Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...

...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's 2017 WW2 beach epic...

"No thanks, I've done Kirk"

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.

We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, an...

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?

All dressed up, with no place to go.

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

What do women and pine trees have in common?

Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

My grandpa has a house on the edge of the woods

He's living on his own and, based on our last couple of conversations I suspect he is getting dementia. Wanting to spend some time with him before it gets worse, I decide to visit him over the summer.

The woods next to his house are barren but he insists there is wildlife. We went for a walk ...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

A man is driving home, drunk as a skunk.

Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A police car pulls him over as he veers all over the road. The drunk tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, “For God’s sake! That’s your pine tree air freshener swinging about.”

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

A Blonde Calls 911 on a Friday night

"Hello, what's your emergency? "

"My friend has been stabbed! "

"Okay, where are you? "

"Tchefuncte Street"

"Tche what? What street did you say? Can you spell it? "

"Uh... " afterwards the 911 operator heard panting and shuffling of feet for about 5 minutes
...

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

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A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

Which tree is the most pensive?

The ponder-osa pine.

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

A Man walkes into a bar...

He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies:

"Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks:

At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one.
Seco...

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Moose hunting {possible repost}

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The p...

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Fart in the elevator

A Stanley Products saleslady gets in an elevator. She’s the only one on the elevator and has to fart. She lets loose and pulls her sample can of pine air freshener out of her kit and sprays it. Next stop a man gets on. He sniffs and looks around. Figuring she might make a sale she asks, “So, do you...

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it...

Do the other trees Pine?

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

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A lady walks into a grocery store.

She says hello and looks around the place for five minutes. Finally she walks up to the owner and says,

'Good morning sir. I was wondering if you have any broccoli left.'

'Really sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. We might have some more tomorrow.'

'Oh. I see.'

Des...

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A blind man applys for a job at a sawmill...

During his interview the manager asks "why shoud i hire you? your blind!". "well thats simple" the man replies, "I can tell you what kind of wood any board is by smell alone." "well see about that" says the manager. He leaves and returns with a board and lays it on the desk "well what kind of wood i...

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

I just tripped on a tree

It was a real pine in my rear

Three men die and are at the pearly gates

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all ...

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

An old man died and his whole family came out to the funeral

It was your typical ceremony, a solemn and somber occasion. As the casket was being carried to the grave site, one of the bearers slipped and lost his grip. The pine box started sliding down the hill of the cemetery and everyone begins to freak out. Thinking fast the priest pulls a lozenge from his ...

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Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"

The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind gu...

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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A lumber yard joke.

The owner of a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard. He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy until a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um, sir how do you propose you are to work in my lumber yard if you can't se...

My pig stepped on a land mind under a tree…

Now I have a porky pine.

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A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia.

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.

The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 ...

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Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...?

A Porky-Pine

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