The 42+ Best Beat Up Jokes

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

I saw a kid getting beat up by 4 gang members, so I decided to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.

Why did the poker player get beat up off his uncle?

Because he upped his ante

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I beat up a Nazi yesterday…

I’m… not allowed at the wax museum anymore.

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

Why did Popeye beat up the Pope?

He heard he was going to Mount Olive

This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator

I was staring at her knockers and she said "Could you please press one?", so I did.

What happenes when you beat up an electrician?

You get charged with battery

How to you beat up a snowman

Kick it in the snowballs

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

I've been learning to fight and I'm doing great! Yesterday I beat up a high schooler!

I love being a teacher

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

I beat up a kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

As i walked away, I realised that I forgot to beat up the kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

Beat up an orphan

What are they going to do? tell their parents?

(so sorry my friend told me this a few months ago)

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

Did you know the Energizer Bunny got beat up?

His attacker got charged with Assault and Battery

Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail?

Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.

I nearly beat up a psychic for being phony.

Too bad he saw it coming.

You know how some gangs beat up new members to initiate them?

I might be in like 12 gangs.

I finally plucked up enough courage to beat up the school bully.

It was a different school, and 15 years later,
but damn it felt good

I was once being beat up by 2 kids

And so this other kids walks by, stares at the situation, and decides to help.

Damn I didn’t stand a chance against the 3 of em.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A man with electric superpowers beat up an innocent woman...

He was charged with battery

I beat up a British man today for calling me autistic.

Turns out he just really likes my drawings.

I beat up my friend with a speech impediment.

I guess you could say him and I “thought.”

How do you beat up a priest?

With NUNchucks

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

A computer beat up a guy and then promptly ran out of power.

He was charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

I saw an autistic kid being beat up by three guys. I couldn’t just stand there.

There was no way he stood a chance against all four of us.

What did the police man say when he arrested the remote control that beat up his wife?

'I charge you with battery'

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lindsay Lohan walks into a bar, with a one winged, beat up, inebriated parrot on her shoulder

The bartender says, "Where did you get that drunk, fucked up bird?"

The parrot says, "The Rehab clinic in Malibu."

A man worked at a coal mine. He beat up his colleague severely but they let him go

it was a miner offense

Did you hear about the junkie who beat up a nun?

He kicked the habit.

How many cops does it take to beat up a light bulb?

None. That light bulb fell down the stairs.

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

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