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Phew Jokes

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die....

Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.

Cur-phew!

I told my suitcases that we're not going on holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

PHEW! I finally got around to reading that book my wife got me on Clocks...

... it was about time!

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Out with the girls...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight and even did a pinkie swear.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in th...

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A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the ho...

Phew. Long day. Just read through all the rules and regs for Sunday's second debate.

Long story short.....

If he just starts kissing her they might stay on live broadcast, but they'll go to commercial if he grabs her by the

Phew, don't have to think of a catchy title today

Why is Monica so exited for the next Clinton presidency?

This time she won't have to swallow.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."

Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

The unusual camel

A man is walking through the desert. He's been lost for a while and he's kinda losing hope.

Behind a sand dune he sees what looks like a camel rental shop. Clearly a mirage.. or is it?

It doesn't disappear as he gets closer so he enters the main tent and is greeted by the owner.
...

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking pot outside my office.

My wife looked at ...

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Three construction workers were having lunch on a high rise..

The first worker opens up his lunchbox and says, are you kidding me? Another bologna sandwich! Every day its bologna! If I get another bologna sandwich i'm going to jump off this high rise! The second worker opens his lunch box and says, yeah i'm with you man I cant take anymore of this! The third w...

Three men at the pearly gates....

Three men have died and arrive together in the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first man "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man proudly answers "Not once in 40 years of marriage"

"You are a good man" St Peter tells him. "Here are the keys to your brand new Porsche. " He...

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

"Dad, if I know where something is..."

"Then it isn't lost, right ?"

"Of course, son !"

"Phew ! Just asking because I accidentally dropped your iPhone in the river."

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A boy meet his girlfriend's father for the first time....

A highschool boy drives over to pick up his girlfriend, her father answers the door along with an old dog.

The boy is asked to sit and wait, but he is very nervous and becomes gassy. (Thankfully I am sitting right next to the dog he thinks to himself)

The boy lets out a silent but stin...

Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."

Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse ...

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wi...

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

...and thats basically capitalism

Two man are locked in a room. There is a cake in the middle of it. The first one thinks: "I now have two options:

1. I take half of the cake and the other half is for that other guy.
2. I kill that other guy and have the cake all by myself."

He goes for the second option and kills t...

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this i...

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...

Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

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Two muffins

Two muffins are sitting in a oven

One muffin says, “Phew it’s hot in here”

The other muffin says, “HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN”

Ring ring....

Little girl: "Um... hello?"

Caller: ".... Oh hey sweetie, its daddy.... why are you annwering the phone? Where is mommy?"

Little girl: " Um..... mommy says she and uncle Jack are working in the bedroom and i gotta play downstairs......"

Caller: " What!? Honey, you aint got a unc...

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

An older man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor performs all of the routine tests — physical, cognitive, blood, urinalysis, etc. — and he tells the man to come back in a week for the results.

A week later the man returns to the doctor’s office. The doctor addresses him with a stern look on his face and says, “Unfortunately, I h...

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A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is.

So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a very large, muscular guy come in. The muscular guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge.
He goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a ...

City slicker rides a horse

A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. He has no experience so asks for a well trained horse. He is given a horse with the following instructions: the make the horse walk say "phew", to make it run say "yeah" and to make it stop, say "stop". Sounding easy the man says...

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The flight got a little rough there...

So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds,

"... an...

Faith is everything

A man is about to jump from a plane. Right before he jumps, he looks down and freezes in place.

"Don't worry," says the pilot, "If something goes wrong - start chanting 'Oh great Buddha, please save me'".

Skeptical but with renewed confidence, the man jumps. At the right height, he t...

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As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have t...

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Curing Prostate Cancer

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he h...

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

So a wolf comes to a village with three awfully farmilar houses

“Shalom” Says the Wolf

“Phew” Says the three little pigs

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Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

Adventures in Camel Riding

A man goes to Egypt on a holiday with quite a bit of money to spend. One day, he finds a shop with a camel for hire. Knowing that riding a camel would make treks through the desert much easier, the man decides to hire the camel. The man said to the Egyptian shop owner, “How do I control him?” The Eg...

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer and a software engineer where testing a new automobile..

Going down a hill the brakes started to fail. They careened down the hill at speed, screeching round the corners, narrowly missing cliff faces and sheer drops, and finally coming to a halt by steering up a grassy bank.



"Phew, that was close", said the electronics engineer, "I've got a...

A man wants to buy a horse for his daughter's birthday. [Long]

He goes to a barn to see if the farmer will sell a horse to him. He sees a beautiful white horse with a silky mane. The farmer says to the man,

"I see you eyeing my horse, if you're looking to buy him, it's 1000$." The man thinks it's a steal at that price, so he gets money out and pays....

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A man goes out camping.

And as he's driving to the campsite, he gets a text from his friend who set him up with his date, saying that he just found out his blind date might have a cock.

The man starts to think to himself, "How can I find out for sure without my date thinking I'm a creep?" And he thinks about it the ...

There was a woman breastfeeding her child next to me.

I looked at her and said, "Do you never feel like perverts are giving you weird looks when you do that in public?"

She smiled, and said, "Oh no, not really."

I said, "Phew."

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.

He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
"I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going t...

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A successful businessman is sitting in his office...

when suddenly he hears the voice of God.

"Charlie, you need to sell your business. Sell it for $1 million dollars."

Charlie is astounded, "But why, I'm doing so well!"

"Charlie, do as I say!"

Charlie doesn't want to argue with God, so he does what he is told, and within a...

Hey /jokes I'm the MC at a wedding for friends tomorrow and wondered if you wonderful people could help me with some wedding jokes.

I'm feeling a little humor deficient and stressed right now so any jokes you know about weddings or love would be really helpful. Thanks!

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Three guys die in a drunk driving accident...

...and their three souls float up to heaven. They arrive at the gates of heaven, and after a minute, Saint Peter appears before them. Saint Peter says, "Boys, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have died in a horrible car accident. We would love to welcome you into heaven, but you first must pass o...

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In the gateway to heaven, stands Gabriel the angel...

...and a guy comes along who recently passed away. "Welcome to Heaven," said Gabriel, "may I ask how you died?"
The guy says "look you won't believe it, I came home and saw my wife dressing up hastily and realized she was cheating on me. I looked for the fucker everywhere, until I heard screams f...

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A boy is visiting his girlfriend for the first time...

After the meal, he suddenly feels an urge to fart. Silently but audibly, he leaves a drive.

Then the father says to the dog: ''Rex!''

'Phew,' the boy thinks, 'the old man thinks it was the dog', and leaves another one. ''Rex!''

The father calls. Then the boy lets another one o...

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Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two...

Horse named Few

A man goes to buy a horse one day and comes across the most astounding looking horse he has ever seen. He asked the owner if he could purchase the horse from him. The owner agrees for hefty sum of money. But tells the man that there are a few things he should know about the horse. First that the ho...

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Two Asian men are drinking in a bar...

And a Caucasian man walks in, carrying a shotgun. He takes a look around and then shoots one of the Asian men dead.

Horrified, the bartender shouts: "Why the fuck did you do that?!"

The man replies: "Well, yesterday when I returned from work, this guy was on my bed, with my wife, both ...

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the old couple had no money left, so the husband says

-"Martha, you spent all our monthly pension playing bingo. Now we cannot even buy food, the only way we got to get some money quickly is that you prostitute yourself"

The old woman accepts her fate and goes out. The evening passes, then the full night. The husband begins to get worried, but ...

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