Baseball Player Jokes - 77 Hilarious Baseball Player Jokes

How do baseball players know when to bathe?

Foul balls

Why could I never date a baseball player?

Cuz they’re out of my league!

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”

Yes I realize this is stupid :)

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What do you call an impotent baseball player?

Two balls and a strike.

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

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Why do bisexual people make the best baseball players?

Because they can swing both ways

What do a bad baseball player and a male goose have in common

they both have foul balls

What’s the difference between a baseball player and an orphan?

An orphan doesn’t have a home to run to.

Which baseball player has the shortest commute?

The catcher, he only works from home.

Why are frogs good baseball players?

Because they're good at catching flies!

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

What do Baseball Players and spectators have in common?

They both just wanna get home.

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

Why do baseball players sleep with random strangers?

Because they like to swing

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

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How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bi-sexual?

Cuz he swings both ways.

Why did the police arrest the baseball player?

Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.

What is the difference between baseball players and London Tube drivers?

Baseball players are out after three strikes.

I got into a fight with a baseball player.

It wasn't too bad. All I did was strike him three times and he was knocked out.

Why did the baseball player fail at the math test?

He used base 3.

Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player?

Because he's a switch hitter

What's a baseball players favorite type cake?

A bundt cake.

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,...

“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shou...

What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

A baseball player was hit in the head with a line drive yesterday...

today he's more open-minded

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

A man walks into a bar…

He goes up to the counter and bets the bartender free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk, to which the bartender agrees.

The man asks the dog, "What is on top of a house?"

"Roof!" says the dog.

Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again.
...

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

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A man and his dog walk into a bar

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry guys, you'll have to leave. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But mine talks."

The bartender says "Bullshit"

The man says "I'll bet you $10,000 he can talk."

The bartender says "Fine, prove it then. But if he...

An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I am a baseball player. I can catch you.”

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I will take my chances with the fire.”

Play Ball!

Two baseball players were talking about whether there was baseball in heaven.

Each agreed to come tell the other about it if they happened to die first.

Well, one day the first player dies and then comes to let the other know that they do in fact have baseball in heaven.

"Good n...

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark...

A Man Walks Into a Bar with His Little Dog...

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "25 bucks says this dog can talk!"

Bartender says, "I'll take that bet. Make it quick."

Man looks at the dog and points upward. "What's the name of this thing over our head keeps the rain out?"

Dog barks, ...

A man went into a bar with his 180 pound Irish Wolfhound.

“Hey!” said the bartender. “You ca’t bring that animal in here!”

“Wait a minute,” said the guy. “This isn’t just a dog. He can talk!”

“Sure,” sneered the bartender. “I bet you 500 bucks he can’t!”

“Okay, you’re on!” said the man as he turned to his dog and said, “Here boy! Now t...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender stops him at the door and says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But this dog is almost human! He talks!"

The bartender says, "YEAH RIGHT, if your dog can talk I'll let you in AND cover your tab."

The owner says "OK, ask him anything!"

T...

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks ...

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog sa...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

A guy claims his dog can talk...

A guy brings his dog into the NBC network building looking for a TV show for his talking dog. He says to the executive...

Guy: "Hey, I have here a talking dog! He can have a full conversation with anybody! Watch this, hey boy! What's on the top of a house?"

Dog: "Rouf"

Guy: ...

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.

So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”

And the dog barks “...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before...

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender says: "sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs here"

The man replies: "wait, my dog is special. You see, he can talk"

The bartender is doubtful, so the man turns to his dog and says: "alright buddy, what goes on top of a house?"

The dog replies: "Roof!"

The man a...

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"

A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.

"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.

"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough!" answered the dog.

The owner then asked, "Who was the grea...

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A doctor in a mental institution is making his daily rounds. Long NSFW

In the first room he visits he finds a man pretending to bounce and shoot a ball. He asks the man what he is doing, he replies “when I get out of here I’m going to be a professional basketball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.

In the next room he find...

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Rut...

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The Psychology Student

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I am going to be...

Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"

"Rex, what's on top of a building?"

"ROOF!"

"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."

"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"

"RUTH!"
...

A guy has a talking dog.

He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the do...

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The man, The newspaper and the wife

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'

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A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey.

He says to the barman, "This dog can talk." The bartender replies, "What? Get outta here." The man with the dog then says, "It's true, I promise!" The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, "Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free...

A man claims to have a talking dog, and takes him to a talent agent.

The agent says, "Let's hear what he can do." So the man asks the dog,"What's the texture of concrete?" The dog says "Rough!" The agent says, "Try again."

The man asks the dog,"What's on top of a house?" The dog says "Roof!" The agent says, "This is nonsense. I don't have time for this." The...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

They sit at the counter, and the guy calls the bartender over.

"I'll bet you a beer that my dog can talk."

"Sure bud, whatever you say."

The guy turns to his dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?"

"RUFF!" Barks the dog.

The bartender chuckles a bit, "Okay, that's pr...

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An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

A man takes his dog to a talent agent

A man and a dog meet with a talent agent.

Man: My dog here is able to talk.
Talent Agent: Ok I'm interested. Make him say something.
Man: Ok boy, what is on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: What is on the outside of trees?
Dog: Bark!
Man: Who is the greatest baseball player ...

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A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

Joke from the rabbi of one of the synagogues I went to.

A professional baseball player was very religious. So religious, in fact, that every time he stepped up to the plate he would cross himself.

During a particular game, he was facing a particularly impatient pitcher. The batter stepped out to cross himself, and the pitcher yelled out, "Hey! Why...

A man brings his talking dog into the bar...

The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed.

The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?"

The bartender reluctantly agrees.

The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?"

The ...

A guy walks into a bar...

... with his dog a step behind him. The bartender immediately looked up and said

"Hey, city ordinance, no animals allowed where food or drink is served!"

The guy looks apologetic, but says "I'm sorry, but this is no ordinary dog. This is my magic talking dog! Look, if I can convince ...

An oldie, but a goodie...

Back in the days of vaudeville, a man walks into a talent agent's office with a small dog under his arm.

"This is the most amazing act you've ever seen!" he declares "What I have here is an ACTUAL TALKING DOG! Prepare to be amazed!"

With that he places the dog on the agent's desk and...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

A man walks into a bar with a dog

He sets the dog on the bar and the bartender says "hey buddy you can't have that in here." The man explains to him that it's okay because the dog can talk and is well behaved. The bartender(thinking the man is insane) offers a bet, $100 if his dog can talk.

The man accepts the bet and turns t...

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

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A Shaggy Dog Story

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.
He says to the bartender; “I have a talking dog, and for a drink, I’ll prove it to you.”
The bartender pours the man a drink.
The man has his drink. When he finishes, the bartender says, “so let’s hear your dog talk.”
The man says to the dog;
“W...

A radio show holds a contest for the best local talent...

A gentleman walks into the studio with a mutt of a dog a couple days later and asks if he can audition.
"Sure, whaddya got?", said the radio host.
"My dog can talk.", the man replied.
Skeptical, the host sits down and beckons the man to start.
"OK boy! What is on top of a house?!"
Th...

The Talking Dog version two

A man walks into a bar with a mutt on a leash.

The bartender says "Hey, Mac. We don't allow dogs in here!"

The man says, "But wait, he's a special talking dog. Can we stay if I can prove it?"

The bartender thinks for a second and says, "Fine, prove he can talk and I'll let you...

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