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Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

What do you call an airport security employee?

A volunteer

Why did Jack quit his job at airport security?

Because no one ever said hi to him.

This airport security officer at London airport really doesn't like me

Everytime I try to get past security, Heathrows me out

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

I was at the airport security and there was a sign that read...

"Federal law prohibits the making of any jokes on airplane highjacking and bombing."

I stopped and told the officer that you don't have to worry about me, I take my bombs very seriously.

My hearing is next month.

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How is Chinese airport security like a Russian woman?

They'll fuck anybody with an American passport.

I say this from experience.

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport

The airport security asks him a series of questions.

Security: "Name?"

Tourist: "Andrew"

Security: "Residency"

Tourist: "Idaho"

Security: "Occupation?"

Tourist: "No No, just visiting"

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A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.

The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.

So he tried to break h...

A priest sits next to a well dressed woman on the plane.

Woman: Father could I ask a favor of you?

Priest: Certainly.

Woman: I bought a hairdryer for my mother but I am afraid that my purse is becoming too heavy and that airport security will confiscate it when we land. Could you hide it underneath your robes?

Priest: Very well, but I...

What's the difference between a Muslim and a Terrorist?

I don't know, I just work as airport security.

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

A man walks into an airport with a pet vulture

He approaches the terminal gates, but airport security stops him.

"Your vulture has to be checked in, and shipped with the luggage." Security said.

The man replied "What do you mean checked in? This is my carrion bird."

Why hasn't Trump deported all the Muslims yet?

Cause he can't get them through airport security.

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A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

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