitting in a circle facing one another. One of them says: "Number 31!" And the others start laughing. He notices that one of the pat...

Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,

"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"

His buddy one chimes in:

"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"

The third old man patiently listening finally sa...

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Four guys are out golfing,

and catching up on old times. Before starting, one guy needs to go rent some clubs so while he's away, the other three start talking about their sons.

"Hey, hows you're boy doing?"

"Oh he's doing great! Well, my son's travel agency has been doing really well, so well in fact that h...

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Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home

They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze.

One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I...

Heard this at bible camp some years ago

Three nuns are praying to God one day, and God actually answers back. He says "I'm going to ask each of you a question and if you answer correctly you will go to heaven." So he asks the first nun, "who was the first man on earth?" She thinks for a minute and answers, "Adam." Bells and chimes ring an...

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then...

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Three friends get lost in the jungle...

So three guy friends on vacation in South America get lost in the jungle.

Eventually after hours wandering and near death. The trio find themselves on a remote area of farmland where Coca plants are being grown.

Before long they get caught by the local drug lord who owns the land and ...

It's an old joke, it's long, but it's one of my favorites.

Dave and Mike are two friends and are hanging out, just talking and having a good time. Suddenly, the Prime Minister of Canada walks up to them with a huge smile on his face and says, "Hey Dave! Long time no see!" Mike is in shock and just listens to Dave and the PM chat, laugh and act lie they're o...

Little Johnny is in Sunday School,

and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"

And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that'...

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4 jokes you shouldn't laugh at but you still do ..... NSFW I guess

Reddit give me your worst most racist/sexist/dirtiest joke that you know you shouldn't laugh at but you still do. I'll start off with a few of my favorites:

Q: what do you call 5 black men hanging in a tree?
A: Mississippi wind chime

Q: why do women wear white on their wedding day?<...

A man with terminal cancer gets frozen…

Then, he gets awakened in 2060 when they can cure his cancer.

The first thing he does when he learns he’s in 2060 is call his broker:

— Well, mister Smith, your total net worth today is $3,405,444,102.26.

Upon learning he’s a multibillionnaire, he leaps of joy and slips in some ...

A wealthy man dies....

A wealthy man dies and in his will he asked his 3 best friends to hold 10,000 dollars. At his funeral they are supposed to throw the 30k into his coffin before they bury him. At the grave side the three men stand there and each throws in an envelope. Afterwards, they were drinking and the first man ...

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Coldest Igloo

Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.

The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"

So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this."
He gathers up a big wad of spi...

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The honeymooners

So me and an old friend decide to go on a fishing trip. When we arrived at the lodge we were informed that the only boat they had was for the honeymoon cabin, we asked if it was available, but no, it had just been rented my a newly wed couple for the weekend.



So we rented a boat from ...

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Catching a huge SOB

So a young catholic preist moves to a new city. Once he's there, settled in, he gives a sermon, and at the end informs his congregation that he'd really like to get to know them all a little more personally, and if they ever want to have dinner, or play chess or see a movie he'd welcome the opportun...

A blond, a redhead, and a brunette are at school one day eating lunch

The blond says to her friends, "If I have another turkey sandwich for lunch, I'm going to kill myself!" The redhead, knowing how she feels says, "if I get a ham sandwich for lunch one more time, then I'm going to kill myself!" The brunette chimes in and says, "you know, if I get another stupid tuna ...

A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.

**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"

**Woman:** "4 your honour."

**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."

From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up

**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nic...

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Three Drunk Girls

A blonde and two brunettes had gone out drinking Friday night and really tied one on. They all got back together for lunch on Sunday, and the two brunettes were shocked at how awful and sad the blonde looked. "I can't ever go drinking again", the blonde moaned. "That was the worst, most humiliating ...

A newly appointed priest is speaking to his congregation for the first time...

He tells them "welcome to St James church, where you can be rest assured that we will not touch your children". He delivers a stunning message but chimes in that he "will not touch your children" every five minutes. As he is meeting and greeting, every five minutes he mentions "I won't touch the chi...

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A boy and his grandfather are out fishing one day.

He sees his grandfather light up a pipe on the boat. He says "Grandpa, can I try some of your pipe?" The grandfather looks over to the boy and says "Boy, can your dick touch your ass?" He softly replies "No, Grandpa." So he tells the boy he cannot try his pipe.
After the day of fishing, they bot...

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My Thai wife has got a penis the size of a tubular bell...

I love her long chime.

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