Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

What happenes when you beat up an electrician?

You get charged with battery

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a spectator.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

You know how some gangs beat up new members to initiate them?

I might be in like 12 gangs.

I saw a kid getting beat up by 4 gang members, so I decided to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived?

Someone ordered a McGregor

I beat up a kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

As i walked away, I realised that I forgot to beat up the kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.'

I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I beat up my friend with a speech impediment.

I guess you could say him and I “thought.”

Why did Popeye beat up the Pope?

He heard he was going to Mount Olive

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

Beat up an orphan

What are they going to do? tell their parents?

(so sorry my friend told me this a few months ago)

Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail?

Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.

I finally plucked up enough courage to beat up the school bully.

It was a different school, and 15 years later,
but damn it felt good

I was once being beat up by 2 kids

And so this other kids walks by, stares at the situation, and decides to help.

Damn I didn’t stand a chance against the 3 of em.

I beat up a British man today for calling me autistic.

Turns out he just really likes my drawings.

How do you beat up a priest?

With NUNchucks

I nearly beat up a psychic for being phony.

Too bad he saw it coming.

A man with electric superpowers beat up an innocent woman...

He was charged with battery

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

A computer beat up a guy and then promptly ran out of power.

He was charged with battery.

I saw an autistic kid being beat up by three guys. I couldn’t just stand there.

There was no way he stood a chance against all four of us.

How many cops does it take to beat up a light bulb?

None. That light bulb fell down the stairs.

What did the police man say when he arrested the remote control that beat up his wife?

'I charge you with battery'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lindsay Lohan walks into a bar, with a one winged, beat up, inebriated parrot on her shoulder

The bartender says, "Where did you get that drunk, fucked up bird?"

The parrot says, "The Rehab clinic in Malibu."

I got beat up at a black lives matter rally for complaining about my underwear

These knickers where just making me so uncomfortable

Did you hear about the junkie who beat up a nun?

He kicked the habit.

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Noodle and Meat Bun were best friends.

But one day they got into a disagreement and had a fight. Noodle isnt very strong but he managed to beat up Meat Bun.

Meat Bun wasnt going to take this insult without revenge, so he went off to get some brothers, Pan Fried Bun, and Steamed Pork Bun. Together, the angry mob roamed the streets ...

Three men are waiting in front of the gates to heaven...

God comes to the first man and asks him how many times have you cheated on your wife? The man says “never would I cheat on my wife. I love her very much”. God looks at him for a second and says “ahh you can’t fool me, I’m god! You’ve cheated on her 10 times! As your punishment, you will have to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

I always ask people what their bad tattoo means

It usually means I’m about to get beat up

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was alot like my first football game.

I got bruised and beat up but atleast my dad came.

Guy walks into a bar completely naked...

except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “Hey man, can I get a beer?”

The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says “Sir uh... I can’t help but notice... you seem to have lost a sh...

A man who owned a flower shop

He was very successful, had lots of business for many years. Then one day some catholic monks came into town and opened up their own flower shop across from his. It only took a few weeks for the man to lose all his business and nearly go bankrupt. Knowing it was because of the flower shop across the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sharing how hard their lives are

Cucumber: I got it worse, people chop me up and put me on salads!

Pickle: No I got it worse, people dice me up and put me on hot dogs!

Penis: You think that’s bad, I get a bag put over my head, shoved into a dark room and get beat up till I puke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a pub and sits down at the bar...

The female bartender asks him if he would like a drink, in which he replys:

"I would love to suck on your breasts"

"Excuse me?" The bartender said.

"I want to spank your ass" the man said rudely.

"Im going to get my husband if you dont stop!" The bartender said.

"A...

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

Mime

Got beat up by a mime the other day!! He did unspeakable things to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

The Chicago Bears new quarterback.

The Chicago Bears were desperately looking for a new quarterback. With all normal options not working out they looked outside the United States. They found a terrorist in Iran who was able to throw a grenade 100 yards and have it go through a 3rd story window every time. The Bears signed him immedi...

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since translated jokes are becoming a thing now, I will(attempt) to translate a Turkish joke...

One day Temel goes to the local caffe with his friends. While playing games and drinking tea a Japanese dude walks in and says "Does anyone in here got the balls to beat me ?". After this Temel gets up and says "I do", then they both head outside. 5 minutes later Temel comes back with a broken nose ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.