UPJOKE
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Ate Jokes

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.
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What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet..

No word yet....
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I ate horse last week and it made me seriously ill.

But now I'm in a stable condition.
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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

I accidentally ate a handful of scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster
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I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
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I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant last night...

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious
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We all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why didn't 4 eat 5?

It was 2²
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I ate five cans of alphabet soup earlier.

Just had the biggest vowel movement ever.
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I recently ate Donkey meat, I don't recommend it

It tastes like Ass
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We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.
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I ate my mom...

Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.
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I ate a shoelace

I shit you knot

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
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I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.
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Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes
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My dog ate a pair of D&D dice...

48 hours later, she rolled a natural deuce.
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I ate a baby wookiee the other day

It was a little chewy
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I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...
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I accidentally ate my cat's food last night

Don't ask meow
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My friend told me that he ate pavement.

I asked him if he has any concrete proof of this.
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Why did the students ate their homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

I ate a kiwi

Everyone at the zoo was looking at me weird
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Why ate pessimists so good at developing photos

Because they always focus on negatives
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So i just ate at this new restaurant called “Karma”

They don’t have menus, they just give you what you deserve.
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I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day
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Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.
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Did you know that Archaeopteryx ate worms?

After all, it's an early bird.
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I ate a clock yesterday.

It was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
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My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...

Bad, Minton

I ate a burger in church today

The priest then said “Holy cow”
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A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.
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The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.
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Last night I dreamt I ate a five pound marshmallow.

When I woke up, my five pound marshmallow was gone!
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I ate a dictionary

I got thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
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I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.
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What Did the Farmer Say When the Cow Ate his Marijuana?

The steaks are high right now
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Who ate an apple the night of the 24th?

Christmas Eve.
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My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"

Because he ate too many cowleries.
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Seven ate six

After seven ate six, it thought to itself, "After I ate nine my mouth felt numb, but this time it's even number".
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The day after I ate a clown....

...that was some funny shit.

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..
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I used to get heartburn when I ate cake...

Till a doctor told me to take the candles off first!
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One day, Godzilla ate Tonga.

Then he said, "That was good. I think I'll have Samoa!"
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I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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My friend ate a clock....

Well I guess you could say it was time-consuming
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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.
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If Putin ate a piece of shit

... he would be a cannibal

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app.

It just sent an ambulance to my house.
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Two kids were arrested last night. One ate a battery, the other ate fireworks.

They charged the first, and let the other one off.
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A guy ate at a restaurant.

He noticed that the waiter's thumb was touching the soup when he brought the appetizer to the table.

"Excuse me. Half of your thumb was in my soup."

"Oh I am sorry!"

As the guy was enjoying the soup, the waiter brought out the main course. Again, his thumb was sticking in the f...

What did the toilet say to the guy who ate a whole package of sausages?

Doo your wurst!
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A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

My friend ate so much exotic spice, he practically turned into another species.

He's a cumin being.
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Today I Ate a Big Mac

I am not gonna brag about it but the people in Apple were pretty terrified
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My friend ate his autobiography

He is a bit strange, and totally full of himself
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I just ate my USB

It only took 1 byte.
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I just ate a scrabble set

Now I'm having consonant vowel movements
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...
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So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?

Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.

Teacher: And how does this even related?

Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....
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Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.
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Years ago, we ate the "Booty like Groceries"...

Now, we "Wear that Ass like a Covid Mask" .

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles

He kept leaving little messages around the house
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I only ate 239 beans.

Just one more and I'd be too farty.
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It is cloudy and snowing outside, and I just realized I ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge.

Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
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I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.
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When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...
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What would happen if you ate dinosaur poop?

It would make jur ass sick.

A cannibal ate an optimist once

He couldn't quite keep him down.
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Indian restaurant I just ate at only had garlic or ginger naan.

I guess they were naan-binary.
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A guy ate a bat

And now I'm unemployed.
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Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...
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I used to hate when I accidentally ate seeds

But recently, they've been growing on me.
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my chinchilla ate its babies

now it's a kinkiller
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A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...
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A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...
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Dog just ate my wife's wedding ring

Vet said we have a diamond in the ruff.
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What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.
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‪I once ate a Danish pastry.

She’s an air hostess..‬
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I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.
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Have you heard of the guy who bragged about how he ate his clone?

He's just so full of himself.
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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

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Ate some Fiber One brownies

That shit was amazing.

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Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of...

I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.
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I ate a pickle ....

It tasted sweet
So I gave to my sister who says it's salty
So.....


I guess I'm dillusional
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I ate 3.14 pizzas today, you know what I got?

I got fat!
What, did you expect a pi joke?
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A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.
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