Airport Security Jokes - 32 Hilarious Airport Security Jokes

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

I'm so fat, that when I went through airport security they didn't strip search me...

They burlesque searched me.

Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

This airport security officer at London airport really doesn't like me

Everytime I try to get past security, Heathrows me out

Why did Jack quit his job at airport security?

Because no one ever said hi to him.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is Chinese airport security like a Russian woman?

They'll fuck anybody with an American passport.

I say this from experience.

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

What do you call an airport security employee?

A volunteer

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard?

They both enjoy a good cavity search!

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

I was at the airport security and there was a sign that read...

"Federal law prohibits the making of any jokes on airplane highjacking and bombing."

I stopped and told the officer that you don't have to worry about me, I take my bombs very seriously.

My hearing is next month.

How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?

According to airport security, quite a lot.

A man walks into an airport with a pet vulture

He approaches the terminal gates, but airport security stops him.

"Your vulture has to be checked in, and shipped with the luggage." Security said.

The man replied "What do you mean checked in? This is my carrion bird."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.

The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.

So he tried to break h...

An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport

The airport security asks him a series of questions.

Security: "Name?"

Tourist: "Andrew"

Security: "Residency"

Tourist: "Idaho"

Security: "Occupation?"

Tourist: "No No, just visiting"

A priest sits next to a well dressed woman on the plane.

Woman: Father could I ask a favor of you?

Priest: Certainly.

Woman: I bought a hairdryer for my mother but I am afraid that my purse is becoming too heavy and that airport security will confiscate it when we land. Could you hide it underneath your robes?

Priest: Very well, but I...

Why hasn't Trump deported all the Muslims yet?

Cause he can't get them through airport security.

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

What's the difference between a Muslim and a Terrorist?

I don't know, I just work as airport security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

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