What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers

Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.

How do you knock a footballer out?

Tap them on the shoulder.

Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers

It means they're already good divers.

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

Why was the Jamaican footballer sad?

He was kicked off his team's rasta

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

I just saw a French footballer trying Nintendo in the shop

I think it was Thierry on Wii

What do you call a footballer with only 6 vertebrae?

Quarterback.

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three famous footballers are on a plane...

Three famous footballers are on a plane and all of a sudden it crashes on a desert island. All three players survive but all the crew but the pilot's bodies are irretrievable. They decide to cannibalise the pilots body to survive, the first players says,
"I support Manchester so i will eat the c...

Why did the boy fail to become a footballer ?

He didn't have any goal in his life

Before he was a footballer, Messi used to be a stand-up comedian

He had to quit because his jokes kept flying over the audience's heads.

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A man tries to buy half a cauliflower.

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some prick out...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

What's a geriatric?

A German footballer scoring three goals.

An airplane was about to crash...

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-ele...

I'll never forget my dad's passing.

He was the greatest footballer I knew.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
...

An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.

The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op...