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At The Same Time Jokes

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

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A math teacher, a gym teacher, and a stoner die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

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Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time?

Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meet...

A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time.

He gets her to roll down her window.
“Pull over” he yells. “No silly”she replies “it’s a scarf”!

What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

How did the Latino kill 50 people at the same time?

I don't know. He must have had a locomotive.

My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

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How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time?

Have the 51st scream BINGO!

Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

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I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time….

then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time.

Until I discovered necrophilia.

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I gave up drinking, smoking, drugs and sex all at the same time

It was the scariest 3 minutes of my life!

I have a wedding at the same time of my World Cup match, can anyone take my place?

The place is St. Parish Church and the Bride's name is Paula.

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Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.

They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not...

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

Why is it wrong to have two elephants in the same swimming pool at the same time?

They'll only have one pair of trunks.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

What do a pregnant teenager and her fetus think at the same time?

"My mom is going to kill me"

There once was a farmer with three daughters who were all going out on their first date at the same time.

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun.

The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.

He was met with a boy, who said:

"Hi! My name's Joe.

I'm here for Flo.

We're going to the show.
...

An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time.

The Airman finishes up and heads out.

When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman.

“Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.”

The airman responds,

“In the Air Force, they teach us not to p...

How do you serve drugs and your country at the same time?

Join the CIA

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time

I think I've forgotten this before

I thought I was pretty lucky… I used to date two girls Kate & Edith at the same time.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It turns out you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: “I’ll grant you both three wishes. Let’s start with you, bear. What do you want?”

The bear says: “I wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were female”, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: “I wish for a Harley Davidson”, and the g...

How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time?

Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".

what goes in one ear and out of the other one at the same time?

pickaxe

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time...

one to cook, one to clean.

How can you be both fast and slow at the same time?

Win the gold medal at the special Olympics.

What sucks but doesn’t suck at the same time

A broken vacuum cleaner

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't f...

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf.

The emo is stopped by the rope.

what do you get if you nut and fart at the same time?

banned from the supermarket

The past, the future, and the present all walked into a bar at the same time.

It was tense.

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain…”
“God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

Why don't fruits in a basket get moldy at the same time?

Because mold is "spore"adic



Note: Had to remake this post cause I somehow managed to post it without looking at how muffed up the title was

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

What word is innocent and dirty at the same time?

A showerhead

I realized that affection is just moving both of your hands at the same time.

Think about it. What is love but a second hand in motion?

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What do you have when you've got 32 West Virginian's in a room at the same time?

A full set of teeth!

Basically, you'll never see the same doctor in two different places at the same time.

That would be a pair'o'docs

I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month.

It’s nothing but period drama.

Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time?

Or is that just stereotyping.

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.



He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, “I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America”.


This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for ...

Did you here about the two pharaohs who farted at the same time?

They had a tutankhamun.

What do you call sneezing and farting at the same time?

..a screenshot

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. T...

A man saw his friend smoking two cigarettes at the same time

He asked him “why you smoking two?”
He reply’s, “I smoke one for me and one for my brother because he is in prison”
A week after he saw him again, but he smoking only one.
He ask “oh did your brother get out??”
He reply’s “no I quit smoking”

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

Freddy Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar at the same time...

But, they didn't "planet"...

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time?

She turned her car into a tree.

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I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have sex with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

What do you call a discount on a circumcision and a vasectomy at the same time?

A package deal



I’ll see myself out

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Any sexual activity that involves two people at the same time is twosome.

If there's three then it's threesome.

If it involves whole bunch then it's wholeso.... It's orgie.

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Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ...

In the other hand, however.

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time.

St. Peter says "Sisters, we're so backed up that we're giving new arrivals a quiz. If you answer a question correctly, you can go on in, but if you get it wrong you'll have to wait a while." The nuns nod in agreement and St. Peter faces the first nun.

"What was the name of the first man on ...

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

What can you share and keep at the same time?

An STD

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

2020 is like living in the Stephen King novels The Stand and The Dead Zone at the same time.

If clowns show up next, that’s IT I’m outta here!

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

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I asked my my wife if it’s possible to feel happy and sad at the same time

She said ‘well... you’ve got the biggest cock out of all your mates’

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You ever poop and cough at the same time?

That shit hurts.

I have a friend who claims he can play the guitar and sing at the same time.

Who only knows the start of War Pigs - Black Sabbath.

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I had sex with my best friends mother, sister and girlfriend all at the same time.

It wasn’t a foursome or anything, Roll Tide.

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

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This is stupid and funny at the same time

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "CRAP!"?

You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!

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Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

What girl like's it in all her holes at the same time?

Mrs. Potato Head

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What happens if you have an orgasm at the same time you die

You come and go

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

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[NSFW] A man said to his girlfriend: I'll bet you can't tell me something that is both good news and bad news at the same time.

Her reply: Of all your friends, you have the nicest cock.

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

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A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing, so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.

When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing he...

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How do you piss off 100s of millions of people at the same time?

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were both upstanding candidates fully deserving of the US presidency.

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A friend of mine told me a really sad story about a time when he was crying and masturbating at the same time.

It was a real tear-jerker.

Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it.

I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly.

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What do you get if you urinate and cum at the same time?

Peanut

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What do you call it when two Japanese hens finish a race at the same time?

A hen-tie

I always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot, too cold and just right at the same time.

Then I remembered Hot Pockets

What do you call a furry that got laid off and laid at the same time.

A furloughed fur load.

Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

Two poets die at the same time and they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says"ah, it's great to see you guys, but we have a small problem... we only have room for one of you." The two poets look at each other not sure what to do, then St. Peter says " I have an idea, since you guys are poets lets have a contest, best poem gets to stay in heaven, the other....

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[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.

After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to...

What's heartbreaking but heartwarming at the same time?

A flaming arrow to the chest

What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

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How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

Why did the tellytubbies all use the bathroom at the same time?

They only have one Tinky Winky!

How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time?

I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud.

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first?

You don't care.

why can’t you chug beer and do high school math at the same time?

it’s illegal to drink and derive >:(

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. (NSFW)

Saint peter tells the three men that heaven is pretty crowded and they’re enforcing a new policy. Whichever of them has the most interesting death story will be allowed into heaven and the others will be sent to hell to prevent overcrowding.

Saint peter asks the first man how he died.
...

What do you call 2 hippies who pass away at the same time?

Tie-Die

What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?

Michelangelo’s David

Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time......

....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned.
“I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”.
The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.”
“Ok, question 1. Where was Jesus born?”. Nun #1 steps up and...

What can solve over population and world hunger at the same time?

Cannibalism

Why do the teletubbies go to the toilet at the same time?

They only have 1 Tinky-Winky

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