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Chime Jokes

What do you call creepy wind chimes?

Stranger Tings

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

Did you hear about the new cathedral with no chimes whose towers won an architectural award?

It won the no-bell prize.

When the girls sing "They did the mash" and then the guy chimes in with "They did the *monster* mash"

That's wolfmansplaining

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

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3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

What did they call the Minecraft player who built a clock in-game to chime at 4:20?

A Redstoner.

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”



A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”



Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

A man walks into an empty bar

He orders a pint and sits at the bar.
Suddenly he hears a small voice saying:
"That's a lovely shirt you're wearing mate. Suits your body type really well and the pattern is very stylish"

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone other that the bartender. He shrugs and goes back to hi...

The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."

Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get...

A lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches and goes to court with her husband

“Lady, when you stole the can, how many peaches were in it?”

Four, answered the lady.

Then I’m gonna sentence you to four days in jail…

The husband then chimed in…

She also stole a can of peas

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Le...

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The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and...

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadi...

Logic

Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, ...

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.

„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“

Mu...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go golfing

They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual.
One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge.
The priest...

Two monks are on a train

Two monks are on a train, wearing their monkly robes, and the guy sitting across from them asks, "Hey, are you guys monks?" "Why yes," one of them replies. "I'm a Jesuit, and my friend here is a Dominican." "Great!" says the guy, "I've always wondered, what is the difference between the two of you? ...

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his ...

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A man walks into a bar...

... With a stork and a cat, he sits at the bar and orders a drink, the cat chimes in and says "double whiskey, but I'm not paying" the barman serves the drinks and tells the guy "£12.50 please mate" the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change without looking, hands it over and takes a...

Fastest thing

During an interview, the interviewer posed a question to four applicants: "What do you consider the fastest thing?"

The first applicant promptly replied, "The blink of an eye!"

The second applicant chimed in, "I'd say it's a thought."

The third applicant confidently stated, "The...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

A group of coworkers are sitting around

discussing how much work and fun is involved in completing a project.

First, the junior colleague says, "Completing a project is about 80% fun and 20% work."

Then the team lead replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."

The m...

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Little Johnny #71

During a class on good manners and etiquette being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike rep...

A man in a mental health facility was having an argument.

A man in a mental health facility was arguing with a hazelnut. "I'm not crazy! You're crazy!" He says.

The squirrel chimed in and said, "You're both nuts!"

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on ...

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

Joke from a few years ago at work.

A few years ago a group of my coworkers were asking what the strings on corn is called.

I chimed in almost immediately and said "Ear hair."

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

The other man empties the glass i...

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works, until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” I...

Why do windchimes dance in the wind?

Because they have to tinkle.

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The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The seco...

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

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Three Boys

Three boys were taking a sex ed class. They received grades of D, D-, and F, respectively, so they plotted to get revenge.

"We should get her," said the first.

"Yeah," said the second, "let's grab her."

"Yeah," chimed in the third, "And let's kick her in the nuts."

In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23 degree angle.



She then drew a 67 degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing." and the second one chimed in "And I love what you've done with your hair."

The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going...

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" Asks the landlord

"I'll have a beer please"

The landlord pours him a beer and puts it in front of him.

"That's £3.50 please"

"Oh I'm not paying for it. You offered me a drink so I said I'll have a beer"

"Don't b...

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

A man is on his deathbed.

Long

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take ...

Autocorrect walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him what he'd like to drink.

"I'll have a bear. A bare. Bier. Briar."

Autocorrect slumps in his seat, defeated. The bartender chimes in.

"Hey hey, why the log fence?"

A guy with no arms walks into a church

and goes up to a priest. He says "Im here about the bell ringing job you have advertised?" The priest looks a little puzzled but says sure, lets go up the tower and you can give it a go. They get to the top and the priest says "okay show me how you do it?" The man takes a few steps back and runs hea...

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

My 80yr old grandmother had her nipples pierced the other day...

now every time the wind blows she sounds like a couple of wind chimes!

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

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A dog says hey to a cat in a barn

The cat says hey back.

The pig chimes in, saying hey to the cat and dog.

The chicken bucks her salutation the same way.

The horse: And y'all ain't fuckin sharing?

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...

Three Men were in a Soviet Prison.

One man asked another, "What are you in here for?"

The other man replied, "I was arrested for being late. They accused me of wanting to delay the victory of the Proletariat."

Another man chimed in, "I was arrested for being early. They accused me of wanting to be favored over my fellow...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound li...

Three cats are hanging out one evening just shooting the breeze.

The first one says, “I really like milk.” The second one chimes in “I couldn’t agree more. There’s nothing quite like a good bowl of milk.” The third cat says, “I don’t know - I hear that water is better to drink than milk and costs less too.”

The first cat says, “OK, but I’m sure we all a...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke.

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. "What am I supposed to do with this?" The customer asks. "Just take a bite" says the bartender. The customer takes a bite and says "Oh wow this tastes like rum!" "Now bite the other side", said the bartender. The guy...

While perusing the wares of a pet shop, a woman sees a Parrot priced at only $20...

She walks up to the store owner and asks him why the parrot is so cheap. He tells her that the bird came from a local brothel that recently closed shop for good, and it picked up a lot of bad language and lingo from its time there.

The woman thinks nothing of it and doesn't want to pass on su...

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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car...

they get pulled over. The officer approaches the car and asks Hiesenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am." "You were doing 50 in a 35" "Well fuck, now I'm lost" The officer senses something is off. "Are you boys doing anything illegal? Is there anything in t...

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[Long] So a man walks into a bar ...

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender - "What sort of specials do you have today?" - "Well, Sir, today I have an apple for every flavor." Interested, the man asks "Do you have one that tastes like Jack and Coke?" - "Of course!" Chimes the bartender, handing the man an apple. The man takes...

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Three women were getting together for brunch and started bragging about their husbands.

"MY husband, " says the first " just took me on a vacation to France'" and she smiled while her friends congratulated her for her good fortune.

"Well my husband just bought me a new Lexus." says the second, receiving her accolades.

"Well. I don't know if it's a big deal or not," starts...

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A man gets a job at one of those sells everything superstores

The manager tells him remember you’re on commission more people you sell to the more money you make. So the end of the day the man comes up to the manager he asks him. How did you do? The man tells him I only made one sale. He said you’ve been here for eight hours. It’s very busy. How did you only m...

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Three Men Are Talking About Aging

A sixty year old, a seventy year old, and an eighty year old man are sitting on a porch discussing the different stages of aging.

"When I wake up in the morning it now takes me 30 minutes to be able to take a piss!" complained the sixty year old.

"That's nothing," responded the sevent...

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At a Nazi mine, a worker calls out to Hitler

"Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores"
[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"

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A doctor, a nurse and an orderly go to the bathroom together

after they are finished the doctor goes to the sink and washes both her hands all the way to the elbow

the nurse goes to the sink and washes one hand very thoroughly

the orderly stands there and watches them.

As they are leaving, the doctor says with an air of indignation, "In m...

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Ukrainian Wedding Night

Father and grandfather are giving some wedding night advice to a young Ukrainian groom who is about to marry a Russian girl. The father starts:

"When you take her to the bedroom, carry her in your arms and then without visible effort deposit her on the bed. That way you will show her that Ukr...

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Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

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A wolf, a rabbit and a tortoise needed a drink.

They drew sticks and the tortoise came up short and had to go to the shop to get a bottle of Vodka.

An hour passed and the wolf and the rabbit got pretty pissed.

"This is too slow even for a slowpoke like him", said the wolf. "If I went, we would already be on our second bottle by now...

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

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My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight." Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"

"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the...

A redhead, brunette and blonde woman are walking aimlessly through an endless desert

The redhead said to the others, "I'm glad we all were smart and brought one item that will help us stay safe if we get lost in the desert. I brought a big canteen of water as mine. If I get thirsty, I'll have that to drink."

The brunette then chimes in and says, "great idea! For my one item, ...

There was a man and woman driving down an interstate…

They speed past a sheriff stationed on the side of the road, and the sheriff checks the radar gun. Sure enough, they were speeding, so he takes off and catches up with the elderly couple. He flashes the lights, and they eventually pull over on the side of the road.

The sheriff walks up to th...

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a £5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

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2 animators and a prostitute walk into a bar

One animator says to the other “ I’m an animator” the other animator says “ Me too!” Then the prostitute chimes in and says “ I wish I could be a animator like you, Im just a normal mater”

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Three men are sitting naked in a sauna.

“My wife has a nickname for my penis. It’s so hard and fast, she named it after the boxer, Rocky,” says the first man, who is, coincidentally, a boxer himself.

“Well, my wife says that my schlong is so long, it’s like being impaled, so she’s named it Vlad,” chimes in the second man, with a s...

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

A lawyer parks his Ferrari.

As he opens the driver's door to get out, a truck comes tunneling through and breaks off the car door.

The lawyer is understandably upset, crying "My Ferrari! My beautiful, expensive Ferrari!"

A man from the sidewalk chimes in, saying "You're so busy with the car's door that you didn't...

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Theee doctors are discussing their careers...

The dentist says, “I’ve worked on some of the nastiest mouths in my career, some people who didn’t brush their teeth for years, so disgusting it made me feel sick working on them.”

The podiatrist chimes in, “You think that’s bad? I’ve worked on people who never took care of their feet and ha...

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Trump, Putin and Merkel are standing on the shore

Trump starts to boast how the new US Submarines can stay underwater for 6 months. Putin chimes in how their new Subs are capable of more than 9.
After a short pause they look at Merkel. But she just turns to the sea. A Submarine is slowly emerging. A hatch opens and a man in uniform salutes and ...

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

Two identical twins that were separated at birth were asked how they reunited

Well, one said, “we met online and immediately noticed many physical similarities”

The other chimed in “ we both mentioned in our bio how we never actually met our parents”

“It was quite a strange coincidence that we met, huh”

“Yeah, grinder is a wonder, isn’t it?”

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Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home

They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze.

One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I...

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

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A sadist, masochist, arsonist and a murderer are sitting in a park next to each other.

A cat walks by and the murderer's instincts kick in:

"Lets kill the fucking cat!"

The sadist immediately disagrees:

"No lets torture it and THEN kill it!"

Arsonist chimes in:

"No! Come on you guys, lets torture it burn all its fur and THEN kill it!"

The maso...

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Three Men are sleeping in a hotel bed. (NSFW)

When they finally wake up, they start talking about the dreams they had.

The one on the left says: “Guys, you’re never gonna believe this, I just had the dream of a lifetime! I received an amazing handjob. It was like it was being done by a professional!”

The guy on the right chimes i...

Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.

Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?

*phone chimes*

Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...

Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

ROBOT MAN

A dad makes a robot that slaps people when they lie.



"Son, why were you not at school yesterday?"

"I was at school"

The robot slaps the kid.

"FINE! I was watching a move with a friend."

The robot slaps the kid.

"FINE! It was an erotic movie."

...

Earl and Peggy had been married 50 years

Every year they'd attend the county fair and every year Earl would look at Peggy and say, "Look at those planes! I'd love to ride one of those planes.."
And every year Peggy would reply, "Yea, but it costs $10, and $10 is $10!"

Finally, the year came of Earl's 75th birthday. They go to the...

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

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Three men walking through a desert

Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.

Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.

The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry"

The three men all nodded.

"I tell ...

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3 friends are walking through the snow (nsfw)

The first one turns to the other two and says, "It's so cold out here my dick must have shrank 3 sizes. "

The second one chimes in and says, "you're lucky, Mine shot inside my body to stay warm. "

The third one looks at them, shrugs, then says, "Eh, I've fucked so many cold hearted b...

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.

Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."

The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."

The Third woman slides down ...

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A cop pulls over a driver...

A cop pulls over a driver and says that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.

The man responded “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that momen...

A Redhead, a brunette, and a Blonde...

Three girls go on a trip to see the desert. The Redhead says "hey we should bring stuff to keep us cool because the desert can get really hot." Everyone agrees so they so pick it something they feel will keep them cool in the desert heat. "what did you guys bring, I brought a wide brimmed hat to kee...

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3 Generations of Prostitutes Sitting in a Room Together

The daughter turns to her mother and says "I can't believe it! I'm only getting $50 for giving blowjobs!".

The mother says, "$50! Back in my day we were lucky to get $20 for that!"

The grandmother chimes in "$20! Back in my day we were lucky just to have something warm in our bellies!"

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A priest, a doctor and an engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explain...

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In London during WW2 an American soldier is on a train looking for a seat.

He sees a seat that has a dog in it and a woman beside it "ma'am can you move your dog so i can sit there" he asks the woman replies "No, piss off you Yankee twat" the soldier walks off searches the entire train for a seat but doesn't find one he them returns to the lady and asks "please can you mov...

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

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Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

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