UPJOKE
branchbranchletsaplingbarkramifytumblesprigwoody plantwillowget itcatch onlatch onget ontocotton onchinaberry

Twigs Jokes

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy rides up to the saloon..

He stopped his horse at the hitching post and climbed off. "Good girl, Betsy, you have a rest." He said, and gave the horse's neck a good scratch.
He patted its side and walked to the rear. After tidying some twigs from the tail, he lifted it up and gave the horse a huge, lingering kiss on the ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

An old couple sitting on the beach...

The old man looks on as a slim and pretty young lady in a bikini walks past. He nudges the old lady and says with a smile, “it truly is the thin twigs that get the fire going”.

The old lady looks at him with a very unimpressed expression and replies, “...and it’s the big fat logs that cook t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blueberry Hill

So this is a joke I heard as a kid really too young to even get it. Sorry if it's a repost, I don't read anything but what comes up in my feed.

A teacher is taking roll in an old rural schoolhouse and realizes several of the students are missing. She isn't too worried as the rural nature of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man sees a little boy walk by with duct tape in his hand...

An old man sitting on his porch sees a little boy walk by with duct (duck) tape in his hand. He says to the little boy "Where are you going with that duct tape?"
Little boy responds "I'm going to catch me some duck"
Old man says "no no no, that's not how it works"
Later on he sees the littl...

How to catch a bear.

Dig a deep hole, fill it with twigs and other pieces of firewood, and burn the wood. When the wood is all good and burned, cover the hole with some sort of coverage, and open a can of vegetables, like peas and place the peas all around the entrance to the hole. Hide somewhere downwind of the hole...

A Rabbi, A Noose, A Sapling . . .

A young rabbi was out for a walk when he came across an older man sitting next to a newly-planted sapling. Around the man’s neck was a noose, with the other end of the rope tied to one of the tree’s twigs.

The rabbi greeted the man, then said, “May I ask what you’re doing?”

“What does ...

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a job at the zoo ...

He'd always wanted to work for the zoo, so he goes up to the zookeeper and asks if there are any openings.

"No, sorry," said the zookeeper. "We're not hiring."

"But please," said the man, "I've always wanted to work for the zoo. Are you sure there's no openings? I'll literally do anyt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.