This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

Whew, I’m so tired...

I could be an 18 Wheeler

Five Things

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You pr...

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth….

...guess I’ll call it a day”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore

Me: Damn, what happened?

Doctor: He’s at a different hospital

Me: Oh, whew

Doctor: Dead tho

An American tourist in Moscow

Found himself needing to take a
leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself, so he just went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even
get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are ...

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

Praise the lord!!!

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”
Bill got on the horse and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep...

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

A man needed a horse..

.. So he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, he would need to say "Thank God" and for it to stop he would have to say "Amen". So the man sets off on his merry way, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

Indian police.

[Please excuse my bad english, I'm still an amateur]

An american man with a briefcase full of illegal drugs was walking through an busy crowd somewhere in Mumbai.

"Sweet! Imma sell this for thousands of dollars"

As he made his way through the crowd, he heard someone screaming, h...

Deer

A deer walks into a bar and leaves an hour and a half later, she says
“Whew! I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks!”

A young man is out for his first date with an older lady...

It goes very well, and they wind up in the back seat of his car, messing around.

"Put a finger in me..." she whispers.

"Okay.."

"Now put two fingers in..."

"Okay..."

"Put *four* in, baby..."

"Alright..."

"Now put your whole hand in!"

"Urgggh......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choking on the Phonetic Alphabet

Last week, I was registering for a website when I ran into a little trouble and had to call their customer support. We were going through some basic form information and he was having trouble understanding my spelling so he told me to use the phonetic alphabet.

For those of you that don't kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Chicken and the Horse

On a farm in the countryside, there was a chicken and a horse that were best friends, and they often went walking through the pastures together, just talking.  

One day while on one of their walks, the horse fell into a mire, and was steadily sinking.  The horse was getting very afraid and as...

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is going with her boyfriend to his parents' house...

...to meet and have dinner with them. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parents' favorite.

They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday...

whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier comes back from Vietnam...

And finds out he caught some kind of bad crotch-rot from one of the hookers. His dick is changing colors; red, purple, green, so he goes to the VA to get it looked at.

The first doctor sees it and immediately says "I've never seen anything like that, I think we're going to have to amputate".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumber yard joke.

The owner of a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard. He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy until a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um, sir how do you propose you are to work in my lumber yard if you can't se...

I had to get a Mastectomy last year...

Whew, glad I got that off my chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man us standing at the urinal

when all of a sudden, this huge black man comes running into the restroom, rushes up to the urinal next to the Jewish man, whips out a monster dong, and starts to piss like crazy. The black man leans over and says "whew, I just made it!" The Jewish man replies "Could you make me one in white?"

A village kid asks his parish priest if he could play with his horse..

Priest: "Ok but my horse is no ordinary horse. You have to pay attention to the instructions:
Say THANK GOD and it will bolt & run. Say PRAISE YOU LORD & it will run faster. Say LORD HAVE MERCY and it will stop immediately. Don't forget."

So, the kid gets on the horse, says "THANK ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Circle flies

A old farmer is carting a load of manure down the road when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop, comes up to the truck and starts giving the old farmer a hard time about how much the load smells and just generally aggravating him.

Waving his hands in the air, he tells the man, "whew! These...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country

A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ...

My heart sank when I received the text message "I am breaking up with you. It's over between us" from my partner.

But "Sorry, wrong number baby" came afterwards. Whew, what a relief!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up

A Catholic school teacher asks the children who they want to be when they grow up when one girl raises her hand and says "I want to be a prostitute"

"A WHAT???" yells the incredulous teacher

"A prostitute" says the girl calmly

"Whew thank Heavens, I thought you said 'Protestant'...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.