PHEW! I finally got around to reading that book my wife got me on Clocks...

... it was about time!

Phew. Long day. Just read through all the rules and regs for Sunday's second debate.

Long story short.....

If he just starts kissing her they might stay on live broadcast, but they'll go to commercial if he grabs her by the

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Three construction workers were having lunch on a high rise..

The first worker opens up his lunchbox and says, are you kidding me? Another bologna sandwich! Every day its bologna! If I get another bologna sandwich i'm going to jump off this high rise! The second worker opens his lunch box and says, yeah i'm with you man I cant take anymore of this! The third w...

Phew, don't have to think of a catchy title today

Why is Monica so exited for the next Clinton presidency?

This time she won't have to swallow.

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Angela Merkel invites to dinnerparty after G20 summit.

So, true story that has been leaked here in Germany, after the last G20 summit in Hamburg, Merkel invited all the leaders to a dinner party:

Sitting at the table Trump and Putin took a seat next to her, left and right. She notices the federal republic did not spare expenses and served dishes ...

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

Adventures in Camel Riding

A man goes to Egypt on a holiday with quite a bit of money to spend. One day, he finds a shop with a camel for hire. Knowing that riding a camel would make treks through the desert much easier, the man decides to hire the camel. The man said to the Egyptian shop owner, “How do I control him?” The Eg...

So a wolf comes to a village with three awfully farmilar houses

“Shalom” Says the Wolf

“Phew” Says the three little pigs

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Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

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Curing Prostate Cancer

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he h...

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A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the ho...

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A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is.

So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a very large, muscular guy come in. The muscular guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge.
He goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a ...

There was a woman breastfeeding her child next to me.

I looked at her and said, "Do you never feel like perverts are giving you weird looks when you do that in public?"

She smiled, and said, "Oh no, not really."

I said, "Phew."

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As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have t...

Ring ring....

Little girl: "Um... hello?"

Caller: ".... Oh hey sweetie, its daddy.... why are you annwering the phone? Where is mommy?"

Little girl: " Um..... mommy says she and uncle Jack are working in the bedroom and i gotta play downstairs......"

Caller: " What!? Honey, you aint got a unc...

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A man goes out camping.

And as he's driving to the campsite, he gets a text from his friend who set him up with his date, saying that he just found out his blind date might have a cock.

The man starts to think to himself, "How can I find out for sure without my date thinking I'm a creep?" And he thinks about it the ...

Trump and Obama are taking a jog...

Trump and Obama are taking a jog around the White House. When they finish, they look at the time on their stopwatches.

"Phew, just under 10 minutes!" Says Obama.

Trump says - "shame, Bush managed to do 9:11"

Faith is everything

A man is about to jump from a plane. Right before he jumps, he looks down and freezes in place.

"Don't worry," says the pilot, "If something goes wrong - start chanting 'Oh great Buddha, please save me'".

Skeptical but with renewed confidence, the man jumps. At the right height, he t...

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A boy is visiting his girlfriend for the first time...

After the meal, he suddenly feels an urge to fart. Silently but audibly, he leaves a drive.

Then the father says to the dog: ''Rex!''

'Phew,' the boy thinks, 'the old man thinks it was the dog', and leaves another one. ''Rex!''

The father calls. Then the boy lets another one o...

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In the gateway to heaven, stands Gabriel the angel...

...and a guy comes along who recently passed away. "Welcome to Heaven," said Gabriel, "may I ask how you died?"
The guy says "look you won't believe it, I came home and saw my wife dressing up hastily and realized she was cheating on me. I looked for the fucker everywhere, until I heard screams f...

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Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

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Three guys die in a drunk driving accident...

...and their three souls float up to heaven. They arrive at the gates of heaven, and after a minute, Saint Peter appears before them. Saint Peter says, "Boys, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have died in a horrible car accident. We would love to welcome you into heaven, but you first must pass o...

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this i...

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wi...

Disaste.

Phew, that almost spelled disaster.

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The flight got a little rough there...

So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds,

"... an...

Horse named Few

A man goes to buy a horse one day and comes across the most astounding looking horse he has ever seen. He asked the owner if he could purchase the horse from him. The owner agrees for hefty sum of money. But tells the man that there are a few things he should know about the horse. First that the ho...

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.

He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
"I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going t...

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A successful businessman is sitting in his office...

when suddenly he hears the voice of God.

"Charlie, you need to sell your business. Sell it for $1 million dollars."

Charlie is astounded, "But why, I'm doing so well!"

"Charlie, do as I say!"

Charlie doesn't want to argue with God, so he does what he is told, and within a...

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two...

Hey /jokes I'm the MC at a wedding for friends tomorrow and wondered if you wonderful people could help me with some wedding jokes.

I'm feeling a little humor deficient and stressed right now so any jokes you know about weddings or love would be really helpful. Thanks!

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Two Asian men are drinking in a bar...

And a Caucasian man walks in, carrying a shotgun. He takes a look around and then shoots one of the Asian men dead.

Horrified, the bartender shouts: "Why the fuck did you do that?!"

The man replies: "Well, yesterday when I returned from work, this guy was on my bed, with my wife, both ...

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the old couple had no money left, so the husband says

-"Martha, you spent all our monthly pension playing bingo. Now we cannot even buy food, the only way we got to get some money quickly is that you prostitute yourself"

The old woman accepts her fate and goes out. The evening passes, then the full night. The husband begins to get worried, but ...

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