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Arranged Jokes

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

I arranged a threesome last night

Had a good time even though there were two no-shows.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

I was bringing my neatly arranged laundry back to the cupboard when I tripped.

I saw the problem unfolding right before my eyes.

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...

My wife arranged the plates by color and size...

It’s a rare dish order

On arranged marriage

An American sitting in a bar with an Indian...
American guy: how can you guys marry women before knowing them?
Indian guy : how can you marry after knowing them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy tracked down his long lost father and arranged to meet him at a dairy queen.

He got there and they started to hit it off.

Everything was going really well, they were bonding and getting to know each other.

Then my buddy’s dad explained how he lost both his feet during the war.

My buddy lost his shit, went crazy, started throwing things and was thrown o...

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

I have an irrational fear of overengineered buildings arranged near each other

It's a complex complex complex

A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage.

English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?


Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her?

Arranged Marriage

A woman of indian culture, was arranged to marry a man she did not love. She does not believe in arranged marriages. She had a secret, her secret was that she was in love with another person thousands of miles away. She once went on a trip to see this person, and secretly they became married. Her fa...

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...

... then I have a Bridget to sell you.

A proposal was sent for arranged marriage.

The girl's parents said "we don't like your son."

Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do?

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't jews have arranged marriage?

They have no 'forced kin'.

I'm so sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home from work to find my wife had arranged a romantic night-in.

She stood there, dressed in a see-through polyester negligee, "You're in for a night of hot passionate sex," she said.
Dousing herself in perfume, she lit a host of scented candles.

I stayed for half an hour at the burns unit, but then thought, "Fuck it" and went home for a wank.

When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized.

He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife arranged some hors d'oeuvres on her vagina

She was trying to make it look like a duck, but I thought it looked more like a platter puss.

Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.

2) I don't want to be cremated.

Chris Hemsworth arranged a party for Tom Hiddleston's birthday that not many people knew about.

It was a Loki event.

I said to my son, "You will be forced into an arranged marriage."

He said no. I replied with, "It is Bill Gates' daughter." He said yes.

I called up Bill Gates and said, "Your daughter will marry my son." He said no. I replied with "I am the CEO of the World Bank." He said yes.

I called up the world bank and said, "Make me CEO." They said no. I repli...

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

A man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat.

And just to be sure, he asked his next-door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. “No problem,” said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days he called the neighbor and asked how things were going.
“Well,” the neighbor sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I arranged a Reddit meet up for /r/sexaddicts...

...and everyone came!

What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other?

A so-be-it union.

An Indian redditor gets an arranged marriage. He turns to his partner and says:

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..

Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

Vittore Santos decided to enter a Christmastime food competition. Entrants were to make 100 tacos and arrange them in the shape of a Christmas Tree.

The winner would win $10,000. Vittore made his tacos and arranged them into a truly majestic Christmas tree shape with taco ornaments and a taco star on top. All that was left was to wait for the judges and camera crew to come by.

While he was waiting, a man dressed as The Grinch pointed at h...

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